Under the Sea

Yeah, I was uncomfortable, but it was well worth it.
I had an awesome trip, and I am so exhausted right now that I think I might need to take a four hour cat nap just to ensure that I don't pass out from exhaustion. Words escape me now, leaving only the slow boring ones for me to catch and put to my use, but I had so much fun. I made friends and fortified friendships. I didn't do as well as I had hoped, but I think that the reasons behind were legit. I tried hard. I did a good job, by my own standards and competed with some of the best in Canada. Now I have Germany before me, and to say I am excited is an insult to the anticipation I am feeling. Just four days to get through. Just four days. Lets hope I can make it.

you don't care a bit

I don't like you telling me what I can and cannot do. I will live with whatever consequences come attached to my decisions and take responsibility for my actions. But I am not going to live a small life by picking the easy way out simply because that's what you would do. That has never been my way, and never will be. Don't tell me what I can't do.

you know not my story

Some days I let the music speak for me. Because the words, they leave, and I am left with an insufficient quantity to get me through a day. And I do not know when they will return. So I try my best not to use what few words are left in me.

it is you I have loved

Tyler Clementi

He was a 19 year old student at Rutgers University.
After his college roommate tweeted “roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into Molly’s room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay.”, he lived-streamed Tyler having sexual relations with his boyfriend.Tyler threw himself off a bridge after finding out.

Raymond Chase

He was a 19 year old student at Johnson & Wales University in Rhode Island.
He hung himself in his dorm room.

“Raymond Chase was a person who liked Harry Potter and Rugrats and was a member of the popular facebook group “I cant spell “bananas” without singing hollaback girl.” (source)

Seth Walsh

Seth Walsh was a thirteen year old middle school student.
He was bullied to the point that he could not bear to live.

“He spent a lot of his life frightened.” It was in person, through the internet, through phonecalls. His peers were relentless. He was perpetually picked on for his mannerisms and his style of dressing, even before he came out as gay.
His mother found him hanging from a tree in their backyard. He spent over a week lingering on life support before he died.

Asher Brown

He was a 13-year-old eighth grader at Hamilton Middle School outside Houston His family says that he was “bullied to death”.

”Asher was tormented for being small. For his religious beliefs. For the way he dressed. And for being gay. His bullies acted out mock gay sex acts in phys ed class.”His parents repeatedly contacted school officials on his bullying. Nothing was ever done.
He shot himself in the head.

Billy Lucas

He was a 15-year-old freshman at Greensburg High School in Indiana.
“Everyone made fun of him.” Like Asher, his school administration knew but did nothing.
A friend says the bullies would call Billy “gay and tell him to go kill himself.” Homophobic hate messages have been left on his facebook memorial page.

They all died. 

it's just to heavy for Superman to lift

I deleted my last blog. Not because I regret saying what I did, or believe it any less that I did a few hours ago. I just wanted to post another blog, a very honest and candid one, and I felt embarrassed to be posting so many blogs in a 24 hour period. Scoff if you will. It's how I felt.

I think in colors often, and if this blog was a color, it would be raw umber, because it's going to be very honest and candid. Please refrain from using the word angst in describing it, not because I believe that I am angst free or above angst at all. I am a teenager, I am built for angst. At least this is what a very trusted source tells me. But it's just that I have a very negative feel, color whathaveyou attached to angst, and these are my thoughts and feelings for the moment, and I don't want them to be written off, or thought of as wrong because you label them with angst. 

I think that we are all headed to darker clouds. Maybe it's because it's fall, and no longer charming. Maybe it's because the days are getting shorter. More likely than anything, it's because it's grade twelve and things are happening to fast. That's what it's like for me anyway.

I know it's not what you meant at all, but I am sorry that I am a bad listener some days. I add the some days because I do believe it's only some days. The days when I see my own dark clouds and think that I am the only one facing a down pour. Then I crash inwards and think only of paint strokes, scholarships, rotting teeth and my other problems. Other days I am better. You honestly are the one person I can and will tell everything to. I have a hard time doing it, but it always makes me feel better, just sharing. And it seams that the more I share those dark cornered thoughts with you, the easier it gets. Never feel useless. You are so many things, bubbly, loved, charming, gorgeous, smart, kind, loving, talented, stylish, quirky, but useless and whiny never make that list.  Please never imagine just because I have a tendancy to get lost in the fog of my own mind that I don't for one second want to hear exactly who or what pissed you the fuck off in the day, or made you want to throw up the white flag of surrender.

And I take you for granted. You are the best friend anyone could ask for. 

When I read your blog, I can honestly say I saw my own worries and thoughts mirrored in your words. And it makes me glad to know that relating to each others problems is never a big deal.

But as for the other 2/4, your problems are something that I have never encountered before. I see you  both sad, and I want so badly to help, I just don't know how. I don't know what to say. I love you both so very much, and I feel helpless.

And the fact that I can't relate not only makes me feel helpless, but sad. Because I've never had a boyfriend. And it's very whiny pre-teen drama of me, but I feel slightly unloved due to the fact. It's not that I have low self esteam, or think that no one will ever love me, I just wish that that someone would come along soon. Or that there would have already have been someone by now. Instead, there is me, pining after a boy who either doesn't know or doesn't care. And here I sit with a million excuses why I should refrain from saying anything. And I hate excuses.

All I know is that my day can simply be made by talking to you, that you can rarely carry a conversation, that your eyes are very pretty and that I fear sometimes that the only reason you sign off on FB chat is because I come on, (which is silly I know). A tumult of stupid, confusing, sad, and exciting emotions are connected to you.

So then I decide that I am going to move on. But I don't know how so I don't know what to do and I end up feeling the same way I have for a very long time. 

I feel like I am out growing some people. A theme of the story that is this week. And it, like things do today, makes me sad. 

I need to run more, sleep more, work harder, paint more, get the scholarship, the right color, decide my future all while being happy. It's hard. It's like there is a pyramide, where you think if you just get to the next section, tire, if you will, that if you just get this one thing, life will be good. But then you get there, and there are new problems that come with that thing that you wanted. And those problems exists, no matter what you achieve or luck into. And I know this. I've seen this, and experienced it. But yet, somehow I still find myself thinking, "If I just had... everything will be just a little bit better." I just don't know. I wish I knew how to live with very little stress. People say that it's easy, all you need to do is let it go. But the thing about those people is that they don't know me. And where it may be easy for them to just relax and forget all those things that tangled and muddle their minds, I was not build that way. I live with it in me, and I know how to control it on the best of days, but it lives in me. And on the darker days, the restraining walls break down. 

I feel like everything is happening at a regular pace, but I've slowed down. Refused to move on. Rejected the decisions that need to be made. A Luddite of choices. That I am letting myself down by not doing what needs to be done, applying to schools, getting the grades, working harder, avoiding all the responsibilities that are building up like saturated fats in an artery. And I'm going to have that heart attack very very soon here. 

I think I'm getting meaner, colder and more self-involved and the loss of passion in my soul scares me. 

word came through in a letter

I suck at life this last few days. Fuck. I hate it because it isn't like me, but I keep forgetting and dropping the ball. And then that ball breaks my god damn foot. I hate letting people down, I hate it. A crushing fog fills my chest and collapses it from within. And then I have a frowny face. What is wrong with me? Add mass procrastination and I just feel awesome.

I feel a little bit like a failure. 

I wish my iTunes would understand my mood. It does not get it.

I think I need more excitement in my life. More stories to tell. More people to meet.

he's the air I would kill to breathe.

This blog started out happy, a few hours ago when I left it sitting in the edit box. But it shall not turn out that way.

The day was sunny. I bathed in warmth, left school early, played footsie in social (a little), found another sad song, painted, shed a few tears for Harry Potter, lamented, talked, walked places, braided my hair, felt very unproductive and accomplished not all that I wanted to.

I don't know. I had a lot of fun at my debate tournament. Again, I cried. Not for a literary hero, but for hyperinflation of emotion. But I also stumbled over some unwanted truths. They pinch at my hopeless romantic nature. Some of the boys there, how they treat the girls in their life scares me, because I can't understand it and I would hate to be at the end of it. Me, the one who falls so hard, that amnesia seams to set in and no memories are left. And there I sit. Fallen, dazed and confused. With little else to do.
Don't you just love the angst.

Angst; A feeling of acute but vague anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression, especially philosophical anxiety; More commonly, painful sadness or emotional turmoil, as teen angst; To suffer angst; to fret

So yes, that would quite adequately be define as angst. Sorry.


More words exist somewhere, between by brain and my fingers but I feel like the connecting cables have been broken by the hollow in my back. I want to say that I get tired of people some times, that my tolerance for them depletes with increase exposure. How, despite that fact, my best friend is always is someone that I am pretty sure I could never spend enough time with. How it kinda upsets me that my Dad and step-Mom are texting my sister and not me even if I have given them a few reasons to do so. How I am worried about my extreme mood fluctuations. About my fear for those who's walls are built up so high that even those they love cannot break through. About how there is a difference between the person I thought I was and the person I am. How this is something I realized this year and it was a hard one to accept. About how I am not going to be here for Halloween for the second year in a row, about how little I want to do homework, and how little work appeals to me for tomorrow.

All these things are giving me a headache and yet I can't find the words.