he's the air I would kill to breathe.

This blog started out happy, a few hours ago when I left it sitting in the edit box. But it shall not turn out that way.

The day was sunny. I bathed in warmth, left school early, played footsie in social (a little), found another sad song, painted, shed a few tears for Harry Potter, lamented, talked, walked places, braided my hair, felt very unproductive and accomplished not all that I wanted to.

I don't know. I had a lot of fun at my debate tournament. Again, I cried. Not for a literary hero, but for hyperinflation of emotion. But I also stumbled over some unwanted truths. They pinch at my hopeless romantic nature. Some of the boys there, how they treat the girls in their life scares me, because I can't understand it and I would hate to be at the end of it. Me, the one who falls so hard, that amnesia seams to set in and no memories are left. And there I sit. Fallen, dazed and confused. With little else to do.
Don't you just love the angst.

Angst; A feeling of acute but vague anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression, especially philosophical anxiety; More commonly, painful sadness or emotional turmoil, as teen angst; To suffer angst; to fret

So yes, that would quite adequately be define as angst. Sorry.


More words exist somewhere, between by brain and my fingers but I feel like the connecting cables have been broken by the hollow in my back. I want to say that I get tired of people some times, that my tolerance for them depletes with increase exposure. How, despite that fact, my best friend is always is someone that I am pretty sure I could never spend enough time with. How it kinda upsets me that my Dad and step-Mom are texting my sister and not me even if I have given them a few reasons to do so. How I am worried about my extreme mood fluctuations. About my fear for those who's walls are built up so high that even those they love cannot break through. About how there is a difference between the person I thought I was and the person I am. How this is something I realized this year and it was a hard one to accept. About how I am not going to be here for Halloween for the second year in a row, about how little I want to do homework, and how little work appeals to me for tomorrow.

All these things are giving me a headache and yet I can't find the words.