Habs.

I feel like I am going to be hit by a train. Quite honestly. I feel like I have fallen off the map, forgotten how I got here and am about to be hit by a train. So I sit there, on the dirt ground, so extremely confused, staring around as a train comes careening towards me. And all I can think is what the fuck is going on. Honestly. What the actual fuck is going on.
Maybe the whole feeling like I am about to be hit by a train this is a premonition for some serious shit that is about to hit the fan. Or the work load that is going to fall on me and kill me. Because I actually FEEL like a train is going to come through my wall. Fackk. I don't know if I can deal with this. The thing is, this isn't even me upset or being a whiny baby. I'm just fucking confused. Probably over tired. And who knows, maybe all the stress has just made me snap. Cause I feel like I am going to. Or did, or wont. Who the fuck knows.
So now I am just crazy.
So all those who I love right now, all the things that I haven't done: I am sorry. This is my formal apology that I am entirely off the map right now that I don't even know what is going on in my own life. I consider a room to be a analogy for the state of my life. And the thing is, I had a container growing mold  under my desk. I have shit every single place possible. I cant contain my life so it spills out of me on to the floor.
Faaccck me.

How on earth did I get to this point?

"what are we going to do next year?"

there is something about rain that seams to get to me in a way nothing else can. sometimes it is happy and alive. this rain was not. it was like the sky was crying. like happiness had run its corse. like melancholy clouds and wet sidewalks were the order for the day. i love the rain. it's clean and fresh. the clouds tuck in a city as if it were a small child. 

but some days it rains not for love. 

somedays, the sky cries with you, and that is why it rains. 

it rained that day. and rain was a companion. we sat together in our dim light, (from sky and soul) wet faces and silent pain. it was a hard day.

i feel emptied. balled out like a cantaloupe or the inside of a pumpkin. hollowed so that i resound when you place an ear to the cavity of my chest. it's a tangible loss. it's something that has defined, does define me. will continue to define me. 

but it's the end now. 

and i don't know how to deal with that. i don't know how to deal with the fact that i did so poorly. that i pretty much shit the bed in the last tournament that i will ever have. all these things beat on me. hard heavy blows. fast to bruise on my raining mind.

i am lost. for words, for energy for ability to explain. 

this is just one wound, absence in my life that will take some time to heal.

morning came after the rain. i woke to a panic attack. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't find calm. i woke up alone. 

very much so

and as i drove through the city of halifax on  a bus that would take me on to a new stage of my life, i thought of something. i thought that each individual in built over years. like a city.  you will have beautiful victorian houses painted all sorts of beautiful colors. and ugly square bungalows when the war breaks out. 

we are all cities. built from the stones of our world

Bon Iver is coming out with a new album. Justin Vernon's words meld and mend the fabric of my soul. I can not wait.

I don't think you understand. I'm uncertain to begin with. I need more words for this. I don't like to wait. I simplify things. I don't play games.

the very thought unwinding me

sometimes i think in colors. i see moods in colors, auras that surround the body, like the blue feathering we did around the continents in elementary school to demonstrate the ocean. if you think about it, that was kinda a ridiculous process. i mean, what else would the ocean be rather than the absence of land? elementary school. it was an easy time, but for the most part a lot of what went down there makes less and less sense as i get older.

that can be kinda scary because maybe that means i am forgetting what it's like to be a kid. maybe i'm losing that part of me. but i still watch disney movies, know the word to all the disney songs, still like to squish my toes in the mud and walk around in the spring rain. so maybe i'm actually doing okay.
i pity any person that has yet to squish their toes in the mud, or believes themselves above such childish things. it has to be the most ridiculous, joyous, messiest thing i have done in a long time. i can't help but sequel and laugh. my reactions truly are beyond me control when my shoes come off and the water has turned the ground to mush. never forget how much fun mud can be. even if you are eighteen.

mom i love you but i think you need to just leave me alone more frequently. i don't know what this is.

i lose track of post sometimes. the words get away with me, take me to little alcoves that i didn't mean to go to, and beget a new destination. today i ment to talk about auras, blog posts, best friends and the mild crease in my brow. but interesting, good words like beget have lead me astray.
i have an aura today composed of the soft light of the christmas lights taped to my desk, of tea and the nostalgic aroma it exhales, of old songs and the smell of rain. of shakespeare, chocolate and self-involved pictures. of sunshine, dozey smiles and new shirts. it would be a perfect mood for a summer day. with good playlist and suntanning. problem is, summer days first require me passing school. something i am not feeling all to keen on these days.

Allison, i think that you are witty. your post made me smile. i could relate. i kinda love you a lot and forgot to say that for many months. now it comes in excess.

i forgot to mention silly little things, words too leaden to speak with eye contact. i don't know. all i know is that i'm waiting for a flashing red light for reasons i can't explain. that i've been whining for too long. that summer is short and
that i need more words.

Simon Bellamy

it's april today, as was yesterday. i'll be 18 in a week. i scares me a little to see how march disappeared. like wispy smoke, or the hope of spring admits all this snow. i feel deflated today, kinda weak and hollow. i know why. i don't really want to say it. i don't want people to ask, i don't want to be one of those girls that whines about these sort of things. but i've said before that feelings are never wrong. so it would stand to reason that this same logic should be self applicable to my own life. but that's a lot harder than one might make it out to be.

i just feel lonely.