it hasn't felt like home before you

I am trying to remember this today, to let go of things. It's difficult sometimes for me, to let things go. It's hard to remember that in the end, in a hundred days, in ten years, in the last days, it won't matter. And I also forget how I am probably the only one who is really distressed by these things. All the same, I am still not happy.
For a lot of people, test scores don't mean a lot, but for me it can be a big deal. I basically in the last few days I've let myself down in a major way. And that's what it comes down to, letting myself down. Not meeting my own expections. The fact that other's are there to witness my personal failure is not so much maddening as it is a little embarassing. This is probably because I know that the people's who's opinions I care about wont judge me if I get a 52% or a 98%. Or if they do judge me, they'll still love me at the end of it. Everyone else, well I don't really care what their opinions are. But all the same, I think that I am taking this a lot better than I would have three years ago, maybe even a year ago. Personally, I see this as growth. I think that I have learned quite a bit in the last few days, hours, years, months. I have learned not to let the opinions of others influence me nearly as strongly as they once had, I have learned that there are many things that are so much more important then the most recent assignment, or test score, and I have located many more of these important things. I have lost some of the intesity that I used to carry that I know stressed a lot of people out, and made me into a bit of a monster when I got really stressed. Not that I'm not a monster when I'm really stressed these days, for I still am, but that monster hides under darker beds these days, takes a lot more stress to get to, and is under better control when it strolls back into my life.

A comforting thought; the world goes on. When it comes down to it, that thought has kept me going in so many dark days. It's like the knoweldge that the sun will rise tomorrow, maybe in a clear sky, or a cloudy one. It's always there, and continues to prove trustworthy. I love that thought. That time passes, that we are all still moving forward, never having to be stuck in some place forever. For a lot of people, I bet that's an awful thought, but not for me. I find it reasurring. I don't want time to speed by, but I don't want anything to stop. I want to keep growing living and experiencing life. Life is always there for you to go and make what you will of it. I have a picture that says it better. I probably have enough pictures now to make say all I will ever want to say in pixcles and color instead of my typed out words. That's okay.

 

See I found it. I like that one quite a bit. With all the pictures that I now have at my disposle, I do believe that you will find at least one in almost all my future posts. Stay tuned.

This being said, I am glad that it is all over. I can rein in the monster and it can go back to muttering frustrated comments from the depth of its darkness. I can get back in touch with old friends, new friends and myself. I know it will be really good for me. A rain to wash away the dust left over from this very stressfilled semester. I love getting back to me, the version of me I like best. Who has time to read and sing and paint and laugh. She is a lovely person if I do say so myself.

Here are some other things I am happy about.

1. My mom. I love her very much, she buys me lemon squares to keep me cheefull in the face of stress. I am now convinced they are the most delicious thing that I have ever tasted. Heavenly even.  2. Sweat pants. They are all I have been wearing whenever I am in my house, and there is nothing better than stepping back into a dirty pair of sweats. I really should wash them though. 3. My beautiful olive friend. Don't worry, you learn to love her. 4. The library. My personal escape 5. Time alone 6. Good music 7. This place. Click it. It's got art written all over everything, 8. Movies 9. Tea 10. Having nothing to do and all my lovely friends that I am going to spend these days of nothing to do with.
and sleepovers.

Yeah I have a feeling these are going to be good days.

<-- Just hoping this makes you laugh as hard as I did.