it's just to heavy for Superman to lift

I deleted my last blog. Not because I regret saying what I did, or believe it any less that I did a few hours ago. I just wanted to post another blog, a very honest and candid one, and I felt embarrassed to be posting so many blogs in a 24 hour period. Scoff if you will. It's how I felt.

I think in colors often, and if this blog was a color, it would be raw umber, because it's going to be very honest and candid. Please refrain from using the word angst in describing it, not because I believe that I am angst free or above angst at all. I am a teenager, I am built for angst. At least this is what a very trusted source tells me. But it's just that I have a very negative feel, color whathaveyou attached to angst, and these are my thoughts and feelings for the moment, and I don't want them to be written off, or thought of as wrong because you label them with angst. 

I think that we are all headed to darker clouds. Maybe it's because it's fall, and no longer charming. Maybe it's because the days are getting shorter. More likely than anything, it's because it's grade twelve and things are happening to fast. That's what it's like for me anyway.

I know it's not what you meant at all, but I am sorry that I am a bad listener some days. I add the some days because I do believe it's only some days. The days when I see my own dark clouds and think that I am the only one facing a down pour. Then I crash inwards and think only of paint strokes, scholarships, rotting teeth and my other problems. Other days I am better. You honestly are the one person I can and will tell everything to. I have a hard time doing it, but it always makes me feel better, just sharing. And it seams that the more I share those dark cornered thoughts with you, the easier it gets. Never feel useless. You are so many things, bubbly, loved, charming, gorgeous, smart, kind, loving, talented, stylish, quirky, but useless and whiny never make that list.  Please never imagine just because I have a tendancy to get lost in the fog of my own mind that I don't for one second want to hear exactly who or what pissed you the fuck off in the day, or made you want to throw up the white flag of surrender.

And I take you for granted. You are the best friend anyone could ask for. 

When I read your blog, I can honestly say I saw my own worries and thoughts mirrored in your words. And it makes me glad to know that relating to each others problems is never a big deal.

But as for the other 2/4, your problems are something that I have never encountered before. I see you  both sad, and I want so badly to help, I just don't know how. I don't know what to say. I love you both so very much, and I feel helpless.

And the fact that I can't relate not only makes me feel helpless, but sad. Because I've never had a boyfriend. And it's very whiny pre-teen drama of me, but I feel slightly unloved due to the fact. It's not that I have low self esteam, or think that no one will ever love me, I just wish that that someone would come along soon. Or that there would have already have been someone by now. Instead, there is me, pining after a boy who either doesn't know or doesn't care. And here I sit with a million excuses why I should refrain from saying anything. And I hate excuses.

All I know is that my day can simply be made by talking to you, that you can rarely carry a conversation, that your eyes are very pretty and that I fear sometimes that the only reason you sign off on FB chat is because I come on, (which is silly I know). A tumult of stupid, confusing, sad, and exciting emotions are connected to you.

So then I decide that I am going to move on. But I don't know how so I don't know what to do and I end up feeling the same way I have for a very long time. 

I feel like I am out growing some people. A theme of the story that is this week. And it, like things do today, makes me sad. 

I need to run more, sleep more, work harder, paint more, get the scholarship, the right color, decide my future all while being happy. It's hard. It's like there is a pyramide, where you think if you just get to the next section, tire, if you will, that if you just get this one thing, life will be good. But then you get there, and there are new problems that come with that thing that you wanted. And those problems exists, no matter what you achieve or luck into. And I know this. I've seen this, and experienced it. But yet, somehow I still find myself thinking, "If I just had... everything will be just a little bit better." I just don't know. I wish I knew how to live with very little stress. People say that it's easy, all you need to do is let it go. But the thing about those people is that they don't know me. And where it may be easy for them to just relax and forget all those things that tangled and muddle their minds, I was not build that way. I live with it in me, and I know how to control it on the best of days, but it lives in me. And on the darker days, the restraining walls break down. 

I feel like everything is happening at a regular pace, but I've slowed down. Refused to move on. Rejected the decisions that need to be made. A Luddite of choices. That I am letting myself down by not doing what needs to be done, applying to schools, getting the grades, working harder, avoiding all the responsibilities that are building up like saturated fats in an artery. And I'm going to have that heart attack very very soon here. 

I think I'm getting meaner, colder and more self-involved and the loss of passion in my soul scares me.