Hardknock Catalog

This blog will be filled with swearing, whining and angst. For those who are thinking they should read it, I would adivise that you find something more productive to do with your time.

Some days, everything sucks. Even though actually everything dosen't suck, it feels like every dose suck. I really don't like the mood that theses days put me in. I'm in a mood right now, a bad mood. Mostly this is the stupid fucking microsoft word's fault. It is always retared and it makes me want to throw my computer against the wall. Fuck, I hate it. Thankfully I have sad songs and this blog to help me blow off some steam. I am really stressed today because of stupid school. There is so much work to do, and to many things that I want to do. Really all I have to do today is write a stupid french project that I won't even be here to present, but even though that, and studying for Chem is all I have to do today, it is making me crease my brow. I think that it also has to do with the fact that I was suposte to go bowling today for Kids Help Phone but I ditched because I had to much work, and now I feel like a bad person. I didn't even have the guts to call in to tell them that I couldn't go. I just sent off a stupid e-mail because I am whimp. I don't like letting people down, like it's what I hate the most. People also include myself, and anyone else I love, repect or feel a sense of duty towards. The Kids Help Phone people would call under the sense of duty catergory. I let them down because I was suposte to fundraise and bring a lot of people and at least show up. I failed in all aspects and now I feel really guilty. I hate being guitly. I must have a really difficult consience. I hate it sometimes. I wish sometimes that I could just be one of those people that don't really care about other's expectations. But the fact of the matter is, that is who I am. That aspects of my personality makes up a huge part of who I am and effects all of what I do. It's because I do my best to live up to my expectations and expectations of others that makes me such a hard worker. The negative effects of this part of my personalty come to light mainly to those who are closest to me. I get really stressed and moody when I feel that I haven't been able to do what I should have done. I take it out on everyone else around me and it really isn't fair. So to those people I really am sorry. Thankfully I have this stupid place to let go of all this built up stress without taking it out on other people. My favoire place to complain.

Baby, You're Not Alone

New little obessesion of mine; A Very Potter Musical. Serisouly, I am obessed. It's not good and I suspect that if you know me at all, you will be hearing about this some time soon. It is so good, and ridiciously funny. It makes me so happy. So I hope that I don't get to annoying, or push anyone's buttons with this new obessions. But, even though I hope it dosen't bother you, if it dose, I'm sorry, but I am not going to stop.
It's like that with me, if I like something and it happy then I don't see a point in giving it up just cause it might bother someone else. I try to take others in to concideration, but at the end of the day, I think that you would like me more when I am happy anyway.

Some How I Know He Is On His Way To Me

I need to learn how to achieve maximum quality with minimal time imput.
I've had enough of this going above and beyond.
It's going to kill me.

Death may come invisible

My genertaion disgusts me. When was the last time you hit the road to protest the destroying of our nature ressources, or stood up for the injustice found around ever corner. Majortiy of people would say that they never had. Volunteering is seen as a waste of time, not worth your time. We are all and only concered with oursevles. Drugs sex and money, shit, that is all everything is about. I can't be denided in my eyes. It's disgusting. You can hand me off your bull shit excuses, it is health, it helps deal with stress, it helps to make everything feel better and to that I say, bull shit. I used to think that I wish that I could have been part of that, been invited to the parties, been able to drink. Now, I know better. I have better things to do with people that can be fun without the need to smoke or drink. We all think that we know everything, that no one has made the mistakes that you are making now, and no one knows what we are going through right now, because how could they. It's all shit. I mean how many people think that they are actually lucky to be born in a developped democratic country, how many other people in the world care about what party they are going to that weekend, or when they are going to blaze up the next time? Ever take a moment to think about the kids that worry about how they are going to eat that weekend, or the ones that can't even fucking go to school because those in power say that they shouldn't be allowed to learn. God damn it and you think you have problems? You think that you have a hard life? Getting over yourself, god damn it. Slowly we are destroying the world one piece and at time, and who can atually say that they care.

Someone To Watch Over Me

Dear_______
You are the closest thing that I have ever know to love. I don't know what to think about you anymore or how to deal with someone that I am over.  Basically I need a lesson in life, I know. It's strange, even though I am pretty sure I am done with this all, I find myself wanting to talk with you every day, and wishing that I were actaully sending you this letter. Maybe it means that I am not over you yet. Maybe it means that I am just clinging to you, a life raft of sorts, to keep my heart afloat. It is about this time, in my contenplating of you that I beging to wonder, where do you stand in all of this. Can you make heads or tails of all my actions? I doubt it. If you can, please, help me out. I wish that I could know what you were thinking. The scrary, and prehaps annoying, fact is that, I bet if I asked, I would get a straight answer. Straight untill my mind begins to warp the response into all manner of meanings. There are so many secrets in this letter, its no wonder I am not sending it you.
This year, I can feel some self-motivated change within myself, and maybe, admist all that internal chaos, you were just one thing that I wasn't quite ready to give up on yet. Maybe I never will.

Partly yours in spirit

-r.

Music is in me everywhere I go

I don't even know who you are anymore. All I know is that it scares me to tell you the truth for what you might do. I can honestly say that ours is one of the worst relationships that I have with anyone I have ever met. You should be someone I trust and someone I love, not a person I am afraid of.