no words

it is not for you to decide

sometimes i think the hardest thing to deal with is trying to understand anything. one of the hardest things that you do today might be trying to comprehend that sentence, so let me see if i can make my point just a little bit clearer. what i mean to say is that we never can really ever understand something from but from a single point of view, our own. really all that we have to rely on is our own experiences, desires, needs, wants, emotions, what have you, to interpret something to our own means. after that, we can imagine the how it might be for someone else, but honestly, i do not believe we ever really understand anything else but their own life's problems. we understand it from our flat, one sided point of view, many people move on, or get angry about it. that's what i like to call ignorance. and then once you move past the tunnel vision, the lack of depth perception, you are faced with what i have come to believe is one of the most difficult task human nature is dealt with, trying to grasp at an understand that has over six billion points of view. for if we were talking in absolutes here, the only true way to understand something, (which i do believe is quite nearly impossible) is based on the whole. of course, on such a scale, we can all see that it is impossible to even begin to grasp at a level of comprehension that breaches such boundaries. consequently, we try, as humans always do, to compartmentalize, to break the six billion down into smaller, more manageable groups who's opinions, experiences, desires are similar enough to be complied together. only then, once the billions are broken down, separated into thousands, hundreds of opinions do we begin the real challenge, understanding.
i find this so hard. trying to just manage even the slightest glimmer of comprehension, but the inner workings of my cerebellum reject the calamity that is our world. the chaos we've created. for when i was young, and until quite recently, i believe in a world that was black and white. where something was either good or bad, and where these distinct lines in the sand are sometimes still available, most have been swept clean by the hands of the tide. and this is what is so difficult for me to grasp, for there are things that my head understands, but i find my heart buckling under the weight of such knowledge. such as war, even false wars such as the one in Iraq. Saddam was a dictator, he killed many people, the government of the united states fabricated false information so that they might invade the country, protect their oil interests, and eliminate Saddam. now the soldiers are gone and they country is still in a state of turmoil. i understand why the u.s. did what they did, hundreds, if not thousands of payrolls are met due to the oil and gas industries. families have earned their living because of these companies. and then there are the families that have lost their lively hood because of them, such as those living under the triennial shell rule in south Africa, and those suffering in the wake of the bp oil spill in the states. now who is to say who is right and who is wrong here, who is to say that the families in the united states deserve direct compensation for their lost income while all of Africa cries after the rape, pillage and plundering done to her once bountiful land.
i guess what i am really trying to say with all those words is that there never is a right or wrong side, there never is an easy answer. there are thousands of answers, each with its pros and cons, each with the same right to be heard as the next. problem is, more often than not, we don't take the time to listen. we are all faced with tough choices, ugly consequences and i guess the challenge is trying to find the one, the single solution, that can help as many people as possible and destroy very few in the process.

sometimes i feel as if the weight of all these multifaceted problems are sinking me like a stone

it's a loud radio kinda day

It's funny how you can mean something so different to someone compared with what they mean to you. Well maybe not funny, in fact most of the time it's not funny at all. It's messy and complicated, it becomes awkward and feelings are left to tend to there own festering wounds. But what it is, I do believe, is a raw display of humanity, of our complex emotion lives that play out like characters in an online gaming world, connected to the person outside the box by a simple cable connected remote with a whole lot of buttons with different colours.

What I don't understand are the people who say there emotion lives are completely different from the face they put on for the rest of us viewing world. I can't understand how you could put up with that. I would get tired and bored of it all.

Anyways, that was a little off topic of what I was planning to say next. You see, I was cleaning my kitchen, listening to Party in the USA at a volume that suggested neighbourly intervention, contemplating where to go with this next, and I worked it out. I wanted to say I love those who's interactions are simple, because there is an understanding there, weather it was established after years of friendship, or just months. Where sometimes, words are just a formality, I think that is the word I am looking for, formality. Anyway, as fun as it is to meet new people, for the funny stories they bring into our repertoire, and the potential they hold, there's not much that can beat the comfort and sense of belonging that I find with those I count as my bestest of friends.

On a final, adding in about three hours latter note, I feel like I have a thank you that needs addressing. You see, sometimes I find myself wanting something, asking life of this thing and sometimes when I am lucky, I find these wishes manifest in my life. Most never in the way I expect it, all the same, they are there, like a rainbow in the sky, or a smile from a stranger, just waiting to be noticed. Maybe it's a case of good Karma, maybe it's a case of wishfull thinking. Either way, I am thankful. And happy. This summer is starting off well.

What I am not excited about is getting my wisdom teeth removed. My life becomes complex becomes of that.

I would like to see some of my friends soon, so that I can talk with them. But I don't want to leave Canmore.

Hoo humm

you are the smell before rain

Tomorrow is a day of conquests, I am determined to make it so. Now one in need of conquests must indeed be equipted with the proper tools, as I am sure you know. Seeing as such, I have had a shower, and then a short tub, where feet were scrubbed and unwanted stubble removed. Quite promptly afterwards, my nails were painted and hair braided. YesI do believe I am adequatly prepared to head into battle, for tomorrow is the end of it all, the deciding factor, Waterloo, if you will. I do hope that I am not Napoleon. And then it is summer, and I am very ready for it to be so. I have my entire first day planned out and I am so very excited. From there, it's going to be a summer of free flowing with white water currents, spent among the best people that I know. With bad habbitd kicked to the curb, the good ones taken for all they are worth, summer projects, sun tans, bike rides and adventures.

Let's start off with a dream inspired bang, shall we?

if you want you can get to know me

i am made of bones and brains, muscle and skin. i love matchbox twenty, and have problems with spelling, and addictions. these addictions include caffeine, (newly discovered), best friends, facebook, chocolate

and photos.

Some of these addictions are going to have to take a hike this summer. Or as Mr. Lam says, go on a hike.  Like the ones related to unhealthy eating, and the computer. Other's can stick around, they are healthy believe me. It's all about moderation.

Truly, that is my theory in life, it is all about moderation. Everything in quantities that you can deal with.

I think this summer is going to be a really good one. Actually I feel this more so than think it. 

It's going to be spent in Calgary, sans wisdom teeth, and with money in the bank. It's also going to be one of the first summers were I have achieved a point where I am okay with everything going on and being okay with me, and that's not something that is war-whooping monumental, or has changed much who I am, just made a lot of things more fun, and easier. Today, while I was sitting around, after dinner, not doing math, I came to thinking about that, and how even though you are okay with yourself, that doesn't mean that you can't work on self improvement. So maybe I will make me part of my own summer project this year. Combined with my basement, and the area behind my shed, I will have some fun. That's for sure. 

And it is so close, this summer,  I can feel it, and I am so excited.

i love the rain the most when it stops

 

honestly, I believe it's hard for a lot of people to make up their minds, figure out what they want, how to get it  and if it's really worth all the back breaking effort. I don't know what I want, who I am going to be or how to figure any of that out. What a comfort it is know that even if I fall, break down and mess up I will always have my family, my friends and my friends that have become family.

I am scared, really.

Scared of my math test, of not accomplishing all I want 

of making no difference at all. 

I just want some sunshine and summer nights.

when my time comes

The end of Social 2o.

I feel like I have been given a certain amounts of omens lately, but I am having troubles understanding there significance.

sudden silence

I don't know what words to put here, I think all the ink has run out of my head and bled onto the oh-so-many yearbooks that I signed. But like the writer with an empty pen, I still have words to say. Unlike said writer, I don't really know what those words are.

I love yearbooks. Those words went to good places, good hearts.
Hopefully one heart will really understand their meaning. More likely than not, well, they will just be confused. Like me.

I am tired I do know that. Exhausted. To the point where I don't really know what I am doing on the computer. I should be in bed, sleeping. Maybe it's for all you readers, for there are so many of you. And maybe it's for me. It's probably mostly for me. Work kept me really tired, and set some stress into my future. Funny how I am looking forward to the weekend being over. And looking forward to exam days. It's really odd how that works.

The Shaytars had their baby. It was so cute and chubby. I really do love babies, and little kids. It was my grandma's birthday, I love my family. I miss them.

School is over, but it really doesn't feel like it. I got three teachers to sign my yearbook. Mr. McMillain's was funny. He makes me excited for next year. I had a small epiphany today, about how much I love my friends. Maybe because some of them are leaving for a really long time, or because school ended, maybe it was the sun. Either way, I love them. How to say it differently, because love is a word that I do believe has lost it's effect for some. You all honestly bring color, texture and feeling to my dreams, my day to day. When I am with you, it's like clocks start ticking and the earth happily spins on, when I had doubt's about it even being round in the first place. You erase all that. I don't know how else to say it, you ensure that I know that everything makes sense, if only for a few minuets every day. Whether I see you everyday or only hang out with you ever so often, you should know that I am so very grateful for you, for all that you have taught me, and made me see in myself. I don't feel the need to call you out by name, for in some way or another, you all hold me in place, keep me grounded, and keep me growing. Thank you. It makes me glad to know that there are many more days in store for us in the future.

Night all

 

Things that keep me alive; exam time version

Lyndsay. For a lot of reasons,

but mainly to do with the really nice wall post

Tea

Procrastionation

Like procratinting on this blog

books

rain 

pictures

music

Wicked soundtrack 

my sister

my mom

the glimmer of summer

L4

talking with mr. McMilian

actually, i can.

Do you ever get the feeling that people are just getting tired of you?

All that matters is we felt it

Ryan, I don't like your question. Sorry don't take it personal.
So this is my answer: nothing. It is worth nothing.
Inner people don't exist.
English AP has spoken.

My temper is short, like my sentances.

Katie,
"What is the best and worst quality in a person?"
I like your question more. I though about it at work. 
I think that the best quality to have is honesty, but beyond the act of telling truth. I belive the honesty must extend to being honest with the world and yourself about who you are and then being unafraid to show it off. Because even if I don't happen to get along with someone, if they are truly being who they are, I respect them. And I even like them, from a distance. I just don't get along with them. Beyond honesty, there are a vast array of important and "best" qualaties. It all depends on your definition of best. Like most things, it depends on the defintion. Personally, I believe compasion, a sense of humour, a good smile, a kind and open heart and kindness will get you far, no matter who you are. These are things that I appreciate in people.
A bad quality in a person I believe depends on who you are asking, so it's a good thing that you are asking more than one person here Katie. For me, some things will put you in my bad books imediately including ignorance, intolerance, narcisim, thinking that you are better than someone, an unearned sense of self intitlement, talking down to someone, being rude or disrespectful and hypocricy. Oh, and trash talking someone behind there back, all this double agent bitchyness is getting so frustrating. Serisously, please just say it to my face and save me the time of trying to be your friend. I am truly disgusted by these traits if they happen to come across as one of your most predominant. I understand that these traits come in bits and pieces in all of us, and I can even identify when I have lets these parts of me ruin a day. But when all I can see in you is how your life is all that matters, while the rest of the world can go die, well then I just won't be able to talk to you. Or even respect you. My ability to like someone from a distance can only goes so far.

I have now spent an hour on the computer when I was suposte to be doing homework. There is just to much of it for one child. This frustrates me, when teachers realize that they need to get marks so they force a bunch of homework on us all at the same time. I also want people to be happy, cause right now, most people are stressed or upset about something. Seeing the end of that will be a relief. I don't like feeling so helpless. And everyone is getting sick.

A parting question, I like this one so I might even answer it myself if I can find the time; Who are you when no one else is watching?