i have made these songs for you

My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur 

 

I feel like I am blogging more out of obligation rather than my own desire to. I feel a need to shove some of my older post away into the archives of my blog and to send some words out there for my fellow community to read. Because basically everyone that still blogs has blogged in the last little while.  So here I am, listening to Kid Cudi on repeat, in my every messy room with dishes all around me typing. And I think that it will take me a while to finish this literary piece basically because I'm singing and I have no point really to convey with these words. So I have no idea the route it will take. I'll just type and let my finger decide. 

I am worried because I have been hanging out with people a lot lately. And then when I do that I find that I don't want to hang out with other people in the coming days. I convince myself that I will have no fun, that I am too tired or boring or grumpy and should just procure some excuse so that I can finally have alone time. But the thing is after I have hung out with everyone, I know I will be so glad that I didn't bail. I have too much fun. So I guess I will just have to bite the bullet and force myself to follow through on my commitments. Because it's just the getting myself there that is hard. Making sure I don't convince myself a night alone would be better. After I have tackled that mountain I am good. 

I don't think people really understand but honestly I need, absolutely require an insane amount of time to myself. Because if I don't I start to loose pieces of myself, I get a nasty temper and I am a lot quitter than normal. I honestly dont' feel that comfortable with others when I don't have those hours alone. I feel like I am falling apart, just a little bit. This has caused problems before because people think that I don't want to hang out with them. But when it comes to times like this, it's never just one person. It's everyone. It's not like I don't like any single person, it's just self preservation. It's me that's the problem. It's my unbelievably odd desire to be entirely alone, to have the only sound exit my mouth in song, the only words I produce on paper and to express myself with only a pencil in my hand. I just can't handle being around others a lot. I'm extremely introverted in that sense.  

Because I am stalling things like cleaning my room, studying for my learners and starting a new painting, I took a personality test to find that I am still an INFJ, introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging. But I am only slightly introverted and moderately the rest. It's quite accurate really, all the missed was my ability to be loud. But I guess that's the whole idea of being slightly introverted. Truly though I feel like there is an extremely introverted part of me that comes out when the extrovert retires for the day. And he quietly runs me from there, home to my bedroom and calming music.

"INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.

INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits", rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset. INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired.^[16] Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries."