stop your running it’s you you’re running from

 

I

I don't know what happened to me. I don't know what happened to kid who would write out her notes for weeks before an exam. Who would study as soon as she got home. Who got things done. Who cared. Thing is, I don't care anymore, not enough to put in the effort. That girl should come back and help this one. Just until June. 

II

I have a temper, I know. Some days I live like dynamite sweating nitroglycerin. It's some part of me  shutting down, overriding logic for pride. Like a flood gate. I think that would be my fatal flaw, what the sirens song would speak to. But, for the most part, I think I'm pretty good at avoiding this. I carry some foresight in my front pocket to avoid explosive situations. 

Emotions, no matter how volatile, need to be respected. Because no matter the situation, emotion does not adhere to logical, or explanation. As such cannot expect react in a linear logical explanation accessible to all. Especially when temperamental.

So I need to let mine fester, let it filtrate through my system. And so it's best to let it alone. Let me alone. Let the venom leave so I don't spit any in your face. I know this. you might suspect that the pinpointing of this issue would help me eradicate it. But it doesn't. Probably because I have found that burning it all out is the best and only way for me to deal with it. Maybe I like feeling the anger, it burns everything down, all the good all the bad and I start anew. 

III

My name is Rachel, I'm 18 in 24 days. I believe that what's done is done and nothing can change that. So I don't find myself regretting much. I don't deal well with stress. My airways and veins conglomerate in my chest, till the tension is so great I'm sure that I will die of a heart attack one day. The same feelings are produced when brackets aren't closed. I cry a lot more now a days then I ever remember and I don't know why. I love Harry Potter. I love many things. I like having long red hair. I like video games. I like holding hands. Some days I really need a hug. I hate being in extended contact with other peoples fabric, (clothes, furniture, carpets) particularly if I am not all to comfortable with that individual, or I think that they are dirty. I don't hide too much, but I hide out when I don't want to share. Spoken word is a toxic smoke in my room when the tea lights are on. I like to be alone. 

++ having someone you didn't expect reach out to make you feel better