the curisous case

There are two hours left. Just 120 mineuts before the end of the year rolls around for western mountain time. And really, I don't care that much. There is nothing special or significant about this day for me, just another day in a sucession of days of weeks of months of years that just makes up my life. One of the many things that I picked up in my english class this past year has stuck with me the thoughts of the new year was on the lines of who we are today is who we are tomorrow and who we were ten years ago. Like the river. Always flowing alway moving so we are always who we are is who we have always have been and who we always have been. I like this idea. And with this idea comes a revlation that if this is indeed true, dates, times, places, don't hold as much significance as modern culture places on the them. Because we are always and yet never where we were or where we will be. It's interesting.
So with that, despite the fact that I am having a bit of a lame night, I don't really care all that much. It's all relative

I trust you with a lot.

Out of sheer bordem due to the fact that my mother is out and we can't start our movie till she gets back, I am going to be writting myself a blog to just talk and pass some time. I would have otherwise listened to music but since my step-dad is watching a movie on the telivision, I am going to have to suffice with this instead. Which is really no big deal because I really do enjoy my blog and everyone's blog. Blog's are actually pretty great place. It just gives me a really nice place to let go of all the things that are really stressing me out or pissing me off and I can just vent them out. I think that this blog had done wonders for my mental health, and I would suggest to anyone that is stressed or overwhelled to get themselves a key board and a monitor and internet access, and get themselves a blog. Everyone once in a while I get worried that the people out there, all five of you, that when you read my whinney words of complaint, you may judge me on what I am saying or even who I am. Simply because this place is where I am most open, at least compaired to any other internet site.
Today I am sleepy, but you will not know why because my mother is home. Night

But you'll never find another like moi how you ridin' round in your drop-top car

I love Jessie McCartney. He has the same birthday day as me.
I also love that we only have two and a half days of school left,
I don't love the fact that I have a lot of homework to do in that time that I just seam unable to accomplish. I just can't do anything.

I don't understand why FB is becoming so angsty, like the page " As soon as you say "hi" instead of "hey" i know theres something wrong." Seriously? Are you for cereal? I think that I am going to go around saying Hi to people all the time now. That's just dumb. And "I Hate People That Dont Text Back ". I mean yeah, I know it is annoying but does an entire fan page on FB really need to be directed to unite all the people in the world that don't like being ingnored via text? Or those who "Hate It When annoying people dont get the hint that you dont like them. " Yeah okay, I think we can all agree that annoying people can suck but again, these blatently stupidly obvious groups that most people in the world would agree to are really not necessary. How about a "I hate how angsty people are getting on FB, making up stupid pages to like for no good reason" page. How about I start that one up for everyone in the FB world. That is not to say that all pages are pointless. I like the funny ones, or ones that indicate the oddities of human behavoir, but like "Some people just piss me off!" is not an oddity of human behavoir. Yes, some people are going to make you mad. I understood that before you liked that page on FB. But for some reason, 1,577,038  felt it was necessairy to tell the world this. Gahh.

I like music, and I like christmas.

indifference

I don't even want to write about it

all the money I had is gone

Dear Rachel
You need to stop being a creepy stalker. And finish your english homework.
Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Yours Truly
RS

I wounder if you'd miss me when I'm gone

It's not going to happen, and there is some part of me, way deep down that knows it. But for some reason, I just can't let it go. In me it sits, like a festering illness, and all I can do is wait for the next conversation, hug, look, to boost that faint hope once again. I wont get over it, but maybe, with some help, I can move past it.

And yet, I'm still waiting for you. And I probably always will be.

you make it hard to smile becase you make it hard to breathe

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

New Moon, I love you!

we'll get there our way

Birds of a feather flock together. So here is to my flock, because in you, I see the parts of me that I like best.

There are some flocks out there though, (sticking with the bird idea) that I am starting to realize I like a lot less that I thought I did. Natural selction in play.

pay no mind to the signs

"What if you
Could wish me away"

 Somedays, I beleive you want to.

your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet

Mysterious... oftentimes, a loner. You know your true friends and only them are allowed to understand the real you.

You hide your emotions... Sometimes pretending... to be always happy. Sometimes, not giving even a hint of what you really feel.

You search for love... you’re a hopeless romantic and every time you enter a relationship, you give your all and believe “this is the One.”

You appreciate simple things in life... You hate complicating things that’s why you’re typically up-front in any aspect.

You’re an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend... You don’t care if your partner doesn’t really love you as long as you love him/her. You give your all...

You’re intimidating! People have an impression that you’re elite—or if not, you simply look sophisticated. You gain praises but not companions.

You’re independent! You’re also risky just like the bajaken who sail in the vast and dangerous ocean to look for treasures!

good or bad you're just a habit

You're always on my mind, your always in my heart. I don't know how to forget or where to begin. I just can't seem to let go. You, it's always you. Floating on the tide of my thoughts, tainting my smile and influencing my step. I don't know what to say anymore. All this time has run me out of words and nearly all emotion. Maybe it will always be like that. Maybe I'll forget. But I dout it.

bears, beats, battlestar galactica

Things I like
This list of things is dedicated to Hannah, basically because she keeps me happy even when I don't want to be. And she challenged my to write this.
And this is not in any order, just what came to mind.

1. Just to start this off, numero uno will go to the one who started this list. The one and only miss Hannah Banana. You are my best friend and I love you. Thank you for always being very funny, kind, understanding, angry, mocking, ranting and an all around amazing person. I probably don't say it enough but I don't know what I would do or who I would be without you. You are the roots to my tree, you keep me grounded. 
2. Second will have to go to my little sister, because even though she can be really mean to me and make fun of me and be really annoying, she also knows me better than most everyone in the world. She makes me laugh whenever I am upset and brings me things. Like joy and my laundry from the basement. And she found my head phones, which might have just saved my life. 
3. Third will have to go to music, because it is my personal favorite form of therapy and I love it very much.
4. English class will claim fourth place, for pissing me off, keeping me up till two, for being smart, having fun and challenging me like nothing else. Even if it can be a bitch
5. This space here will go to all the new friends that I have made this year, with special mention going to all those kids in number 4. I love you kids so much and I so glad that I didn't leave that class
6. Glee, for making me laugh, making me cry and giving me something to make wednesdays worth living through.
7. Seventh place goes to tea, my drink of choice.
8. Eight goes to change, to the change that I have found in myself this year, 
9. Ce numero ici vas à la française, parce que, même si les autre ne l'aiment pas, je l'aime. 
10. The sun
11. The weather. And don't get mad at me for this Hannah, because you asked for it. I love the fall, the cold the leaves the fall sun and smells. 
12. That leads to number 12, I love snow and I love skiing and I want to going skiing soon.
13. Not having homework, or chosing not to do it. That is was I like here
14. Having a realistic view on life, (and that includes not believeing that the world will end in 2012.)
15. Getting over people
16. New Moon. I know that this will cause people to atomatically judge me for even putting this in, so I am going to go all out and tell you just how happy this makes me. I am retardely excited to go see this movie because I love the whole series. Except the fourth book was a little weird. That aside, the movies, the music associated with it, the books, I love them all. And I can not wait for to see this movie. 
17. Funny things, like the office and philly D and friends and all those good things.
18. LOST. Oh heaven help me I am so excited for this next season. 
19. Smiles, smiles are good
20. and eye contact.
21. Bean bags, the ones that heat up and keep my toes warm
22. Christmas and christmas crafts. 
23. Laughing
24. Lyndsay, simply because she puts up with all my stupidness, and tirdeness and bitchyness and because she was a new friend that I made this year and I love her very much. And we suffer together through chem and have fun or suffer through english, depending on our teachers mood. Pretty much I love you kid,
25. Alone time, because I don't get enough of it.
26. Special sharing secret time without Hannah and Allison in English.

the love we find in the sky

The truth is in the end I am pretty useless withouth friends

Things I've Had Enough Of

• school
• homework
• no sleep
• it not being christmas or christmas break
• test
• fucking microsoft word, like fuck
• essays 
• editing things 
• questions
• people being obsessed with drugs and alcohol
  
• loser poser people
• annoying people
• stupid fucks
• weed
• stress
• catching up 
• excuses
• people leaving
• dissapointment.

Oh and

• people that say they hate something just because everyone else likes it.
  

All That I Am You Have Made Me

I am just to stressed out to function.

water from a tap

Find something that makes you unique, something that you love and then use that to show the world who you are.

You're the captin and I am no one

Sometimes, in my excitement of getting and idea out in the world, I forget the order words should go in, or just words in general and those not so important details like letters.

If Someone Loved You, They'd Tell You By Now.

Tonight is going to be one of those late nights when I am doing homework until tomorrow has broken over the horizon. Tonight will be a night where I have to quietly sneak in hour upon our of last minuet touches, of dotting I's and crossing T's. Of craming and typing that will lead to an unwelcome break in my sleeping patterns. Needless to say, I am not pleased. I don't understand why so much work must be done in order to demonstrate to the teachers of our school that, "Look! I understand and I am smart and I am ready to be shot out into the real world!". Serisously, all it really shows is who has no life, or who is best at time mangement or who has the best stamina when it comes to the race between sleep deprivation and compleating a task. Fuck. Like who has time to study for a mid term, write a lengthy critique of a complicated short story, do response questions in french for all the visists to our little buddies, read over a hundred pages of a complex french novel, respond to question about a french tv show where they talk really fast, write response questions to another short story and do math homework for yet another unit that we are working on with the mid term and a seperate unit final fast approaching? Not to mention read ahead in chem. And then, (now here is the kicker) adults are mad because "young folk now adays" don't know about the details of world war one, or haven't read all the classics. Not that I wouldn't love to be able to do all these things and then have time to expand  my intellect, but when it comes down to it, I don't have time. And I am sure you will find this with a lot of kids now adays; if we don't need to know it then we probably wont learn it. Because who, after all that shit load of homework that we magically have to accomplish, want to put their mind through anymore hoops? And finally, have a life that inolves friends and extra activites. It is stupid how much is expected of us some days. Seriously, no wonder we are letting people down. I am all for setting high goals, but when they aren't even physical possibly, that is when you know you have set the bar to high.

What I need was never there anyway

I am happy. I am a happier person most days than I have been. I have found that although this year has been busier than ever, I have had homework sprouting questions at me in my sleep and have had many stresses this year,  I am happy. And I can't help but think it is simply because I am become better at knowing myself, improving myself and not worrying as much about others opinions of myself as my own opinion. Be yourself, we've had this message drilled into our heads since we were little, but really, it's not till you discover this life truth yourself that it actually retains value. Happiness, being happy, making others happy, is there really anything else that we can ask of life? This path that I am heading down, I am proud to say, makes me happy. There is not much that I would want to change about myself right now, and those things that I am not 100 % on, well I'm working on those. I have grown simply by learning exactly what, "be yourself" means. I know who I am now, more so than I did a year ago, and I bet I will know more about myself tomorrow than I did today. And knowing myself, what makes me tick, what ticks me off and where my flaws are, I am just furthing pogressing down that path that leads me to the place where I belong.

The count of boys that I am secretly inlove with currently stands at four.

I'm better near to you

I've got to much homework and not enough time.

Hardknock Catalog

This blog will be filled with swearing, whining and angst. For those who are thinking they should read it, I would adivise that you find something more productive to do with your time.

Some days, everything sucks. Even though actually everything dosen't suck, it feels like every dose suck. I really don't like the mood that theses days put me in. I'm in a mood right now, a bad mood. Mostly this is the stupid fucking microsoft word's fault. It is always retared and it makes me want to throw my computer against the wall. Fuck, I hate it. Thankfully I have sad songs and this blog to help me blow off some steam. I am really stressed today because of stupid school. There is so much work to do, and to many things that I want to do. Really all I have to do today is write a stupid french project that I won't even be here to present, but even though that, and studying for Chem is all I have to do today, it is making me crease my brow. I think that it also has to do with the fact that I was suposte to go bowling today for Kids Help Phone but I ditched because I had to much work, and now I feel like a bad person. I didn't even have the guts to call in to tell them that I couldn't go. I just sent off a stupid e-mail because I am whimp. I don't like letting people down, like it's what I hate the most. People also include myself, and anyone else I love, repect or feel a sense of duty towards. The Kids Help Phone people would call under the sense of duty catergory. I let them down because I was suposte to fundraise and bring a lot of people and at least show up. I failed in all aspects and now I feel really guilty. I hate being guitly. I must have a really difficult consience. I hate it sometimes. I wish sometimes that I could just be one of those people that don't really care about other's expectations. But the fact of the matter is, that is who I am. That aspects of my personality makes up a huge part of who I am and effects all of what I do. It's because I do my best to live up to my expectations and expectations of others that makes me such a hard worker. The negative effects of this part of my personalty come to light mainly to those who are closest to me. I get really stressed and moody when I feel that I haven't been able to do what I should have done. I take it out on everyone else around me and it really isn't fair. So to those people I really am sorry. Thankfully I have this stupid place to let go of all this built up stress without taking it out on other people. My favoire place to complain.

Baby, You're Not Alone

New little obessesion of mine; A Very Potter Musical. Serisouly, I am obessed. It's not good and I suspect that if you know me at all, you will be hearing about this some time soon. It is so good, and ridiciously funny. It makes me so happy. So I hope that I don't get to annoying, or push anyone's buttons with this new obessions. But, even though I hope it dosen't bother you, if it dose, I'm sorry, but I am not going to stop.
It's like that with me, if I like something and it happy then I don't see a point in giving it up just cause it might bother someone else. I try to take others in to concideration, but at the end of the day, I think that you would like me more when I am happy anyway.

Some How I Know He Is On His Way To Me

I need to learn how to achieve maximum quality with minimal time imput.
I've had enough of this going above and beyond.
It's going to kill me.

Death may come invisible

My genertaion disgusts me. When was the last time you hit the road to protest the destroying of our nature ressources, or stood up for the injustice found around ever corner. Majortiy of people would say that they never had. Volunteering is seen as a waste of time, not worth your time. We are all and only concered with oursevles. Drugs sex and money, shit, that is all everything is about. I can't be denided in my eyes. It's disgusting. You can hand me off your bull shit excuses, it is health, it helps deal with stress, it helps to make everything feel better and to that I say, bull shit. I used to think that I wish that I could have been part of that, been invited to the parties, been able to drink. Now, I know better. I have better things to do with people that can be fun without the need to smoke or drink. We all think that we know everything, that no one has made the mistakes that you are making now, and no one knows what we are going through right now, because how could they. It's all shit. I mean how many people think that they are actually lucky to be born in a developped democratic country, how many other people in the world care about what party they are going to that weekend, or when they are going to blaze up the next time? Ever take a moment to think about the kids that worry about how they are going to eat that weekend, or the ones that can't even fucking go to school because those in power say that they shouldn't be allowed to learn. God damn it and you think you have problems? You think that you have a hard life? Getting over yourself, god damn it. Slowly we are destroying the world one piece and at time, and who can atually say that they care.

Someone To Watch Over Me

Dear_______
You are the closest thing that I have ever know to love. I don't know what to think about you anymore or how to deal with someone that I am over.  Basically I need a lesson in life, I know. It's strange, even though I am pretty sure I am done with this all, I find myself wanting to talk with you every day, and wishing that I were actaully sending you this letter. Maybe it means that I am not over you yet. Maybe it means that I am just clinging to you, a life raft of sorts, to keep my heart afloat. It is about this time, in my contenplating of you that I beging to wonder, where do you stand in all of this. Can you make heads or tails of all my actions? I doubt it. If you can, please, help me out. I wish that I could know what you were thinking. The scrary, and prehaps annoying, fact is that, I bet if I asked, I would get a straight answer. Straight untill my mind begins to warp the response into all manner of meanings. There are so many secrets in this letter, its no wonder I am not sending it you.
This year, I can feel some self-motivated change within myself, and maybe, admist all that internal chaos, you were just one thing that I wasn't quite ready to give up on yet. Maybe I never will.

Partly yours in spirit

-r.

Music is in me everywhere I go

I don't even know who you are anymore. All I know is that it scares me to tell you the truth for what you might do. I can honestly say that ours is one of the worst relationships that I have with anyone I have ever met. You should be someone I trust and someone I love, not a person I am afraid of.

Thought's running

I have always believed in a higher power, no matter what obsticales are set infront of me. Before this man, I believed, I shall continue on through my life I hope. Simply, that sticks out to me a one profound moment of "divine intervention", angles, or fate- what have you. I don't question it very often and I don't push it on others, no matter what. So I hope that no one takes this the wrong way. The whole reason that I am writting this blog is so that maybe, if you are some person that I do not know but happends to stumble upon my humble train of thought, and needs to hear of a little miracle, needs a little bit of faith, a happy thought, hope or even someone to listen to my blog is here. It may not be much, but you never know how your actions can drastical alter a person. What I just want to say is miricales are found wherever you are, no matter how you classify your religion, or even if you don't have one. Life is good, and it dosen't take to much to find them. Watch for that smile from a stranger, or someone you know, a song on the radio that you love and haven't heard in what seems like forever. A hug, something as simple as that, can change a mood, a day or the world. My idea of religion is a walk, a setting sun, and my own coversation with what I believe is god. If we all just took the time to find what is good, what makes us happy and what life really means to each one of us, than maybe we can all find hope and peace.

Until someone loves you I will keep you safe

I'm in a really bad mood. When I get into a really bad mood, I stress about things. When I stress about things I get ever more upset and sooner or latter I just let it all out. Then things just spiral down to a fall. I really don't like it and I wish I knew how to better deal with it in order to be happy.

A quarter and a kiss is all it should be worth to you

It kinda disgust me to think how far you went in lying to me. You told me you hadn't, but you had. Serisously, I the reasons for I am still friends with you are becoming hard to conjure. But, as they say, Karma is a bitch and I am betting that you have had your serving of it in that regard in the least.
What really bugs me is not that you slept with him and lied about it, its the fact that to this day you stand with this holey-er than thou atittude about it all. The fact that you have the nevre to point your own dirty finger at those around you is shameful.
Really this is none of my business, but it is a fantastic view on your own soiled character. Bravo. Bravo.

Let's get rich

At the end of the day, I find that I know it will all just be okay
Everything is happy and right
Time to tuck in for the night

find the truth

There are people out there that I find, afer a while, just weren't worth the time getting to know. For it seamed that there for a while, you were good friends. Then gradually, if your friendship is no longer one of convience, they will just drop you off to the side. It may hardly even matter how good of friend's you were before. If it is no longer a convient thing for them, to stay friends with you, then they don't. Latter, when that convience reoccurs, weather it be in a moment without friends in the hallway, or a class then shared second semsister, they are your friend again. Then they ask what happened to your friendship, why you had never spoken before that moment and swear to be friends again. Only then to leave you at the drop of a hat when it no longer is of a benifit to them to be friends. I try, really I do to reastablish that connection but after a while, be it months or weeks, it is not longer worth the effort. It takes to much out of me. I don't really blame people for this type of reaction, for it is eveident to me that they no longer wish to be friends. But it is fake act of "you are a great person, I miss being friends with you! We should hang out soon!" that really buggs me. That makes me a bit of a hypocrite because I know that I have done that before. But it bothers me so much when I see this act repeated to my face time and time again. If you don't want to be my friend I would much rather you tell mee so I do not have to suffer from this delusion. Trully, I do miss you. I thought that we were tight and that we would be friends for a lot longer than we lasted. You found someone else and then cut me out. Really, I can hardly say that I care very much anymore. So aurevoir. Pretty much I have planned to tell you the next time you say, "Hay! We should hang out!" I am simply going to say Well, you know I have gotten the impression that you really don't want to. So thanks, bu bye

I've got two hearts to give away

I can't help but feel like this is the end, and it's a good feeling. The exhausted, content sigh after a long night and before head and pillow collide. I don't doubt that I will think of you. What I am hoping will spring from this is a sense of ease, a gradual decent from the wildness dreams. It was never good for me, what had happened. Stress hurt and pain all sprang from what I put myself through. To say that I blame you is a lie, I don't. Basically I just blame myself for following through for so long. But now, when I see what has happened, I can honestly say that I really don't care that much. I know that I will always harber some sort of connection to you, although be it unrequitted, it's something I think I know how to deal with. I just don't ever let go 100%, a little piece of me is left behind at evey turn. With that lost piece though comes learning, wisdom, (of what little may exist in me now) and hope. Weird really how in the end, this has given me hope. It has, and knowing that makes me smile. It might have be the forbiden fruit aspect that held such appeal for me, knowing that I would not get hurt. I have never really acknoweleged that before now. There is always something about expressing thoughts through visuel aides that helps me so much. That is why I love writting so much. Words hold a lot of power for me. So much so that I bet if I told you how I feel, how I believe I am finally moving on, I would never have to express these sentiments otherwise. I won't be doing that, for you would find me creepy and werid. I am beginning to feel the happiness of a new beginning and of hope begin to seap its way back into the corners of my mind.

How Can I Be Without Your Hate, It Give Me Piece Of Mind

This is not going to be a blog where I tell you what to do. I am not going to tell you to do something to get up off your ass and get something done with your life. Truthfully I would to do so, but it bothers me so much when someone dose that to me, I decied to stop. Especially if I don't know them, such as I don't know you. Unless I do know you, in which case the last statement didn't apply.
And here I go again on another this is what I want to say moment.
What I want to say is that I have set a goal for myself to spend less time wasting away infront of this stupid computer. There are so many better things for me to do out there. I am going to try and get out there more and more and really, right now, even though I am exhuasted feeling a little anti-social, that sounds really good.

I am not telling you do anything, but hay, if you can take one thing from this and then use that one thing to change something for the better in your life, then good.

A Child Made Of Glass

Some days it feels like the whole world is a spinning dime. On moment it is up, held upright by something stronger than itself. A dime supsended between finger and table. The next moment it is struck. The force pushes it into a spin, and it spins and spins and spins and spins, slowly loosing momentum until everything comes to a crashing hault. Today I have been spinning, I have been spun and I seam to have a world of thought spinning through around my head. It all twist and spins faster then slower and then flicked back into unrelenting motion.

All this sounds really pretty but it is not what I really want to say.
What I really want to say is that I am tired beyond belief and I don't even really know why. I am getting my self all stressed out over every little thing and I know I shouldn't. I want to say that I think I have overloaded myself this year with so many courses and activities but I don't want to admit this to my Mom. I don't want my mom to know because I want to prove to her that I can handle this even though I am douting myself right now.
What I want to say is that I am pathetic in how often I think about you. God damn it I don't even know how to put into words. I just want you to leave the city just so that I rest in pieces. And if not, I want you to look at me like no one else and hold me close. I want so much and I know that it will not happen. You are always on my mind and I can hardly figure out why. On top of it all I can't figure what you are thinking, not even the slightest hint. You always seam slightly dazed and I don't get it. I wish I could make this go away. I just want this to be over with so I can move the fuck on.

the seasons have chaged and so have we

I think that I just might be about ready to let go of you and move on, just maybe

New moon

Well this is going to be stupid, and I sujest if you don't like the whole Twilight stuff that you should just skipp over all this blog, but I am retardely excited for New Moon, to an extent that is hard to grasp. I cannot wait. Now I know that the plot line is horrible along with the acting and casting, and bascially eveything about it sucks, but that dosent mean that I hate it. In fact I love it. I love it so much that I just cannot explain. I know that it is horrible, I know better than most seeing as I read what I would consider some pretty good books. All the same, everytime I see the trailor, no matter how many times I have seen it before I squeel with delight. I can not wait. Plus the Jacob of the movies is one of the hotest things to walk plant earth. That helps some. Im stooked.

Blogg Junkie

Okay well this is going to be the second blog that I have posted in about an hour I believe, probably less time, but I felt it nesecariy. So because when I started this blog, I felt that it was going to be something that I wouldn't share with anyone. Then I let it out. So then a few people started to follow it. I then blocked them. I am sorry if that upsets some of you off, but really I just don't want that many people to be reading this. It might sound stupid but it's the way I planned it and the way I intend for it to go. So if I have let you keep following this blog it's because I trust you. I don't want to have to block everyone or anything or start a new blog just so that it can be private again, so please keep this quiet. Thanks.

lost forever if I never knew you

Well this is werid. I actually never expected to have any followers, infact I counted on not having any followers that I know. Now I have four. It's weird to say the least. I know this place to be a lot more private than, say, Facebook but I still find a little weird that people are following my written train of thought on the internet. I guess it is what should come to be expected. Oh well.
In this blog, I am pretty much say nearly everything I would say to my best friend, without the history to the story and with out the names. In a way, it almost turns such a responsive, bright, happy, smart best friend into something so static, so dead but so accessable, I can hardly rap my head around it. To those who are reading and following my blog, publicly or otherwise, I would just like to point out that this is me all laid out. Normally I am exhuasted, pissed off or confused when I write. I hold next to nothing back and don't expect any abnormal attention for all my whining. For that is what the majority of this is, a place for me to whine. I am not about to appologize or ask for any sort of reaction, I just want this laid out for everyone to know.

We've got a long way to go.

Life is brief, but when it's gone, love goes on and on

Endless diamond sky

I love disney movies so much, I believe that you can learn everything in life that is important from a diseny movie. They've taught us such important lessons of true love, of respect, truth, faith, the importance of dreams, how looks, money, race and class can mean so little in the face of love, the power of magic and wishes. I love all Disney movies for all that they have taught me, and I still watch them to this day. I think one of the reason so many people I know still love and willing admit to watching Disney movies is because we loose so much of our innocence at such a young age, it gives us something to hold onto. A part of our past that was whole and pure, untouched by the distaster that taint it to this day.
I believe Walt Disney must have been a brillante man, full of compassion, love, caring and creative brillance. I beleive those that try to tarnish his brillance by slandering his name with sujestions of racsim and crudness should be ashamed. Walt Disney gave to this world one of the greatness contibutions that any man has to humanity. It may no have advanced our understanding of the universe or inventived the atomic bomb, but he did something far more. He ensured the advancement of love into every heart, home, society part our parents that see view, understand and accpet the concepts he potrays in all his films. They give us hope, love, understaning, acceptance and something to wish for. I hope with all my being that these pieces of magic are preserved for every child to enjoy and learn from. I know myself and my childern will watch these movies for years to come.

Be still my love

Make it go away

My chance of being open was broken
And now you're Mrs. him.

The heat is on

The more that I take all these personality test, the more I realize that there is no real test that can identify who I really am. The one that I took, that classified me as an INFJ was terrible accurate in certain aspects of my personality. I am conscientious and value-driven. I seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and myself. I do my best to take all the information that I have to creat a clear image of what I am dealing with, in order to make the best decisions possible. I am a quiet, private individuals who prefers to exercise their influence behind the scenes. I am very independant, but I am also really interesed in the well-being of others all around the world. I do concider myself a activist for the down trodden of the world, and I hope to uphold that trait for the rest of my life. Infact, I hope to take that into my future career. I am a sensitive and complex individual, who is adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner. I believe that I have a very rich inner life. I am thinking of something almost all the time and enjoy hours to reflect on life and it's mysteries. There are times when I do not like to share much of what I think with others, and that may therefore be seen as reluctances to share with others. I also believe that I am well liked by my peers. I am guarded in expressing my deepest feelings with those that I do not know very well. I have difficulty trusting people in gerneral, especially people that I do not know very well. I am not a person to make a new friend in a matter of moments but would rather scope out the people I know and decided who I believe I would be best suited to be friends with. Being sentitive as I am, I have a tendancy to be easily hurt although I may not express this to anyone outside my closest group of friends. When I get hurt, scared or jealous emotionaly I tend to throw up a wall. I will relatate against this strike to my pride with anger that dose not easily fade. Whenever, or if ever I chose to tell someone some of my deeper thoughts or feelings, I will almost always feel stupid and vulnerable in doing so.
I blelieve I tend to be a sensitive, quiet leader with a great depth of personality. I am intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to myself. I spend a lot of time in self-reflection or thought. I have an orderly view toward the world, but I am internally arranged in a complex way that it seams only I, and those extreamly close to me understand. Abstract in communicating, I live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, I tend to be creative and easily inspired.
That is the part of the personality test that had me pegged down quite well. But I don't really think that each and every person can fit into a category perfectly. There may be one sort of personality that resembles them the most, but that dosen't mean it is always a perfect fit. I am the same way.
One of the personality traits that (INFJ) missed in me, is how argumentative I am. I can be terrible rude about it, and argue all the time. Aswell I have an almost obsessive personality, especailly when it comes to things. I obsesse over songs, movies, books, t.v. shows and almost anything else that I can think of. I don't mean to, but there are somethings that I can not help but love. I will listen to songs over and over again, read books 10 times or more and so many other weird things. I love to pick at things, weather it be over something that is bugging me or at a cut and everything inbetween. I am vaine, terrible vaine. I love to look at myself in the mirror. It may be a bad thing but somedays I just really love to see that I am still looking pretty.
One of my worst habbits is making a bad habbit of boys. For me, it seams that there always has to be some boy for me to think about, even if I know that he dosen't like me that way, or that it will never work out. I make a bad habbit of liking a boy for months at a time, and I never seam to get over that one guy until I find a new one. When I fall, I fall hard and for a long time. Boys are a hard habbit for me to break. In the same aspect of boys, I really like being liked by them, even if I don't want to date the guy. It is terrible horrible but it boost my confidence. Some days I have really low confidence, others, I think that I can strut the cat walk (knowing that I never can). I really want to fall in love, even if that means that I will eventually get my heart broken. I want to travel the world and I want to learn all that I can about everything that I can. I hate it when some one is a hypocrite and lies drive me mad.
That is me, in a nut shell.

Who who who

Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1% of the total population. These are serious students and workers who really want to contribute. They are private and easily hurt. They make good spouses, but tend to be physically reserved. People often think they are psychic. They make good therapists, general practitioners, ministers, and so on.

INFJs are conscientious and value-driven. They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Using their intuitive skills, they develop a clear vision, which they then execute decisively to better the lives of others. Like their INTJ counterparts, INFJs regard problems as opportunities to design and implement creative solutions.

INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.

INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits," rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset.

INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they could understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired. Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition.

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

What you'll find

Fav qoutes
"I'm not Fred he is. Honesty and you call yourself our Mother. Just kidding I am Fred!"-Fred Wesley
"Sunshine, daisies, bottem mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow"-Ronald Wesley
"What an idiot."-Hermonie Granger
"You're a little scary some times. Brillante, but scary. " -Ronald Wesley
"As for me, I'll be a knight"-Ronald Wesely
"Books and cleverness, there are more important things" -Hermonie Granger
"COME HERE POTTER, NOOW!" - Professor Quirl
"What happend down in the dungen between you and Professor Quirl is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows"- Professor Dumbledor
"That was one of my more brillante ideas and between you and me, that's saying something" - Professor Dumbledor
"I'm not going home, not really"-Harry Potter

Dear bright shinning stars

some angsty whiney shit

If the children don’t grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.

People are so hard to figure out. How can you tell if someone is mad at you, upset over something that is completely unrelated to you, annoyed with you, or with something else entirely. I constantly ponder what other people are thinking, wondering if it is me that is causing them to be moody or distant or something else. Nowadays, people don't normally express there feelings out to the world for fear of being jugged or hurt or vulnerable or what have you, but it would make for a lot easier of a world if they did. That way, we could all know what is going on. But then I understand why we don't, why I dont. When you share something so personal to yourself, pretaining to who you are and what makes you who you are, you give someone a little bit of power over yourself, a sight into your soul. They can then do whatever they want with the piece of you, including destorying it.
Personally I can't decided weather or not to be a person that holds in what they think or what they are feeling, or one that shares with all the world what is on their mind. I think that once you start sharing everything out there, with the world and with all your friends, you start to loose yourself a little. There is no filter between your soul, so to speak, and the rest of the world, letting it all kinda float all over the place. But maybe that is not the case at all. Maybe in sharing with other people, you are making yourself stronger by trusting in others. Prehaps, like a lot of things in the world, it has to do with balence appose to chosing one or the other, balence between the two extreams. I still haven't decided.

one thirteen

I am not really sure what I am doing, or what this is going to turn into.
For the most part this is kind of just a test run, to see what my blog is going to look like, and how it all plays out. I am excited to see what it turns into. I have a feeling that it will fall along the line of a place where I will say what I feel, when I feel like it and not worry about consequences. If I can help it, no one will know about this blog, or feel a need to read it. It will just be my way to plant my own flag in the internet world and claim this for my own. Something so selfish that it is just for me.