and now i'm not the only one

it's nine o'clock, and I am ready to go to bed. i'm just waiting now, for what i don't really know, or don't want to admit. more or less it's just me waiting for the exhaustion to beat out the draw of the internet. whatever it is, i can't really beat it. i just have to wait it out, wait for exhaustion to raise the final blow and for aggravation, it's faithful sidekick, to angrily shut the lid of my computer and shove it into the corner. and there it will sit, just waiting for tomorrow where it will consume another inexplicably long amount of my day. but tomorrow is christmas eve, and i have been asked to vacuum, so maybe i wont waste too much time.

i feel like i am missing a hole in me. where christmas normally goes. it just feels hollow. i don't think it's because i am depressed or anything, just stressed. and bored. Canmore is pretty boring. and the threat of university looms just out of sight. i've applied to UofC so I feel a touch better about that. but not really. the ghost of me is excited for christmas, but it cannot not possess the rest of me to feel the same. only for fleeting moments.

i think that it will be better when i am with my family, my mom's side of the family. the ones that i really don't get to see very often. because when we are all gathered around the table, everyone talking over each other, laughing joking and celebrating, that is when christmas normally hits me.

i read a quote that said for each person, there is only one christmas, and all others are simply trying to re-live that memory. something along those lines. at first, i didn't really like this quote, but now i am beginning to wonder if it is true. but i haven't had just one good christmas, i've had many. so, again, that leads me to believe that this quoted individual is wrong.

maybe it's just because i am tired. or because i am so worried about my brother. or school. stupid school. i wish i was one of those people that could get everything that they needed to get done, right away. the ones that don't procrastinate. or the ones that don't let their procrastination get to them. but i am neither of these people. the worst part of it is that i know that i can be the the one that gets everything done, if i just continually kick my own ass into doing it. but every time that i try these days, it just stresses me out all the more. so i stop and try to relax some more. 

i need a longer break, where i can do whatever i want to do, without having to be around any people so that i can get back to me, if only for a little while. but i am busy. and there are things that need to be accomplished. so that's not an option. or at least not an option that i can live the consequences.

thank goodness for music, books and tea. if it were not for these things i am sure that i would have no idea how to relax. how to find my escape. to disconnect.

i am excited, in some ways for christmas. but i also feel guilt. guilt that i am being to greedy, have become to materialistic and i don't like that. not one little bit.

this is a gray blog. the color of heavy rain clouds. i'm sorry that you folks, filled with christmas cheer have to endure this.

odd thing is, this color that this blog admits happens to be my favorite color.
and at the end of all these words that have run through my veins, i feel a little better about everything.