let life play the guitar strings

Hannah's blog got me thinking, of where I was a year ago. So I went back 364 days, give or take, and took a look at what I had posted November of last year. And what I found was that I was really hung up on a certain individual. So much so that it defined a large part of who I was. The thing is, that this last few months, I found a stepping stone to move on. And I find that I'm not that girl anymore. And it's not particularly because I had a moment of crystallization where I realized what a rut I was in. I had know that, and been trying to change it for a long time. But somewhere else along the line,  I was thrown a rope. And I didn't really look back from that point.

So even though it's looking pretty bleak right now, like this is going to turn into nothing else but a sad excuse for a story of a fling, I appreciate it in a sullen, gloomy sorta way. Because I don't want to be that girl. And any excuse to escape the net that my heart entangles me in is a good one. I know that some will say that I shouldn't give up, but the thing is that I am tired of being the one doing the chasing. So I'm giving up for now. I'll be back in the game sooner or later.

A year ago, I found a lot of myself. And those realizations have stuck with me, but were broken and then pieced together by the harsh realities of the world. They have helped me discover a girl that cares a lot less of what people think of her, that is pushing her own limits and testing all sorts of water. In turn, that has turned me into a bit more of a bitch. But I think this is who I always was, it's just when I was nicer, I was more afraid. I didn't speak my mind as often because I didn't want to offend people, I wanted to be liked by all. I got over that, and now I am a truer version of myself I think. So I can't really regret who I have become when I have stepped more into myself. At least that's how I feel it.

Last years Rachel was facing more angst that this one I think. But that's all a part of growing up. She didn't want to be like by everyone, but was still up for pleasing as many people as possible. And the problem with that is that you end up forgetting what you yourself want. And I kinda see that as weak, letting what others desire of you dictate your life. For me at least, it was about time that I decided for myself.

Maybe it's just my mood today, maybe it's the early setting sun, but I feel like a darker person. Less optimistic. That's one thing scares me about how I have grown in this last year. I am too young to be without hope. But I feel like a 65 year old politician that has just realized that really, no matter what you do, you can't change the world, or stop the genocides, the greed or the cruelty of humanity. I hope it's just me today.

I made a good friend in the past few months, one that last year, I never would have seen coming. And honestly, it's really good. Because he is someone that I know doesn't have that many close friends that are girls, so I feel special in a dumb way. Like being let into some exclusive club. And it branches into me having friends of the male variety. Which, although I didn't really notice at the time, I had been severely missing.

And then there is debate. And as much as other people think it's dumb, I can't help realize how much I love it this year. How debate people are some of my favorites in the world. Last year me wasn't really into debate like I am now. I can honestly say that I love it. And joining debate was one of the best decisions that I made during my high school career. It has brought me to some of my closest friends, to the craziest stories and most eye opening experiences of my life.

I have worked myself a comfortable little niche in high school. So the prospect of going to university is something that does scare me. And being someone that loves change, I find that confusing. That leaves me sitting here, with a knot of stress in her chest, locked in this strange place in her life where she really doesn't know what to do.

so much has changed here, so much has not