keep calm and carry on

I have this odd sense when it comes to the school year, how it is progressing, the idea of scholarships, universities and life after high school. And for the longest time I couldn't figure out what about the whole thing was so off for me. So I thought, and pondered and all other sort of seemingly deep words that really mean nothing.

And I decided it's like I'm reading a book. A really good book. One that keeps me up until absolutely retarded hours of the morning just so that I don't have to put it down. And it is all going quite well until the very end. It is at this point, where the story reaches its peak, and the denouement must come into play, that it takes a completely unexpected, unheeded, what the fuck, kinda turn. It concludes in a way that has so little to do with the rest of the plot line up until that point, that you are left frowning slightly as you turn deeper and deeper into the end. But you can't put it down, or change the ending or call into the author and complain because you are enthralled, confused and perhaps hopeful. So you continue on, until the story reaches its ends and you are left utterly and entirely confused. This is exactly how I feel. So I am really not freaking out, or scared (like I tell people I am) or excited. It's kinda like I am numb or really good at accepting that this is what I have to do and have no problems dealing with it or it hasn't hit me yet. Probably that last one more than anything.

it's all I have

I bare a welcome to the new day. It has been preceded by a very good fourteen hours. I got up at ten o''clock you see. It's now one hour into the day. Despite the lack of progress I made in the list of things that I have to, and the non presence of one, feisty, beautiful, loving best friend at a movie, it was a very good day. I love the warm fall, the Tony Roma's crew, good movies, bad food, good books, loving families, good music, car conversations, lists, new coats, new clothes, texts, best friends and sleep.

I hope this is moving onto something substantial. I hope I hope I hope. 

sleepy

I got up really early today. So early that I just typed, justed and tomorrow instead of today. Yes I could easily pass out anywhere comfortable. It's raining in Canmore, and the fog has been painted on so thick, I cannot see the mountains hidden behind. To add a little cherry of sorts, I am sickly. Not miserable though, just worn and thinned out, like a weak patronus. As well, I am hungry, and craving some bad food. What I think the plan might be for today is to get myself dressed, grab an umbrella, and head down to the corner store. Buy some chocolate. Then get my worn out self back to Calgary.

the songs that tie our souls

My toes are cold, I am poorly dresses for the Canmore cold of my stupid bedroom, and mal equipped to write anything of interest or relevance. Today, I don't really know how to feel. No I do, only in pieces though. I am terrible unhappy that I am not in Calgary, that I cannot make applesauce this weekend, that I left my art at home and that the people I want to hang out with are quite busy. Allison and I went to an estate sale and hung out for hours, and nothing could have made me happier. My sister fucked up some plans involving both sets of parents that is going to be a problem very soon. And I don't want to deal with that at all. In pieces I understand my day.

But all together, maybe it was just to much. I don't know why. I feel like talking to people right now, but no one's here.

I honestly don't understand how I got to be in Canmore. And don't start with the, you probably drove. Yeah, no shit Sherlock. Thanks. But why I didn't just talk my way out of this as per normal. Grumble.

I just finally wanted to say a quick thank you, to Allison, for being such a good friend, listener, talker and all around amazing human being. I love you very much. You make a lot of things easy, something that I think many take for granted. I probably do, but never let it be said that I don't love you. Hope that makes sense.

And to Katie, I love you very much as well, and I read your blog, and although I am not in musical theater, your talent and spirit speak for themselves on the stage. I am sorry that you didn't get the part that you wanted/deserved. But I never want you to doubt what a fantastic person you are, straight through to the core. You are amazing and shine in everything you do. Keep you chin up kid. We love you.

Kinda all over the place

this photo perfect describes my life

Today was probably the closest that I have ever come to a breakdown of some sort. Whether it was emotional or mental I am not really sure. All I really know is that walking in the hallway from art to physics, I had a hard time not bursting into tears. And sitting in my room now, trying to calm myself down with good music, the sound of rain and a nice warm mug of tea, I can still feel that bent up emotion crackle and spark every once in a while like a bag of rouge fireworks. I am surprised it has never happened sooner really. I will probably die at 32 of a heart attack due to all the elevated levels of cortisol in my blood.

i need some time or something 

and I didn't come to put your fire out I don't fear your flames

And they said they just wanted to have a kiss
And you were all like, "You want to battle, bitch?"



Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckidy fuck

waiting on that first snow fall please

Rachel is exhausted. Why?

a. Because she has been going non stop today
b. Because she has a sleepover with her favorite people the night before
c. Because she has been spending to much time with amazing people
d. Because school drains life out of people like a leech
e. Because she is stretching herself to thin
f. Because she is a vampire and is perpetually exhausted. 

g. All of the above, except f, cause that's just stupid.

If you answer g, you win,

nothing. 

they were just two jerks playing with matches

I have sat here for some time staring at my computer screen with this picture that speaks louder than the words I am unable to procure at the moment and wondering why on earth I want to write something so badly.  An hour has now passed and as of yet, nothing has come to mind.

Within the cavity of my chest, in the space between my ribs and my spine, is where I truly live. It is in this compartment of bones, blood, muscles, organs and skin where my heart beats, my lungs expand and where my emotions thrive, like waves on the shore they shift and break, like lights in a fog they glisten in the darkness and then slowly fade to into a green blue hazy. It is here that I know the solid sediment that is stress build in my stomach, feel the sunshine burst from within the confinements of my skin that is joy, the hollow decrepit black forest that is despair and the feel of the love that is my family. And it is here, that words are fading in and out of the fog, concert ideas are being written and then washed away by the waves and I constantly loose the reason why I want to write. So I listen to quiet songs, flick back to Facebook to scan the names of the people that I have so little to do with and feel the dark blues, gray-greens, flecks of gold and deep purple dance under the skin of my chest.

I live in my heart.

Gotta get back to Hogwarts

I feel the need to blog right now, because everyone has suddenly let go this torrent of blogging in the past 24, just when I am getting busy and hardly have any time to read them all, because the last blog I posted were some song lyrics from A Very Potter Sequel, because it was the last first day today, the last time I will here the Aberhart shpeel and because I have a lot going on in this little frame of mind, thought wise. There are a lot of comas in that last paragraph. First off I would like to start off by explaining the picture above. You see sometimes these photos that I lovingly select for each individual blog have no meaning what so ever, and I simply pick the photo that I do for, how shall you say, aesthetic purposes. But then there are the times that I have a photo in mind for a post, and that photo influences the blog quiet as equally as the words in my fingers. And there are a variety of purposes for this photo so I shall list them, in point form;

• The format, mimicking the keep calm carry on, of the British propaganda of the late twentieth century, is one that the debate kids are using for their own propaganda this year. And this year I do believe debate is going to be a major focal point of my life this year.
• The reference is to Harry Potter. The movie is coming out this year. I love everything Harry Potter related.
• Further more, Fred and George spoke this quote upon leaving Hogwarts for good, just as we shall be leaving Aberhart for good, sadly not under such fantastic circumstances.
• And finally, in the fifth book, from which this quote was taken, is under the tyrannical rule of Dolores Umbridge, who I feel would have forced the students of Hogwarts to wear a lanyard, such as we are forced to do, had she the resources or perhaps more time in administration offices. Luckily, for all of us, she didn't. All the same, Umbridge = Lanyards and I hate them both.

There we go. I bet you thought that my photo inspired inspiration would not have been so fully developed as it is. I have proven you wrong. I am terrible tired and I have this ache in my back that I think I can associate with returning to school.  Honestly, I am excited for a lot of this year. This first week most especially. I know I will regret saying this, I am almost regret thinking it for the moment due to the onslaught of pain that it will surly bring latter this year, but I miss homework in an odd way. I like having something to do and learning. I am a nerd, and fully aware of it. And I, much like Becca Fuller, love september. I love fall, and the cold, and getting new clothes and snow and changing leaves, and it scares me how much the seasons have changed in my own living memory. I am terrified for this world, a world where I will soon become a contributing and recognized citizen, completely legally obligated to my actions, expected to decide the outline of my future, define my own definitions of fail or succeed and then try and meet my expectations in a very short matter of time. It's all terrifying, I assure you. It's the one thing that I feel I was never fully prepared for as a young child, that growing up happens when you are still young, that you, more so than anyone else in the entire world, chart the course for your life and there is a lot of stress lying in wait when you don't know what or who you want to become. Maybe these should have been obvious truths, but they hit me with surprising ferocity and speed these last few months. And I am scared.

What, I guess, I can take comfort in is that really, no one knows what on earth they are doing, and there was a time in their life where they were probably just as lost and scared as me. That most certainly helps me through.

And if they haven't, well, they can just go fuck themselves.