but difficult is not impossible

I know a girl with a lion heart. She is very many things. She has a knack with a pencil, she loves sea turtles, chai tea, Harry Potter and musicals. She is a very good speller, a fantastic dancer, and lives life to the ends of the horizon. I love her very much. She has a way of making me feel better no matter what is going on. She can make me laugh in almost any situation and I have found a lot of myself in her this past year. She offers no apologizes for who she is, and I respect her so much for it. She is a beautiful girl, on each plane of her life.

She might find this blog a little weird because I am so tired.

I love you so much and I know that there is nothing that I can do right now. I wish I could. I can't relate, because I've never been through this. I can't change anything or do anything so I feel mighty helpless. But I will always and forever been here for you. Two in the morning or two in the afternoon. As a crying solider or much needed distraction. And I don't ever want you to forget that. So as bleak as I assume you must feel right now, the only advice that I can really offer that has got me through some of my darkest days is that;

• the world will keep spinning
• things do get better with time
• your bed will always, always be there for you
• and you have an army of friends just a phone call away. 

I love you both. 

it's something that effortless and shouldn't be hard

Such a long day

let life play the guitar strings

Hannah's blog got me thinking, of where I was a year ago. So I went back 364 days, give or take, and took a look at what I had posted November of last year. And what I found was that I was really hung up on a certain individual. So much so that it defined a large part of who I was. The thing is, that this last few months, I found a stepping stone to move on. And I find that I'm not that girl anymore. And it's not particularly because I had a moment of crystallization where I realized what a rut I was in. I had know that, and been trying to change it for a long time. But somewhere else along the line,  I was thrown a rope. And I didn't really look back from that point.

So even though it's looking pretty bleak right now, like this is going to turn into nothing else but a sad excuse for a story of a fling, I appreciate it in a sullen, gloomy sorta way. Because I don't want to be that girl. And any excuse to escape the net that my heart entangles me in is a good one. I know that some will say that I shouldn't give up, but the thing is that I am tired of being the one doing the chasing. So I'm giving up for now. I'll be back in the game sooner or later.

A year ago, I found a lot of myself. And those realizations have stuck with me, but were broken and then pieced together by the harsh realities of the world. They have helped me discover a girl that cares a lot less of what people think of her, that is pushing her own limits and testing all sorts of water. In turn, that has turned me into a bit more of a bitch. But I think this is who I always was, it's just when I was nicer, I was more afraid. I didn't speak my mind as often because I didn't want to offend people, I wanted to be liked by all. I got over that, and now I am a truer version of myself I think. So I can't really regret who I have become when I have stepped more into myself. At least that's how I feel it.

Last years Rachel was facing more angst that this one I think. But that's all a part of growing up. She didn't want to be like by everyone, but was still up for pleasing as many people as possible. And the problem with that is that you end up forgetting what you yourself want. And I kinda see that as weak, letting what others desire of you dictate your life. For me at least, it was about time that I decided for myself.

Maybe it's just my mood today, maybe it's the early setting sun, but I feel like a darker person. Less optimistic. That's one thing scares me about how I have grown in this last year. I am too young to be without hope. But I feel like a 65 year old politician that has just realized that really, no matter what you do, you can't change the world, or stop the genocides, the greed or the cruelty of humanity. I hope it's just me today.

I made a good friend in the past few months, one that last year, I never would have seen coming. And honestly, it's really good. Because he is someone that I know doesn't have that many close friends that are girls, so I feel special in a dumb way. Like being let into some exclusive club. And it branches into me having friends of the male variety. Which, although I didn't really notice at the time, I had been severely missing.

And then there is debate. And as much as other people think it's dumb, I can't help realize how much I love it this year. How debate people are some of my favorites in the world. Last year me wasn't really into debate like I am now. I can honestly say that I love it. And joining debate was one of the best decisions that I made during my high school career. It has brought me to some of my closest friends, to the craziest stories and most eye opening experiences of my life.

I have worked myself a comfortable little niche in high school. So the prospect of going to university is something that does scare me. And being someone that loves change, I find that confusing. That leaves me sitting here, with a knot of stress in her chest, locked in this strange place in her life where she really doesn't know what to do.

so much has changed here, so much has not

all of these moments will be lost in time, like tears.

I had some more thoughts, confessions, things you didn't know, so I am going to make a new blog.

I don't really like the Beatles

I love Harry Potter more than I can possibly say

I have a tenancy to be very stubborn about stupid things because I'm scared. Like (not) talking to the guy that I like.

I play my music really loud because I feel like when there is music playing I have no need to talk.

I feel like I have become more of a bitch in the last few years. But that came with figuring out who I really am. So I am okay with it.

I really love Vampire Diaries

I kinda wish that I was the one to be chased for once. 

I really love nicknames

I get really excited about relationships. They don't even have to be my own.

I hate disappointing other people. More than anything else

I cry a lot. It is because I'm an emotional person.

I get really good at procrastination when I want to be. And then things get bad. And I get stressed.

I'm bad at putting myself in a place where I can get hurt.

and you?

Some things you probably didn't know about me. But now you do

I don't really like flowers. A lot of them just remind me of the reproductive functions of nature. And I find kinda gross. I like how they smell, and I love their colors. But for the most part, I don't really like them. The only exception to this is sweet peas. I love sweet peas.

I used to suck my thumb and still have my stuffy form when I was a baby. She is always in my bed.

I can rarely criticize something until I have heard the criticisms of someone else. Then I can decide if I agree or not. But otherwise, I will probably just like it.

I don't watch a lot of tv or movies, and that makes me sad. I spend a lot of my time in front of my computer and I am worried that it will give me cancer one day.

I find after I really get to know someone, I can't really classify them as attractive or not.

I am proud of my ability to lie convincingly.

I hate being ignored, and it makes me do stupid things.

Sometimes it hurts my feelings when someone doesn't like the same stuff that I do. I know it's stupid, so I try to keep things like that to myself.

It really annoys me when my Facebook wall extends so that there are a lot of posts on my wall. I don't want people to think that I am on Facebook all the time. Even though I am. I care to much about what people think to much, even when I don't like them at all.

I forget quite frequently that people don't have the same thought process as me. And it's a serious issue. Because something that I would do, or say, from my mind, is really cruel, or indicative of how I feel towards that person. But coming from someone else, it carries a completely different meaning. Or no meaning at all.

When I was in the sixth grade,  my best friend, (who was a boy) told me that he was in love with me. In that year, two other of my closest male friends told me the same thing. It freaked me out so much that I developed and irrational fear that every boy I became friends with would like me. It was the dumbest thing but it honestly losing those strong friendships was hard. So I stopped having male friends for a while. I've done a lot better this year at having friends that are boys. I am really proud about it all.

The only way that I know how to get over someone is to find another person to fall for. And this worries me. Because I feel like it's unhealthy.

I feel like I have a personality that gets addicted to things really easy. Such as the internet, other people, caffeine, ect.

I'm worried that I'm losing my humanity, becoming numb to the atrocities of the world.  

I love holding hands. So much.

I love being trusted

I have never feel so lost. Not knowing what I am doing next year, it scares me.

happiness hit her like a train on a track

This blog has really taken a long time for me to produce, because I have been thinking of the words necessary to describe my trip basically since I arrived back home. But the thing is, words wont fit. So I am sorry to all of those closest to me, you will have to deal with my glum mood for a few days while I get over the fact that I am home. And it's not that I didn't miss all of you, because I really did. It's just that I feel like I may have taken for granted all the time that I spent in Germany. And it was a trip of a lifetime. And in it's own right, and own domain, it was some of the best culmination of days in all my life so far. So I miss the beautiful boys, the good food, the yogurt, my German family, not being able to speak the language, the rape dark, learning German words, befriending as many teams as possible and bonding with my team.  I miss it.
In an odd way, I am glad that I feel this sad, because that means that I really enjoyed myself, that I didn't take it for granted and that I will have the joy of one day returning to that beautiful country and all people that I have grown to love in such a short time.

things are going well.

 

No one has blogged in November yet.

I don't like feeling vulnerable. I think it's my number one problem. Cause when I do, that's when I start to get defensive, quick tempered, scared and angry at myself for making the decision that lead to such an uncomfortable place. But I'm working on it, because I have been finding lately, that some people, honestly, are worth it. And they make it so much better once you do open yourself up. The act of sharing itself is so cleansing and therapeutic that most of the time, I don't need consolation, or advice. Just an open ear canal. And I am finding that people are worth the risk, the fear and anticipation that comes with projecting your innards to the world. I want this to go somewhere and I really honestly hope that it does. I'll just have to deal with the scared part of me that wants to drop everything and run at the moment. Put her out in the rain for a while to calm down. 

I like holding hands, to an insane degree. I like change. I like coffee with old friends. I like good conversations with good silences. I like boys. I like teachers that are understanding. I like talking. I like traveling. I like backpacks. I like zippers. I like the color red. I like bus trips. I like B.C. I like sleep. I like team bonding and new friendships. I like West Point Grey. I like the sun. I like the fall. I like debate. I like people.

I like where this is going.