and I have no reason to reason with you

I am attracted to people that make beautiful things. Music, movies, characters, books, paintings, words, friendships, smiles, auras. So much so that my love of what the give to the world distorts their image to me. I can't picture them other than what they are to me, rather than the image of their first impression. So I have, in my mind, a distorted image of every individual that I know. At that point I find it hard to judge weather or not someone is good looking. It's a ridiculous question. They aren't hot, or ugly, they are their face and the combination of every action and thought that lies beneath their skull.

I don't like this, ensnaring of my dreams. It is a complete contradiction of everything I was taught as a child. That anything was possible. I don't like this stress. I don't like school, I don't like being sick. Man Oh Nah Oh. Things confuse me, upset me, stress me out and push me. I like having matching undergarments. I like being home alone. I like these prospects, but I the amount of effort they will demand of me just might break me.

I'd be sad that I never held your hand as you were lowered, but I'd understand that I'd never let it go

sometimes you walk into a room and people glare. black clouds gather and are tossed at you. and you are the blemish on their day.

that is not a good feeling.

Max, maybe the world was meant to break your heart.

Skins, you broke my heart. And I love you so much. Words don't compute, so i'm left with this raw, molten lava bubble of emotion that comprises every single character, ever scene, ever song. And I wish you hadn't ended that way. I love so many things.

I love new music, red hair, best friends, long weekend, great tips, new friends, old friends, phone calls, compliments, change, new shirts, the cabin, my Boppa, my grandma, so much love. Tom Felton and Luke Pasqualino are going to be in a movie together. HOLY GLAHBUEHDUEYBDIRTASDFT Holy fuck. I am excited.

No more school please.

i don't want to say

I'm a human being
Being happy and sane
Oh but human beings
We all need to quit
Being inhumane

There are days that come along and save me. This day was today. Spending countless hours with someone I honestly consider my twin soul. My legs will burn tomorrow, my abs just might hurt, but the countless hours of bonding, DJ'ing on the chairlift, checking out all the hot ski boys, eating our delicious food and singing all the way home could not have been more worth it. I couldn't ask for a better escape. Damn page errors.


Erin, I miss you. Can we please make one of these hangouts work?

And I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be

Freddie, I love you. And I think you die. And I had a dream that you died last night. And it took it a long for me to convince myself that it was a dream in the morning. But I was so very sad.

I'm done. So completely done. Like honestly, just fuck it. I'm done with the drama, this fucking dance that has been going on for what much too long. So I will sit idly by and let shit hit me in the face if need be. I've said everything that I may have conceivably needed to say. And if that is not enough for you then I guess this is where the sidewalk ends for us. If you want to continue down this path, be my guest. Just know that it will no longer be with my participation.

i love skins, i love skins a lot

 

never underestimate the power of words, the value of life, the strength of friendship, the importance of hugs and music. there are a lot of things going on now, i feel like emotions are all taut, stretching from our heart to all regions of our brain as we try to establish logic with irrational feeling. it's a difficult and exhausting progress. words fail, and you are left facing the acknowledgment of your own vulnerability, your shortsightedness, your flaws. and i think that these things are important to be reminded of from time to time. 

i place a lot of value in being able to recognize your own flaws. because even if you can't fix them right away, it's the first step. and when you are able to openly point out that you make mistakes, that you aren't always right and that your decision can hurt people, you can start to work towards fixing all that. you can understand how your actions might upset someone else if you can acknowledge the source of them. that source being your flaws. 

i have used a lot of words today. words attached to heavy emotions and black winged demons that have been dragging me into the abyss lately. but like i said, never underestimate the power of words. because talking it out, giving the words weight and sound, helps, in a way i can't even describe. so even if it takes a long time to get out, (and the result is a bit of a public cry), having that constant anchor of mine to listen to me, to be there for me and to help scare away some of the black is powerful, helpful, reassuring, comforting and the best remedy. thank you. there is nothing starbucks can't solve. 

i'm emotionally exhausted. i wrote a long winded message that leeched energy. and it's my final offering. but it's also the establishment of my stance, that being of a decent person. a detached but kind one if need be.

I just want to sleep.

You don't really think, do you? About how your actions can hurt other people.

but i'm here all the time and i wont go away

I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me

That indy hipster italicized verse is from a Matchbox Twenty song. And it fits me. With family and friends on gray sky, hot tea and Jane Austin days. I am sorry that I can be a bitch sometimes. That I throw up a wall that specializes in snarky comments and a black cloud attitude. I guess I kinda live with parts of my heart on my sleeve. Not everything. Just parts. It's something I should work on. I just don't always try.

I'm very blunt today. I really don't have time for anything but the quickest words to execute my furrowed brow of emotions. Then I step on sensitive toes. We will see how this all turns out. Honestly, I'm getting tired of this game of hide the emotions. Maybe it's simply because I am never one to hold back my true feelings on a issue. Unless it might hurt someone. But I hardly think broken bridges require sensitive builders. Say what you mean, mean what you say. How else is anything ever going to be figured out.

That part of my personality is currently aggravated by my blunt mood. 

There is something about this semester that I just can't pin down. Maybe it's the fact that it is the last of high school, or my first without any french classes or the fact that I just don't have a spare anymore. Maybe I'm just really tired right now. I switched into vacay mode long ago. That is not a fun place to come back from.

I think the word blunt befits its definition. It sounds like what it means.