somewhere between the Smirnoff, the drunken hugs, heart to heart conversations, and David Bowie face paint, something tangible changed. I feel like this is the first time, walking from one year to another that I felt different the next morning. something beyond the high blood sugar and alcoholic seizure of my system. and if i was honest with my words here, i could probably explain why. but those words are too honest and they hold truths that i don't want to face right now.
words words. I have so many words, bouncing around my brain, ricocheting off the walls of my throat to the cavity in my chest. the echos of impact upon the walls inside me hurt. unwanted.
that one is making the biggest impact. screaming the loudest echo. and these eight letters carry a leaden weight.
unwanted defines a second part me. the part that want absolutely nothing to do with anyone right now. who wants to be alone for a week, maybe more, accomplishing all that I need to get done, talking very little listening to the songs that will release me for a while. I have had none of this alone time over break. it's effects are resounding. like the echos. they carry.
but i'm glad we resolved our tensions. i'm glad we had our heart to heart. i missed you and i promise i have nothing but a desire to rebuild what we had and make it all the stronger.
this year things will change.
this year i will try to walk more quietly. i will work to find who i am and what i want to do. and from there, shape the person of my minds eye. i want to lessen the discrepancies between who i am and who think i am. i will talk less and think more.
i will find things, and discover. and that is what i resolve to do.
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