someone come and someone come and save my life

 

I'm sorry. Because today my desire to be alone, the void that it filled in my chest far outweighed anything else in my life. Good music, a clean room, good books. That's the dosage for today's problems. 

 

So it's the end of the holidays, the end of Christmas. And I always get just a little bit depressed on this day. I used to take stock of all gifts when I was little, organize them, play with them and then put them all away to where they will now belong. But these days, it just seams greedy and selfish. So I kinda wallow instead. Hardly improvement. 

But I found my Christmas spirit, the one that I was missing. When I just pushed myself that much harder, I remembered what made this holiday special. The lights, the songs, great food, presents and family time. The Canmore Christmas was dysfunctional as ever. But when I got back to Calgary, everyone gathered in front of the dinner table, and then the TV, something just feels so special.  It's like I was born into high society or something. Where I get to be special simply of which family I happened to be born into. Everyone watching modern family while we laugh and dance around the living room. It's just one other special Christmas memory.

I had a good Christmas morning, Christmas texts.

I'm tired. And I feel bad because I ditched a Nixon family get together because I was tired. And I am watching the Vampire Diaries. I decided if I was going to be any of the characters, I would want to be Caroline. Even if she is really annoying. Because she lives the best life so far. And grows up a lot over the past few seasons. 

The heart is a mysterious thing. Twisting tangled roots up the aorta, distorting the order of the brain. And the scares that remain leave lasting scares.

It's a fickle thing.

and now i'm not the only one

it's nine o'clock, and I am ready to go to bed. i'm just waiting now, for what i don't really know, or don't want to admit. more or less it's just me waiting for the exhaustion to beat out the draw of the internet. whatever it is, i can't really beat it. i just have to wait it out, wait for exhaustion to raise the final blow and for aggravation, it's faithful sidekick, to angrily shut the lid of my computer and shove it into the corner. and there it will sit, just waiting for tomorrow where it will consume another inexplicably long amount of my day. but tomorrow is christmas eve, and i have been asked to vacuum, so maybe i wont waste too much time.

i feel like i am missing a hole in me. where christmas normally goes. it just feels hollow. i don't think it's because i am depressed or anything, just stressed. and bored. Canmore is pretty boring. and the threat of university looms just out of sight. i've applied to UofC so I feel a touch better about that. but not really. the ghost of me is excited for christmas, but it cannot not possess the rest of me to feel the same. only for fleeting moments.

i think that it will be better when i am with my family, my mom's side of the family. the ones that i really don't get to see very often. because when we are all gathered around the table, everyone talking over each other, laughing joking and celebrating, that is when christmas normally hits me.

i read a quote that said for each person, there is only one christmas, and all others are simply trying to re-live that memory. something along those lines. at first, i didn't really like this quote, but now i am beginning to wonder if it is true. but i haven't had just one good christmas, i've had many. so, again, that leads me to believe that this quoted individual is wrong.

maybe it's just because i am tired. or because i am so worried about my brother. or school. stupid school. i wish i was one of those people that could get everything that they needed to get done, right away. the ones that don't procrastinate. or the ones that don't let their procrastination get to them. but i am neither of these people. the worst part of it is that i know that i can be the the one that gets everything done, if i just continually kick my own ass into doing it. but every time that i try these days, it just stresses me out all the more. so i stop and try to relax some more. 

i need a longer break, where i can do whatever i want to do, without having to be around any people so that i can get back to me, if only for a little while. but i am busy. and there are things that need to be accomplished. so that's not an option. or at least not an option that i can live the consequences.

thank goodness for music, books and tea. if it were not for these things i am sure that i would have no idea how to relax. how to find my escape. to disconnect.

i am excited, in some ways for christmas. but i also feel guilt. guilt that i am being to greedy, have become to materialistic and i don't like that. not one little bit.

this is a gray blog. the color of heavy rain clouds. i'm sorry that you folks, filled with christmas cheer have to endure this.

odd thing is, this color that this blog admits happens to be my favorite color.
and at the end of all these words that have run through my veins, i feel a little better about everything.

This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

Books invoke a lot of emotion in me. I live in many pages.

This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

I'm worried, about invoking emotion in the wrong individuals. Of turning into someone that I have criticized readily. But except in my case, I know what I would do different. I'm worried that I am disturbing that sleeping dog within me. Invoking undesired and unrequited emotions of my own. I'm becoming my own expert at the fall.

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

I'm pissed that my computer is about to die. And that the key board is being all fucked up.

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight

I'm tired from busy days lately.

This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
Love is to be made

I'm excited for Christmas.

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can

come on friends get up now, you're not alone at all

This has been a good day. I know it, although I don't really feel it right now. I think it's because I am over exhausted and feeling really broke after my third day of Christmas shopping. It's like an infectious disease of the wallet. And then I have no more money and I don't like that.

It's just money I guess. That's why I have a job. I think that I will feel better about it when I give out my presents tomorrow. I love giving presents. And giving cards and stuff. I have been thinking about money a lot lately. Money to go to Turkey, to go to Africa, to go to Vienna. Oh I wish I could do it all. But I don't think I can. Money for university. Someone that's still mangling to sneak up on me. But it's not as scary as it used to be.

I missed hanging out with my Bff. It was a good day, if just for that. It is unbelievably easy hanging out with someone like that. Conversation is never forced, I never feel the need to talk if I don't want to and I rarely have to worry about being misunderstood. The only problem is when I then go to hang out with other people, I am immediately confused when they can't fill in my blanks, or they don't laugh at my jokes or don't interrupt me mid sentence. This best friend relationship did a poor job of preparing me for relationships with others in this world.  Oh well. Because honestly, I love it. I love that I never ever have to worry about holding back, about forcing conversation, about being understood or talking to much. Because I do have a tendency of talking to much. And with some people, they listen to all of it. And then I end up looking like a selfish bitch cause I only talk about me. I think it's just because I am used to our friendship, like I said before. I'm not all to prepared for friendships with different kinds of people than you. But you don't let me only monopolize the conversation and I love it. You make it so easy and I love you for that.

I think someone should document the different types of BFF relationships out there. I am so excited for our sleepover. H.E.R<3

Your piano boy is a hottie. And I hope that your gifts work out well. Thanks for today

Today was good for other reasons as well. For cotton ball snow that falls on such a beautiful setting, for Christmas songs, for wrapping presents, for the last day of classes for finishing off a large part of my Christmas shopping, for getting to school late and for Turkey fest. Tomorrow.

I love the holiday. I love it with every sub atomic particle in my body. I love the music, the snow, the hot drinks, good food, beautiful Christmas trees, the presents, wrapping paper, the no stress situation and most of all for family. I love them all and I am so happy that we will be back together under one roof. I love my family.


Parts of me are behaving weirdly. Getting vindictive and crafty.

∆

It's strange how a really short conversation with one person can honestly just carry you through your day. Maybe I just needed a pick me up. Because when I was in art, Becca said that it seamed like I was in a bad mood. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I was in a bad mood. I was sullen and quiet. And I didn't really want to do anything. Then my day got better, and better and better. I spoke to that boy, I went to work got myself a worthy tip, no matter how small, came home where I got to hang out with one of my favorite people in all the world, my sister and then I got to watch my favorite show. Twice. And although it seams like Friday and I know that it is Thursday, I am not going to let this bring me down, because the good aspects of my day have been too good.

petition to stop school

Homework, you are not attractive. I have no plans on doing you. Good day.