The words for this blog wont stick together, they wont meld. Maybe they just come from to many different place. Too diverse to find ways to bond together. I never really understood bonding. That's why I dropped Chemistry.
But the thing is, that space between my ribs, that one that has known to be hollow, known to be grey is bursting with color. I'm in a good place, I'm happy.
And very proud. 
And I know that the sadness will come, and the idea of being apart from so many of you next year will bring on laden tears, but for now, I shall revel in our grad.

Congratulations class of 2011. 

and just like that, it was all over. 

what i lack, i need

i can hear the rain now. i sit in my bed, listening to the fall. and yet i have dug it no hole. i can hear it as the mass grave i live in stares back at me. shirts, jeans and sweaters lay on the floor as if massacred by a machete. books, pencils bags and boxes  thrown to the ground by a ticking time bomb. the former pieces of my life lie in surmounting pools of their own blood. so much carnage. so much destruction.
and all the while i can hear the rain.

i've missed the rain. i love it. and although it rained most every day this weekend i have yet to enjoy it. i need the rain right now. i need it to wash away all the dirt and grime from my face. i need it to hide my tears. i need to throw the light, darken the shy and wipe away my footprints so that i may escape. i need the rain.

i have so much to do. so much turning my spine into a string of fiery knives, so much compressing my chest with each breath as though i had already sustained the heart attack, so much weighing on my eyes lulling me to sleep. words. questions. test. stress.

maybe i have dug my own hole. one that i will not get out of in one piece.

i'm so far from not caring

there is something to be said for sad songs, slow beats and quiet verses. they blow the smell of rain over my quiet eyes. i want to see the forest floor in my eyes. green and brown. moss and sticks. dirt and stones.
my sad songs fill my skin with their chords, their harmonies, their melodies and their words. maybe they taint my skin gray. grey like the sky as it deliberates between hail and rain. soon, i grow gray. do you feel my icy winds? do clouds obscure my light?

i have always believed in some sort of divine intervention. a fate-ist who finds comfort in the idea of external forces aligning stars. all the while, i believe that the option of seizing that chance resides with you, and your ability to find the strength to do so. but what happens if you don't know. you don't know if your cards, you hand, your stars are presenting you with exactly what you need. and that feeling that you thought you would always get when something is right, only just sputters to life. and only then does it just admit a dull yellow light. a light that keels over and dies more often then not. are you making a mistake, not accepting what is given?

there is something to be said for disappointment. it fills me, not like the rain. not like the song. it fills just my chest, dark and green. it pushes on my lungs. it makes it hard to breathe.
it fills just my mind, crossing wires, screaming into each receptor. it fills me.
and i can not make it leave my chest, my mind. because i invited it in. and i don't know how to change that. someone once told me they were excited for my life. did they see me staying in calgary? i feel as if i have failed you.  

i met disappointment today and let him take me away. he took me to where the sky was at war with itself. to where the winds whipped at my hair, my limbs and my clothes. they pulled me wherever they could with their invisible fingers, long and bony like those of a witch. they spun me around to where i could no longer tell from where i had come. and i did not know how to find my way back, or how to move on. all the while, sky turned around me.
on one side, the clouds were dark. purple and black. they spun and rumbled in ominous circles.
to another, the clouds were gray. blanketed and flat, distorting light and perception. all the while the winds called to me.

i don't know how to beat this. i don't know what to do. so i let the rain consume me, pelt my skin, fill me.