I want to be Elizabeth Bennet

I can't say enough how I love this book and the movie. I think it is one of my most favorite books of all time. I love it so very much.

but I am cleaning up so well

Today was a really nice day. It was a contrast of friendships and demonstrated how they all make me happy. One with a best friend where if words aren't there, silences are calming and easy, one with a best friend who silence is rare but her zest for life spills out with ever sentence, and a friend were conversation never ends simply for the fact that we don't hang out that much. But everything was so easy. And so much fun. Someone where I can almost hear the click, the realization of a friend in an other, a mirrored soul. I imagine it like those hair clips, that with a little bit of pressure, they click shut. And in those that I am closest with, I can sense that click every time we hangout. Others there is never the click. It's like we operate on different plans of life, just missing the other. And as much as I might like that person, I feel no desire to be closer with the simply because there is no click. And I identify each relationship I have with weather or not there is a click.

I had good conversations today. With much insight.

And it made me think about high school, how we are honestly growing up. And how in about five to six years, maybe even less, it wouldn't be weird if some of us were getting married. It's strange. And then I think about how all the douche bags are going out into the world with the rest of us. And the real world will treat them like the ass holes they are. For the most part. And that makes me happy.

i have made these songs for you

My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur 

 

I feel like I am blogging more out of obligation rather than my own desire to. I feel a need to shove some of my older post away into the archives of my blog and to send some words out there for my fellow community to read. Because basically everyone that still blogs has blogged in the last little while.  So here I am, listening to Kid Cudi on repeat, in my every messy room with dishes all around me typing. And I think that it will take me a while to finish this literary piece basically because I'm singing and I have no point really to convey with these words. So I have no idea the route it will take. I'll just type and let my finger decide. 

I am worried because I have been hanging out with people a lot lately. And then when I do that I find that I don't want to hang out with other people in the coming days. I convince myself that I will have no fun, that I am too tired or boring or grumpy and should just procure some excuse so that I can finally have alone time. But the thing is after I have hung out with everyone, I know I will be so glad that I didn't bail. I have too much fun. So I guess I will just have to bite the bullet and force myself to follow through on my commitments. Because it's just the getting myself there that is hard. Making sure I don't convince myself a night alone would be better. After I have tackled that mountain I am good. 

I don't think people really understand but honestly I need, absolutely require an insane amount of time to myself. Because if I don't I start to loose pieces of myself, I get a nasty temper and I am a lot quitter than normal. I honestly dont' feel that comfortable with others when I don't have those hours alone. I feel like I am falling apart, just a little bit. This has caused problems before because people think that I don't want to hang out with them. But when it comes to times like this, it's never just one person. It's everyone. It's not like I don't like any single person, it's just self preservation. It's me that's the problem. It's my unbelievably odd desire to be entirely alone, to have the only sound exit my mouth in song, the only words I produce on paper and to express myself with only a pencil in my hand. I just can't handle being around others a lot. I'm extremely introverted in that sense.  

Because I am stalling things like cleaning my room, studying for my learners and starting a new painting, I took a personality test to find that I am still an INFJ, introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging. But I am only slightly introverted and moderately the rest. It's quite accurate really, all the missed was my ability to be loud. But I guess that's the whole idea of being slightly introverted. Truly though I feel like there is an extremely introverted part of me that comes out when the extrovert retires for the day. And he quietly runs me from there, home to my bedroom and calming music.

"INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.

INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits", rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset. INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired.^[16] Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries."

i just think i'm free

There are few things that I love as much in this world as Disney movies. A select few people make that cut. I really do love Disney movies to a degree that some may suggest clinical intervention. Disney combined with Harry Potter defined my childhood and therefore is an intrinsic part of myself.  But that combined with cowboy boots, new music and most of all much needed time with my best friend, made it one of the best days that I have had in a very long time. 

We fight sometimes, that best friend and I, but I think that just comes with being as close as we are. We get all bent out of shape about things that normally aren't that big a deal. Normally it's just stress. Or not being able to actually talk in a very long time. It's silly. We're both sorry at the end and it never last to long. Honestly, I can't handle not talking to her, or knowing that she is mad at me for any more than a few hours. So we get through it. And we're stronger at the end. And it just goes to prove to me how much our friendship means to me. How much I value her opinion, her words and humor.  I know that my life would not be the same without her. That without her by my side for me to lean on time and time again, I would be a weaker, less happy person. So I'm grateful and unbelievable blessed to have someone to go to a Disney movie with at 9:30 at night to an empty theater. 

I was suppose to post this many hours ago. But I organized my photos instead. So now it's late. And I am going to sleep until late in the afternoon and not feel bad about it for one moment. 

i made theses songs for you

i just hope that it effects you, even just a little bit. i think it must. because you knew. and things were weird for a while and now they are changed. maybe even reversed. no probably not.

but i can't imagine that after all that time, these things would have absolutely no effect. so i do hope it stings. just a little

becca fuller, i love you. please walk again. next time i see you walk, i am going to scream, it's a miracle. i have your book

love

my heart thump not from being nervous

That went. Well. I think. Maybe. Seconding guessing.  I'm on repeat. Short. Choppy. Repeat. Done. 

And again. Cheap words. Cheap songs. Maybe I'm just broken. I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken. Not in the heart. 

Just not working.Wiring issues.

The real words. What I want to say. I'm confused. Maybe a little upset. I, what? to say here. But I have support. He interprets. He doesn't know what's going on either. I don't want to study for french. fuck that. I want to do other things. Thing is I've already done things. Now here I am. And I don't want to study. I want to leave. I want to-NO. No. I don't. Change. I want to leave. on my own. . I want friends. I. I. I. Who, what the fuck. No more. Beating on social. Can you develop temporary ADD? From stress? At least that's what I think happened. Wait it out. Then more talking. Short conversations. I wanted to yell. Good, good, very bad. We've got problems. We've all got problems. Left right and center. Some understood. Lah de fucking da. No, I don't want to. Can't fucking see it. Fuck it all. 

FUCK

I think this is what you call a break down.

listen to super mash bros and you will know where i'm coming from.

I'm just talking.

ugh

 

Foudre. 

I don't do well with good byes. I don't like studying. I'm not prepared. I'm not eating well. I feel like there is a very good chance that I will not do well at all. I'm feel left out. I have formed an amazing new trio. I have a new, catchy french song. I think I have a pretty good french accent, others don't agree. I miss my Germans. I think I should try and apply to some other universities. I should do some more studying. I cry a lot. I'm behind. I'm not being a very good friend. I'm lost. I'm looking forward to when I am done with all these stupid exams. I'm being very selfish. The Hallows are getting me though a lot. I want to be alone. I want to catch up with all my friends. I want to do well. I want exams to be done...

Then things will be better. I hope. 

so it seams i'm not breathing

 

I feel like Pangaea. Or rather that we are Pangaea, all slowly being torn apart. Everyone on a completely different page of life. We are moving on to who we are suppose to be, and leaving the rest behind. And this isn't suppose to happen. Not now. It's bad enough that we have University separating us all, spreading to the corners of the world not unlike those continents. 

Words words. It's all just words. 

this will hurt more than anything has before

 

There are very few people who aren't pissing me off right now. Let's hope it's just exams. Because I think you are stressed to. So I wont document any changes as permanent till later. I know my own stress isn't helping things.

I'm mad though. For now. 

but not alone

somewhere between the Smirnoff, the drunken hugs, heart to heart conversations, and David Bowie face paint, something tangible changed. I feel like this is the first time, walking from one year to another that I felt different the next morning. something beyond the high blood sugar and alcoholic seizure of my system. and if i was honest with my words here, i could probably explain why. but those words are too honest and they hold truths that i don't want to face right now.

words words. I have so many words, bouncing around my brain, ricocheting off the walls of my throat to the cavity in my chest. the echos of impact upon the walls inside me hurt. unwanted.
that one is making the biggest impact. screaming the loudest echo. and these eight letters carry a leaden weight.

unwanted defines a second part me. the part that want absolutely nothing to do with anyone right now. who wants to be alone for a week, maybe more, accomplishing all that I need to get done, talking very little listening to the songs that will release me for a while. I have had none of this alone time over break. it's effects are resounding. like the echos. they carry.

but i'm glad we resolved our tensions. i'm glad we had our heart to heart. i missed you and i promise i have nothing but a desire to rebuild what we had and make it all the stronger.

this year things will change.

this year i will try to walk more quietly. i will work to find who i am and what i want to do. and from there, shape the person of my minds eye. i want to lessen the discrepancies between who i am and who think i am. i will talk less and think more.

i will find things, and discover. and that is what i resolve to do.