decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you are doing here

pick up those dreams off the ground
it's time to get moving again



d

people come and go. be prepared

i feel like i'm in love with someone i haven't met yet.

it hasn't felt like home before you

I am trying to remember this today, to let go of things. It's difficult sometimes for me, to let things go. It's hard to remember that in the end, in a hundred days, in ten years, in the last days, it won't matter. And I also forget how I am probably the only one who is really distressed by these things. All the same, I am still not happy.
For a lot of people, test scores don't mean a lot, but for me it can be a big deal. I basically in the last few days I've let myself down in a major way. And that's what it comes down to, letting myself down. Not meeting my own expections. The fact that other's are there to witness my personal failure is not so much maddening as it is a little embarassing. This is probably because I know that the people's who's opinions I care about wont judge me if I get a 52% or a 98%. Or if they do judge me, they'll still love me at the end of it. Everyone else, well I don't really care what their opinions are. But all the same, I think that I am taking this a lot better than I would have three years ago, maybe even a year ago. Personally, I see this as growth. I think that I have learned quite a bit in the last few days, hours, years, months. I have learned not to let the opinions of others influence me nearly as strongly as they once had, I have learned that there are many things that are so much more important then the most recent assignment, or test score, and I have located many more of these important things. I have lost some of the intesity that I used to carry that I know stressed a lot of people out, and made me into a bit of a monster when I got really stressed. Not that I'm not a monster when I'm really stressed these days, for I still am, but that monster hides under darker beds these days, takes a lot more stress to get to, and is under better control when it strolls back into my life.

A comforting thought; the world goes on. When it comes down to it, that thought has kept me going in so many dark days. It's like the knoweldge that the sun will rise tomorrow, maybe in a clear sky, or a cloudy one. It's always there, and continues to prove trustworthy. I love that thought. That time passes, that we are all still moving forward, never having to be stuck in some place forever. For a lot of people, I bet that's an awful thought, but not for me. I find it reasurring. I don't want time to speed by, but I don't want anything to stop. I want to keep growing living and experiencing life. Life is always there for you to go and make what you will of it. I have a picture that says it better. I probably have enough pictures now to make say all I will ever want to say in pixcles and color instead of my typed out words. That's okay.

 

See I found it. I like that one quite a bit. With all the pictures that I now have at my disposle, I do believe that you will find at least one in almost all my future posts. Stay tuned.

This being said, I am glad that it is all over. I can rein in the monster and it can go back to muttering frustrated comments from the depth of its darkness. I can get back in touch with old friends, new friends and myself. I know it will be really good for me. A rain to wash away the dust left over from this very stressfilled semester. I love getting back to me, the version of me I like best. Who has time to read and sing and paint and laugh. She is a lovely person if I do say so myself.

Here are some other things I am happy about.

1. My mom. I love her very much, she buys me lemon squares to keep me cheefull in the face of stress. I am now convinced they are the most delicious thing that I have ever tasted. Heavenly even.  2. Sweat pants. They are all I have been wearing whenever I am in my house, and there is nothing better than stepping back into a dirty pair of sweats. I really should wash them though. 3. My beautiful olive friend. Don't worry, you learn to love her. 4. The library. My personal escape 5. Time alone 6. Good music 7. This place. Click it. It's got art written all over everything, 8. Movies 9. Tea 10. Having nothing to do and all my lovely friends that I am going to spend these days of nothing to do with.
and sleepovers.

Yeah I have a feeling these are going to be good days.

<-- Just hoping this makes you laugh as hard as I did.

i like long walks and sci-fi movies

Today I am in extream pain. I am not even trying to be potetic or use some sort of analogy here, I am hurting. While trying to heat myself a warm mug of my primary life sorce, being tea, I burned my finger. The mug had been mircrowaving to long, and it was very hot when I grabed it. I didn't realize it was scalding until it was hafway between the mircrowave and the counter. Luckly my stupidity ended at the grabbing of the mug, cause I didn't have a panic and fling scalding tea everywhere and break a mug, possibly sending shards of pottery into the air, one of which could have landed in my eye and blinded my for the rest of my human life, or stabbed me in the chest, causing me to bleed out, or lodge it's self in my throat making me choke. No, none of these things took place. I simply put the mug down swore a few times and danced around. Since that moment I have been icing the burn in order to numb it to my nerves and therefore my awarness. But time has come to face the pain, and it hurts. In stead of being grown up about it, I am being grumpy, whiney and stuborn. I am not happy.

This also conspicously falls on the same day that I am not happy about more than just my throbbing finger. I am also displeased with the fact that I can not for the life of me focus on studying for math. I am fucked.

And I hate Chemistry

And getting this all out in a spill of angry blogging is actually making me feel quite a bit better.

 Tomorrow will be better. 

that secret that we know that we don't know how to tell

PostSecret bring me such joy. They are such a raw display of human emtion, they bring back that light, the hope that we aren't all just mindless robots who's sole task is greed. To take and take and destroy. I think this is why I love them so much. They bring me hope and they show humanity in the clearest, most brutal, honest beautiful light possible. There is so many colourfull fragements about them, each pertaining to a seperate individual. That is probably another reason why I love them so much. They speak to my ears and my secrets.

For those same reasons, I love music. This is such a cliché catch phrase for our generation, I feel that it is due deeper explination. I love real music, not the mindless crap spewed out about getting drunk and hot girls or stupid boys that seeps through every mundain radio station. I love Bon Iver because they have emotion, and what I can only describe as a soul that bleeds in all their songs and makes connections. With me at least. They are magical. Real musicians that love music and love connection and soul and make music not in sight of making money, but in view of creating something magical and following a gift that they have, that's the kind of music I love. It makes me feel, makes me cry and hope and dream. It's honest and true and really I think music is one of the best things that humanity has to offer the world. That and art, all art. Litterature, art, film and dance. All expression of humanity. That is what I love and what makes me believe that yeah, we've made a shit of everything but maybe there still is hope. Maybe we can stiff this magic into our daily lives and use it to accomplish something great.

please speak soft little stranger

Lend me an ear I'll tell you a story
'Bout a man who didn't know how to be
Joined a travellin' circus from P.E.I. to B.C.

I don't really know what I want to say here, what's running through my mind. I just feel like spitting out some angsty teenage emotion that Lyndsay likes to point out is in my pants. Some how, she takes this to be the pinicle of her wit. I'm still not sure I compeltly understand, but that's okay. I love her anyways. I am going to miss her a lot next semsiter, not being able to spend half a day each and every day together is going to be sad. 

I think becoming friends with you Lyndsay was one of the best things that happened to me this year semister. Congrats, you took top spot. We all know that chem class and mr. richard put up a really good fight for a while there, but in they end they just didn't have what it takes.

Actually, I can't even joke about that. I hate chem and mr. richard. God they both sucked. Lyndsay you didn't. Thanks for that.

Instead, you are always that person that I can vent my frustrations, and make loud noises with and laugh and yell and argue with mr. doak and sing with. Pretty much, you are one of my favorite people. Even if somedays I call you bitch, I still love you very very much. Mucho some might even say.

I am going to miss Becca Fuller, having her in my french class. I love you very much Becca. Bunches and bunches. I think that you are a super amazing person and I really want to hang out with you more often. What really impresses me about you Becca is your honesty and ability to be exactly who you are. Not many people that kind of courage. You are full of such joy and happiness, and you understand me really well. Which is great, and one of the many reasons I love you so. I'm really excited to go and see one of your ringette games. *sorry if i spelt that wrong. I'm sorry that you are going to some tough times right now, but I know a girl as strong and amazing as yourself has the abilitly to work it out. And when it seams like you can't, and like the world is coming crashing down, I will be there to help you through. 

I am going to miss all of my english class, all the friends that I have made there. It was one of the best classes that I have ever had in highschool, so full of laughter and intellect, (or lack of it) I was in heaven ever time I walked through those doors.  I hope we all reunight in grade 12. Except the odd ones who's existance in that class we didn't really understand. They don't really need to come back if they don't want. 

One person in particular was a joyous discovery amongst the a.p. nerds, a one miss Allison Carter. Allison, you are brillant. From your happy smile to your cutting intellect, the class wouldn't have been the same without you. I have had so much fun getting to know you this year, words cannot describe. I love your bubbly personality and bizare dietary needs. I love your blog, oh man. I want to write something back every time but I try to keep myself reigned in. You are creative crazy brillance. I love it. To bad for you, you won't be able to get rid of me cause I am going to insit that we hang out this next semister. 

Hannah Banana, I have given you a lot of wordy descriptions of how much you mean to mean and how amazing you are and how much I love you in our days spent as BFF. To this day, they all remain true. I love you very very much and I don't think you need me to ramble about it. If you do, just post a comment and I'm sure I can think of something new. In short; love you, you're awesome. the end.

Now to two people who were not (sadly) in any of my classes this past semister. In case you folk didn't notice, the whole goal of this blog turned into talking about each of my followers. 

Ryan.

Even if you push me around and are mean to me and make weird noises, I still appreciate your existance as a human being. 

Haha, in all seriousness, you are a very funny kid and I am glad that I know you more that just, "my friend boyfriend" this year. You are also very cool and you have mad tallent at most all things that you attempt and you seam to be nice to everyone. Except me. Don't think this hasn't escaped my notice. Maybe we will have a class together next semsiter! Wouldn't that be exciting. 

Erin! 

I love you. Bunches. Seriously, you bring a smile to my face every day I see you. You are a very amazing, tallented and overal exceptionally amazing person. Something about just the way you are, the way you carry yourself spreds to all those around you. You are infectious and it's great. The joy you have for life inspires me to better things. I love reading your blog, really it brings me such joy. And when I post my blogs of frustration or anger and I know that you will be there for me, simply just to read what I've written, or listen to me complain if I call you up makes me feel better. I love you correcting my grammer in FB messages, that always makes me laugh. I love your taste in music and I'm hoping we can go to that concert together. You are amazing kid. In every way. Never forget that. :)

I love you guys all, and my exhuastion is making me act all werid and stupid. 

I think I should go to bed. 

But without a love I don't have an inkling
I'd be howling every night at the moon
And if the stars stop twinkling
The end will sure be coming soon

l'amour brille sous les étoiles

J'ai un problem. C'est presque dix heures, et je n'ai pas commencer mon devoir. De Math, de Chem et particularement de la française. Honnêtement, ce n'est pas bon. Je suis trop fatigue de faire rien. Aussi, j'ai gaspé beacoup beacoup de temps à faire rien. De voir les photos sur l'internet et d'écouter à la musique. Je ne sais pas qu'est-ce que c'est mon problem, j'ai beacoup de stressse, beacoup de chose à faire, mais je juste les ignore. C'est mauvaise mes amis. C'est mauvaise. Les exmans finals approchent vite et à ce momment dans le temps, je n'ai pas encorse ouvrir une seule livre. Merde, je dois organiser ma vite.

i think my faith is nearly gone

I don't even know what I am going to do with this. I'm just so frustrated. Nobody cares. Fuck.. Nobody cares.

Nobody cares that my sister is in tears because her own father wont pick up the freaking phone to tell her that he can't even make the fucking effort to look for her lost camera.
Nobody cares that half way across the world, millions of childern are crying because they lost their own parents to dease,
or war
or drugs.
Nobody cares that minuet by minuet, we are mutilating our world. Breaking her down like a virus spread throughout the world, destroying her bit by bit.
Nobody cares.
They might tell you that they do.
But they are doing jack shit to stop it.

I don't know how to care
how to make a change
how to help.
What am I to the world
nobody, just like everybody else.
What can I do to help the sick and poor.
The endangered creatures
the depleating forest
the rising world temperature.
What can I do.
This world is no film
and there is no miraculous happy ending at the eleventh hour.
I fear all is lost.

I feel so helpless.

a conversation with myself.

"Hay Rachel, did you finish that English essay?

"Why yes I did thank you! I am quite happy it's done!"

"Way to go champ! I am proud of you."

"Awe thanks, I try"