someone come and someone come and save my life

 

I'm sorry. Because today my desire to be alone, the void that it filled in my chest far outweighed anything else in my life. Good music, a clean room, good books. That's the dosage for today's problems. 

 

So it's the end of the holidays, the end of Christmas. And I always get just a little bit depressed on this day. I used to take stock of all gifts when I was little, organize them, play with them and then put them all away to where they will now belong. But these days, it just seams greedy and selfish. So I kinda wallow instead. Hardly improvement. 

But I found my Christmas spirit, the one that I was missing. When I just pushed myself that much harder, I remembered what made this holiday special. The lights, the songs, great food, presents and family time. The Canmore Christmas was dysfunctional as ever. But when I got back to Calgary, everyone gathered in front of the dinner table, and then the TV, something just feels so special.  It's like I was born into high society or something. Where I get to be special simply of which family I happened to be born into. Everyone watching modern family while we laugh and dance around the living room. It's just one other special Christmas memory.

I had a good Christmas morning, Christmas texts.

I'm tired. And I feel bad because I ditched a Nixon family get together because I was tired. And I am watching the Vampire Diaries. I decided if I was going to be any of the characters, I would want to be Caroline. Even if she is really annoying. Because she lives the best life so far. And grows up a lot over the past few seasons. 

The heart is a mysterious thing. Twisting tangled roots up the aorta, distorting the order of the brain. And the scares that remain leave lasting scares.

It's a fickle thing.

and now i'm not the only one

it's nine o'clock, and I am ready to go to bed. i'm just waiting now, for what i don't really know, or don't want to admit. more or less it's just me waiting for the exhaustion to beat out the draw of the internet. whatever it is, i can't really beat it. i just have to wait it out, wait for exhaustion to raise the final blow and for aggravation, it's faithful sidekick, to angrily shut the lid of my computer and shove it into the corner. and there it will sit, just waiting for tomorrow where it will consume another inexplicably long amount of my day. but tomorrow is christmas eve, and i have been asked to vacuum, so maybe i wont waste too much time.

i feel like i am missing a hole in me. where christmas normally goes. it just feels hollow. i don't think it's because i am depressed or anything, just stressed. and bored. Canmore is pretty boring. and the threat of university looms just out of sight. i've applied to UofC so I feel a touch better about that. but not really. the ghost of me is excited for christmas, but it cannot not possess the rest of me to feel the same. only for fleeting moments.

i think that it will be better when i am with my family, my mom's side of the family. the ones that i really don't get to see very often. because when we are all gathered around the table, everyone talking over each other, laughing joking and celebrating, that is when christmas normally hits me.

i read a quote that said for each person, there is only one christmas, and all others are simply trying to re-live that memory. something along those lines. at first, i didn't really like this quote, but now i am beginning to wonder if it is true. but i haven't had just one good christmas, i've had many. so, again, that leads me to believe that this quoted individual is wrong.

maybe it's just because i am tired. or because i am so worried about my brother. or school. stupid school. i wish i was one of those people that could get everything that they needed to get done, right away. the ones that don't procrastinate. or the ones that don't let their procrastination get to them. but i am neither of these people. the worst part of it is that i know that i can be the the one that gets everything done, if i just continually kick my own ass into doing it. but every time that i try these days, it just stresses me out all the more. so i stop and try to relax some more. 

i need a longer break, where i can do whatever i want to do, without having to be around any people so that i can get back to me, if only for a little while. but i am busy. and there are things that need to be accomplished. so that's not an option. or at least not an option that i can live the consequences.

thank goodness for music, books and tea. if it were not for these things i am sure that i would have no idea how to relax. how to find my escape. to disconnect.

i am excited, in some ways for christmas. but i also feel guilt. guilt that i am being to greedy, have become to materialistic and i don't like that. not one little bit.

this is a gray blog. the color of heavy rain clouds. i'm sorry that you folks, filled with christmas cheer have to endure this.

odd thing is, this color that this blog admits happens to be my favorite color.
and at the end of all these words that have run through my veins, i feel a little better about everything.

This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

Books invoke a lot of emotion in me. I live in many pages.

This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

I'm worried, about invoking emotion in the wrong individuals. Of turning into someone that I have criticized readily. But except in my case, I know what I would do different. I'm worried that I am disturbing that sleeping dog within me. Invoking undesired and unrequited emotions of my own. I'm becoming my own expert at the fall.

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

I'm pissed that my computer is about to die. And that the key board is being all fucked up.

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight

I'm tired from busy days lately.

This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
Love is to be made

I'm excited for Christmas.

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can

come on friends get up now, you're not alone at all

This has been a good day. I know it, although I don't really feel it right now. I think it's because I am over exhausted and feeling really broke after my third day of Christmas shopping. It's like an infectious disease of the wallet. And then I have no more money and I don't like that.

It's just money I guess. That's why I have a job. I think that I will feel better about it when I give out my presents tomorrow. I love giving presents. And giving cards and stuff. I have been thinking about money a lot lately. Money to go to Turkey, to go to Africa, to go to Vienna. Oh I wish I could do it all. But I don't think I can. Money for university. Someone that's still mangling to sneak up on me. But it's not as scary as it used to be.

I missed hanging out with my Bff. It was a good day, if just for that. It is unbelievably easy hanging out with someone like that. Conversation is never forced, I never feel the need to talk if I don't want to and I rarely have to worry about being misunderstood. The only problem is when I then go to hang out with other people, I am immediately confused when they can't fill in my blanks, or they don't laugh at my jokes or don't interrupt me mid sentence. This best friend relationship did a poor job of preparing me for relationships with others in this world.  Oh well. Because honestly, I love it. I love that I never ever have to worry about holding back, about forcing conversation, about being understood or talking to much. Because I do have a tendency of talking to much. And with some people, they listen to all of it. And then I end up looking like a selfish bitch cause I only talk about me. I think it's just because I am used to our friendship, like I said before. I'm not all to prepared for friendships with different kinds of people than you. But you don't let me only monopolize the conversation and I love it. You make it so easy and I love you for that.

I think someone should document the different types of BFF relationships out there. I am so excited for our sleepover. H.E.R<3

Your piano boy is a hottie. And I hope that your gifts work out well. Thanks for today

Today was good for other reasons as well. For cotton ball snow that falls on such a beautiful setting, for Christmas songs, for wrapping presents, for the last day of classes for finishing off a large part of my Christmas shopping, for getting to school late and for Turkey fest. Tomorrow.

I love the holiday. I love it with every sub atomic particle in my body. I love the music, the snow, the hot drinks, good food, beautiful Christmas trees, the presents, wrapping paper, the no stress situation and most of all for family. I love them all and I am so happy that we will be back together under one roof. I love my family.


Parts of me are behaving weirdly. Getting vindictive and crafty.

∆

It's strange how a really short conversation with one person can honestly just carry you through your day. Maybe I just needed a pick me up. Because when I was in art, Becca said that it seamed like I was in a bad mood. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I was in a bad mood. I was sullen and quiet. And I didn't really want to do anything. Then my day got better, and better and better. I spoke to that boy, I went to work got myself a worthy tip, no matter how small, came home where I got to hang out with one of my favorite people in all the world, my sister and then I got to watch my favorite show. Twice. And although it seams like Friday and I know that it is Thursday, I am not going to let this bring me down, because the good aspects of my day have been too good.

petition to stop school

Homework, you are not attractive. I have no plans on doing you. Good day.

but difficult is not impossible

I know a girl with a lion heart. She is very many things. She has a knack with a pencil, she loves sea turtles, chai tea, Harry Potter and musicals. She is a very good speller, a fantastic dancer, and lives life to the ends of the horizon. I love her very much. She has a way of making me feel better no matter what is going on. She can make me laugh in almost any situation and I have found a lot of myself in her this past year. She offers no apologizes for who she is, and I respect her so much for it. She is a beautiful girl, on each plane of her life.

She might find this blog a little weird because I am so tired.

I love you so much and I know that there is nothing that I can do right now. I wish I could. I can't relate, because I've never been through this. I can't change anything or do anything so I feel mighty helpless. But I will always and forever been here for you. Two in the morning or two in the afternoon. As a crying solider or much needed distraction. And I don't ever want you to forget that. So as bleak as I assume you must feel right now, the only advice that I can really offer that has got me through some of my darkest days is that;

• the world will keep spinning
• things do get better with time
• your bed will always, always be there for you
• and you have an army of friends just a phone call away. 

I love you both. 

it's something that effortless and shouldn't be hard

Such a long day

let life play the guitar strings

Hannah's blog got me thinking, of where I was a year ago. So I went back 364 days, give or take, and took a look at what I had posted November of last year. And what I found was that I was really hung up on a certain individual. So much so that it defined a large part of who I was. The thing is, that this last few months, I found a stepping stone to move on. And I find that I'm not that girl anymore. And it's not particularly because I had a moment of crystallization where I realized what a rut I was in. I had know that, and been trying to change it for a long time. But somewhere else along the line,  I was thrown a rope. And I didn't really look back from that point.

So even though it's looking pretty bleak right now, like this is going to turn into nothing else but a sad excuse for a story of a fling, I appreciate it in a sullen, gloomy sorta way. Because I don't want to be that girl. And any excuse to escape the net that my heart entangles me in is a good one. I know that some will say that I shouldn't give up, but the thing is that I am tired of being the one doing the chasing. So I'm giving up for now. I'll be back in the game sooner or later.

A year ago, I found a lot of myself. And those realizations have stuck with me, but were broken and then pieced together by the harsh realities of the world. They have helped me discover a girl that cares a lot less of what people think of her, that is pushing her own limits and testing all sorts of water. In turn, that has turned me into a bit more of a bitch. But I think this is who I always was, it's just when I was nicer, I was more afraid. I didn't speak my mind as often because I didn't want to offend people, I wanted to be liked by all. I got over that, and now I am a truer version of myself I think. So I can't really regret who I have become when I have stepped more into myself. At least that's how I feel it.

Last years Rachel was facing more angst that this one I think. But that's all a part of growing up. She didn't want to be like by everyone, but was still up for pleasing as many people as possible. And the problem with that is that you end up forgetting what you yourself want. And I kinda see that as weak, letting what others desire of you dictate your life. For me at least, it was about time that I decided for myself.

Maybe it's just my mood today, maybe it's the early setting sun, but I feel like a darker person. Less optimistic. That's one thing scares me about how I have grown in this last year. I am too young to be without hope. But I feel like a 65 year old politician that has just realized that really, no matter what you do, you can't change the world, or stop the genocides, the greed or the cruelty of humanity. I hope it's just me today.

I made a good friend in the past few months, one that last year, I never would have seen coming. And honestly, it's really good. Because he is someone that I know doesn't have that many close friends that are girls, so I feel special in a dumb way. Like being let into some exclusive club. And it branches into me having friends of the male variety. Which, although I didn't really notice at the time, I had been severely missing.

And then there is debate. And as much as other people think it's dumb, I can't help realize how much I love it this year. How debate people are some of my favorites in the world. Last year me wasn't really into debate like I am now. I can honestly say that I love it. And joining debate was one of the best decisions that I made during my high school career. It has brought me to some of my closest friends, to the craziest stories and most eye opening experiences of my life.

I have worked myself a comfortable little niche in high school. So the prospect of going to university is something that does scare me. And being someone that loves change, I find that confusing. That leaves me sitting here, with a knot of stress in her chest, locked in this strange place in her life where she really doesn't know what to do.

so much has changed here, so much has not

all of these moments will be lost in time, like tears.

I had some more thoughts, confessions, things you didn't know, so I am going to make a new blog.

I don't really like the Beatles

I love Harry Potter more than I can possibly say

I have a tenancy to be very stubborn about stupid things because I'm scared. Like (not) talking to the guy that I like.

I play my music really loud because I feel like when there is music playing I have no need to talk.

I feel like I have become more of a bitch in the last few years. But that came with figuring out who I really am. So I am okay with it.

I really love Vampire Diaries

I kinda wish that I was the one to be chased for once. 

I really love nicknames

I get really excited about relationships. They don't even have to be my own.

I hate disappointing other people. More than anything else

I cry a lot. It is because I'm an emotional person.

I get really good at procrastination when I want to be. And then things get bad. And I get stressed.

I'm bad at putting myself in a place where I can get hurt.

and you?

Some things you probably didn't know about me. But now you do

I don't really like flowers. A lot of them just remind me of the reproductive functions of nature. And I find kinda gross. I like how they smell, and I love their colors. But for the most part, I don't really like them. The only exception to this is sweet peas. I love sweet peas.

I used to suck my thumb and still have my stuffy form when I was a baby. She is always in my bed.

I can rarely criticize something until I have heard the criticisms of someone else. Then I can decide if I agree or not. But otherwise, I will probably just like it.

I don't watch a lot of tv or movies, and that makes me sad. I spend a lot of my time in front of my computer and I am worried that it will give me cancer one day.

I find after I really get to know someone, I can't really classify them as attractive or not.

I am proud of my ability to lie convincingly.

I hate being ignored, and it makes me do stupid things.

Sometimes it hurts my feelings when someone doesn't like the same stuff that I do. I know it's stupid, so I try to keep things like that to myself.

It really annoys me when my Facebook wall extends so that there are a lot of posts on my wall. I don't want people to think that I am on Facebook all the time. Even though I am. I care to much about what people think to much, even when I don't like them at all.

I forget quite frequently that people don't have the same thought process as me. And it's a serious issue. Because something that I would do, or say, from my mind, is really cruel, or indicative of how I feel towards that person. But coming from someone else, it carries a completely different meaning. Or no meaning at all.

When I was in the sixth grade,  my best friend, (who was a boy) told me that he was in love with me. In that year, two other of my closest male friends told me the same thing. It freaked me out so much that I developed and irrational fear that every boy I became friends with would like me. It was the dumbest thing but it honestly losing those strong friendships was hard. So I stopped having male friends for a while. I've done a lot better this year at having friends that are boys. I am really proud about it all.

The only way that I know how to get over someone is to find another person to fall for. And this worries me. Because I feel like it's unhealthy.

I feel like I have a personality that gets addicted to things really easy. Such as the internet, other people, caffeine, ect.

I'm worried that I'm losing my humanity, becoming numb to the atrocities of the world.  

I love holding hands. So much.

I love being trusted

I have never feel so lost. Not knowing what I am doing next year, it scares me.

happiness hit her like a train on a track

This blog has really taken a long time for me to produce, because I have been thinking of the words necessary to describe my trip basically since I arrived back home. But the thing is, words wont fit. So I am sorry to all of those closest to me, you will have to deal with my glum mood for a few days while I get over the fact that I am home. And it's not that I didn't miss all of you, because I really did. It's just that I feel like I may have taken for granted all the time that I spent in Germany. And it was a trip of a lifetime. And in it's own right, and own domain, it was some of the best culmination of days in all my life so far. So I miss the beautiful boys, the good food, the yogurt, my German family, not being able to speak the language, the rape dark, learning German words, befriending as many teams as possible and bonding with my team.  I miss it.
In an odd way, I am glad that I feel this sad, because that means that I really enjoyed myself, that I didn't take it for granted and that I will have the joy of one day returning to that beautiful country and all people that I have grown to love in such a short time.

things are going well.

 

No one has blogged in November yet.

I don't like feeling vulnerable. I think it's my number one problem. Cause when I do, that's when I start to get defensive, quick tempered, scared and angry at myself for making the decision that lead to such an uncomfortable place. But I'm working on it, because I have been finding lately, that some people, honestly, are worth it. And they make it so much better once you do open yourself up. The act of sharing itself is so cleansing and therapeutic that most of the time, I don't need consolation, or advice. Just an open ear canal. And I am finding that people are worth the risk, the fear and anticipation that comes with projecting your innards to the world. I want this to go somewhere and I really honestly hope that it does. I'll just have to deal with the scared part of me that wants to drop everything and run at the moment. Put her out in the rain for a while to calm down. 

I like holding hands, to an insane degree. I like change. I like coffee with old friends. I like good conversations with good silences. I like boys. I like teachers that are understanding. I like talking. I like traveling. I like backpacks. I like zippers. I like the color red. I like bus trips. I like B.C. I like sleep. I like team bonding and new friendships. I like West Point Grey. I like the sun. I like the fall. I like debate. I like people.

I like where this is going.

Under the Sea

Yeah, I was uncomfortable, but it was well worth it.
I had an awesome trip, and I am so exhausted right now that I think I might need to take a four hour cat nap just to ensure that I don't pass out from exhaustion. Words escape me now, leaving only the slow boring ones for me to catch and put to my use, but I had so much fun. I made friends and fortified friendships. I didn't do as well as I had hoped, but I think that the reasons behind were legit. I tried hard. I did a good job, by my own standards and competed with some of the best in Canada. Now I have Germany before me, and to say I am excited is an insult to the anticipation I am feeling. Just four days to get through. Just four days. Lets hope I can make it.

you don't care a bit

I don't like you telling me what I can and cannot do. I will live with whatever consequences come attached to my decisions and take responsibility for my actions. But I am not going to live a small life by picking the easy way out simply because that's what you would do. That has never been my way, and never will be. Don't tell me what I can't do.

you know not my story

Some days I let the music speak for me. Because the words, they leave, and I am left with an insufficient quantity to get me through a day. And I do not know when they will return. So I try my best not to use what few words are left in me.

it is you I have loved

Tyler Clementi

He was a 19 year old student at Rutgers University.
After his college roommate tweeted “roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into Molly’s room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay.”, he lived-streamed Tyler having sexual relations with his boyfriend.Tyler threw himself off a bridge after finding out.

Raymond Chase

He was a 19 year old student at Johnson & Wales University in Rhode Island.
He hung himself in his dorm room.

“Raymond Chase was a person who liked Harry Potter and Rugrats and was a member of the popular facebook group “I cant spell “bananas” without singing hollaback girl.” (source)

Seth Walsh

Seth Walsh was a thirteen year old middle school student.
He was bullied to the point that he could not bear to live.

“He spent a lot of his life frightened.” It was in person, through the internet, through phonecalls. His peers were relentless. He was perpetually picked on for his mannerisms and his style of dressing, even before he came out as gay.
His mother found him hanging from a tree in their backyard. He spent over a week lingering on life support before he died.

Asher Brown

He was a 13-year-old eighth grader at Hamilton Middle School outside Houston His family says that he was “bullied to death”.

”Asher was tormented for being small. For his religious beliefs. For the way he dressed. And for being gay. His bullies acted out mock gay sex acts in phys ed class.”His parents repeatedly contacted school officials on his bullying. Nothing was ever done.
He shot himself in the head.

Billy Lucas

He was a 15-year-old freshman at Greensburg High School in Indiana.
“Everyone made fun of him.” Like Asher, his school administration knew but did nothing.
A friend says the bullies would call Billy “gay and tell him to go kill himself.” Homophobic hate messages have been left on his facebook memorial page.

They all died. 

it's just to heavy for Superman to lift

I deleted my last blog. Not because I regret saying what I did, or believe it any less that I did a few hours ago. I just wanted to post another blog, a very honest and candid one, and I felt embarrassed to be posting so many blogs in a 24 hour period. Scoff if you will. It's how I felt.

I think in colors often, and if this blog was a color, it would be raw umber, because it's going to be very honest and candid. Please refrain from using the word angst in describing it, not because I believe that I am angst free or above angst at all. I am a teenager, I am built for angst. At least this is what a very trusted source tells me. But it's just that I have a very negative feel, color whathaveyou attached to angst, and these are my thoughts and feelings for the moment, and I don't want them to be written off, or thought of as wrong because you label them with angst. 

I think that we are all headed to darker clouds. Maybe it's because it's fall, and no longer charming. Maybe it's because the days are getting shorter. More likely than anything, it's because it's grade twelve and things are happening to fast. That's what it's like for me anyway.

I know it's not what you meant at all, but I am sorry that I am a bad listener some days. I add the some days because I do believe it's only some days. The days when I see my own dark clouds and think that I am the only one facing a down pour. Then I crash inwards and think only of paint strokes, scholarships, rotting teeth and my other problems. Other days I am better. You honestly are the one person I can and will tell everything to. I have a hard time doing it, but it always makes me feel better, just sharing. And it seams that the more I share those dark cornered thoughts with you, the easier it gets. Never feel useless. You are so many things, bubbly, loved, charming, gorgeous, smart, kind, loving, talented, stylish, quirky, but useless and whiny never make that list.  Please never imagine just because I have a tendancy to get lost in the fog of my own mind that I don't for one second want to hear exactly who or what pissed you the fuck off in the day, or made you want to throw up the white flag of surrender.

And I take you for granted. You are the best friend anyone could ask for. 

When I read your blog, I can honestly say I saw my own worries and thoughts mirrored in your words. And it makes me glad to know that relating to each others problems is never a big deal.

But as for the other 2/4, your problems are something that I have never encountered before. I see you  both sad, and I want so badly to help, I just don't know how. I don't know what to say. I love you both so very much, and I feel helpless.

And the fact that I can't relate not only makes me feel helpless, but sad. Because I've never had a boyfriend. And it's very whiny pre-teen drama of me, but I feel slightly unloved due to the fact. It's not that I have low self esteam, or think that no one will ever love me, I just wish that that someone would come along soon. Or that there would have already have been someone by now. Instead, there is me, pining after a boy who either doesn't know or doesn't care. And here I sit with a million excuses why I should refrain from saying anything. And I hate excuses.

All I know is that my day can simply be made by talking to you, that you can rarely carry a conversation, that your eyes are very pretty and that I fear sometimes that the only reason you sign off on FB chat is because I come on, (which is silly I know). A tumult of stupid, confusing, sad, and exciting emotions are connected to you.

So then I decide that I am going to move on. But I don't know how so I don't know what to do and I end up feeling the same way I have for a very long time. 

I feel like I am out growing some people. A theme of the story that is this week. And it, like things do today, makes me sad. 

I need to run more, sleep more, work harder, paint more, get the scholarship, the right color, decide my future all while being happy. It's hard. It's like there is a pyramide, where you think if you just get to the next section, tire, if you will, that if you just get this one thing, life will be good. But then you get there, and there are new problems that come with that thing that you wanted. And those problems exists, no matter what you achieve or luck into. And I know this. I've seen this, and experienced it. But yet, somehow I still find myself thinking, "If I just had... everything will be just a little bit better." I just don't know. I wish I knew how to live with very little stress. People say that it's easy, all you need to do is let it go. But the thing about those people is that they don't know me. And where it may be easy for them to just relax and forget all those things that tangled and muddle their minds, I was not build that way. I live with it in me, and I know how to control it on the best of days, but it lives in me. And on the darker days, the restraining walls break down. 

I feel like everything is happening at a regular pace, but I've slowed down. Refused to move on. Rejected the decisions that need to be made. A Luddite of choices. That I am letting myself down by not doing what needs to be done, applying to schools, getting the grades, working harder, avoiding all the responsibilities that are building up like saturated fats in an artery. And I'm going to have that heart attack very very soon here. 

I think I'm getting meaner, colder and more self-involved and the loss of passion in my soul scares me. 

word came through in a letter

I suck at life this last few days. Fuck. I hate it because it isn't like me, but I keep forgetting and dropping the ball. And then that ball breaks my god damn foot. I hate letting people down, I hate it. A crushing fog fills my chest and collapses it from within. And then I have a frowny face. What is wrong with me? Add mass procrastination and I just feel awesome.

I feel a little bit like a failure. 

I wish my iTunes would understand my mood. It does not get it.

I think I need more excitement in my life. More stories to tell. More people to meet.

he's the air I would kill to breathe.

This blog started out happy, a few hours ago when I left it sitting in the edit box. But it shall not turn out that way.

The day was sunny. I bathed in warmth, left school early, played footsie in social (a little), found another sad song, painted, shed a few tears for Harry Potter, lamented, talked, walked places, braided my hair, felt very unproductive and accomplished not all that I wanted to.

I don't know. I had a lot of fun at my debate tournament. Again, I cried. Not for a literary hero, but for hyperinflation of emotion. But I also stumbled over some unwanted truths. They pinch at my hopeless romantic nature. Some of the boys there, how they treat the girls in their life scares me, because I can't understand it and I would hate to be at the end of it. Me, the one who falls so hard, that amnesia seams to set in and no memories are left. And there I sit. Fallen, dazed and confused. With little else to do.
Don't you just love the angst.

Angst; A feeling of acute but vague anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression, especially philosophical anxiety; More commonly, painful sadness or emotional turmoil, as teen angst; To suffer angst; to fret

So yes, that would quite adequately be define as angst. Sorry.


More words exist somewhere, between by brain and my fingers but I feel like the connecting cables have been broken by the hollow in my back. I want to say that I get tired of people some times, that my tolerance for them depletes with increase exposure. How, despite that fact, my best friend is always is someone that I am pretty sure I could never spend enough time with. How it kinda upsets me that my Dad and step-Mom are texting my sister and not me even if I have given them a few reasons to do so. How I am worried about my extreme mood fluctuations. About my fear for those who's walls are built up so high that even those they love cannot break through. About how there is a difference between the person I thought I was and the person I am. How this is something I realized this year and it was a hard one to accept. About how I am not going to be here for Halloween for the second year in a row, about how little I want to do homework, and how little work appeals to me for tomorrow.

All these things are giving me a headache and yet I can't find the words.

keep calm and carry on

I have this odd sense when it comes to the school year, how it is progressing, the idea of scholarships, universities and life after high school. And for the longest time I couldn't figure out what about the whole thing was so off for me. So I thought, and pondered and all other sort of seemingly deep words that really mean nothing.

And I decided it's like I'm reading a book. A really good book. One that keeps me up until absolutely retarded hours of the morning just so that I don't have to put it down. And it is all going quite well until the very end. It is at this point, where the story reaches its peak, and the denouement must come into play, that it takes a completely unexpected, unheeded, what the fuck, kinda turn. It concludes in a way that has so little to do with the rest of the plot line up until that point, that you are left frowning slightly as you turn deeper and deeper into the end. But you can't put it down, or change the ending or call into the author and complain because you are enthralled, confused and perhaps hopeful. So you continue on, until the story reaches its ends and you are left utterly and entirely confused. This is exactly how I feel. So I am really not freaking out, or scared (like I tell people I am) or excited. It's kinda like I am numb or really good at accepting that this is what I have to do and have no problems dealing with it or it hasn't hit me yet. Probably that last one more than anything.

it's all I have

I bare a welcome to the new day. It has been preceded by a very good fourteen hours. I got up at ten o''clock you see. It's now one hour into the day. Despite the lack of progress I made in the list of things that I have to, and the non presence of one, feisty, beautiful, loving best friend at a movie, it was a very good day. I love the warm fall, the Tony Roma's crew, good movies, bad food, good books, loving families, good music, car conversations, lists, new coats, new clothes, texts, best friends and sleep.

I hope this is moving onto something substantial. I hope I hope I hope. 

sleepy

I got up really early today. So early that I just typed, justed and tomorrow instead of today. Yes I could easily pass out anywhere comfortable. It's raining in Canmore, and the fog has been painted on so thick, I cannot see the mountains hidden behind. To add a little cherry of sorts, I am sickly. Not miserable though, just worn and thinned out, like a weak patronus. As well, I am hungry, and craving some bad food. What I think the plan might be for today is to get myself dressed, grab an umbrella, and head down to the corner store. Buy some chocolate. Then get my worn out self back to Calgary.

the songs that tie our souls

My toes are cold, I am poorly dresses for the Canmore cold of my stupid bedroom, and mal equipped to write anything of interest or relevance. Today, I don't really know how to feel. No I do, only in pieces though. I am terrible unhappy that I am not in Calgary, that I cannot make applesauce this weekend, that I left my art at home and that the people I want to hang out with are quite busy. Allison and I went to an estate sale and hung out for hours, and nothing could have made me happier. My sister fucked up some plans involving both sets of parents that is going to be a problem very soon. And I don't want to deal with that at all. In pieces I understand my day.

But all together, maybe it was just to much. I don't know why. I feel like talking to people right now, but no one's here.

I honestly don't understand how I got to be in Canmore. And don't start with the, you probably drove. Yeah, no shit Sherlock. Thanks. But why I didn't just talk my way out of this as per normal. Grumble.

I just finally wanted to say a quick thank you, to Allison, for being such a good friend, listener, talker and all around amazing human being. I love you very much. You make a lot of things easy, something that I think many take for granted. I probably do, but never let it be said that I don't love you. Hope that makes sense.

And to Katie, I love you very much as well, and I read your blog, and although I am not in musical theater, your talent and spirit speak for themselves on the stage. I am sorry that you didn't get the part that you wanted/deserved. But I never want you to doubt what a fantastic person you are, straight through to the core. You are amazing and shine in everything you do. Keep you chin up kid. We love you.

Kinda all over the place

this photo perfect describes my life

Today was probably the closest that I have ever come to a breakdown of some sort. Whether it was emotional or mental I am not really sure. All I really know is that walking in the hallway from art to physics, I had a hard time not bursting into tears. And sitting in my room now, trying to calm myself down with good music, the sound of rain and a nice warm mug of tea, I can still feel that bent up emotion crackle and spark every once in a while like a bag of rouge fireworks. I am surprised it has never happened sooner really. I will probably die at 32 of a heart attack due to all the elevated levels of cortisol in my blood.

i need some time or something 

and I didn't come to put your fire out I don't fear your flames

And they said they just wanted to have a kiss
And you were all like, "You want to battle, bitch?"



Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckidy fuck

waiting on that first snow fall please

Rachel is exhausted. Why?

a. Because she has been going non stop today
b. Because she has a sleepover with her favorite people the night before
c. Because she has been spending to much time with amazing people
d. Because school drains life out of people like a leech
e. Because she is stretching herself to thin
f. Because she is a vampire and is perpetually exhausted. 

g. All of the above, except f, cause that's just stupid.

If you answer g, you win,

nothing. 

they were just two jerks playing with matches

I have sat here for some time staring at my computer screen with this picture that speaks louder than the words I am unable to procure at the moment and wondering why on earth I want to write something so badly.  An hour has now passed and as of yet, nothing has come to mind.

Within the cavity of my chest, in the space between my ribs and my spine, is where I truly live. It is in this compartment of bones, blood, muscles, organs and skin where my heart beats, my lungs expand and where my emotions thrive, like waves on the shore they shift and break, like lights in a fog they glisten in the darkness and then slowly fade to into a green blue hazy. It is here that I know the solid sediment that is stress build in my stomach, feel the sunshine burst from within the confinements of my skin that is joy, the hollow decrepit black forest that is despair and the feel of the love that is my family. And it is here, that words are fading in and out of the fog, concert ideas are being written and then washed away by the waves and I constantly loose the reason why I want to write. So I listen to quiet songs, flick back to Facebook to scan the names of the people that I have so little to do with and feel the dark blues, gray-greens, flecks of gold and deep purple dance under the skin of my chest.

I live in my heart.

Gotta get back to Hogwarts

I feel the need to blog right now, because everyone has suddenly let go this torrent of blogging in the past 24, just when I am getting busy and hardly have any time to read them all, because the last blog I posted were some song lyrics from A Very Potter Sequel, because it was the last first day today, the last time I will here the Aberhart shpeel and because I have a lot going on in this little frame of mind, thought wise. There are a lot of comas in that last paragraph. First off I would like to start off by explaining the picture above. You see sometimes these photos that I lovingly select for each individual blog have no meaning what so ever, and I simply pick the photo that I do for, how shall you say, aesthetic purposes. But then there are the times that I have a photo in mind for a post, and that photo influences the blog quiet as equally as the words in my fingers. And there are a variety of purposes for this photo so I shall list them, in point form;

• The format, mimicking the keep calm carry on, of the British propaganda of the late twentieth century, is one that the debate kids are using for their own propaganda this year. And this year I do believe debate is going to be a major focal point of my life this year.
• The reference is to Harry Potter. The movie is coming out this year. I love everything Harry Potter related.
• Further more, Fred and George spoke this quote upon leaving Hogwarts for good, just as we shall be leaving Aberhart for good, sadly not under such fantastic circumstances.
• And finally, in the fifth book, from which this quote was taken, is under the tyrannical rule of Dolores Umbridge, who I feel would have forced the students of Hogwarts to wear a lanyard, such as we are forced to do, had she the resources or perhaps more time in administration offices. Luckily, for all of us, she didn't. All the same, Umbridge = Lanyards and I hate them both.

There we go. I bet you thought that my photo inspired inspiration would not have been so fully developed as it is. I have proven you wrong. I am terrible tired and I have this ache in my back that I think I can associate with returning to school.  Honestly, I am excited for a lot of this year. This first week most especially. I know I will regret saying this, I am almost regret thinking it for the moment due to the onslaught of pain that it will surly bring latter this year, but I miss homework in an odd way. I like having something to do and learning. I am a nerd, and fully aware of it. And I, much like Becca Fuller, love september. I love fall, and the cold, and getting new clothes and snow and changing leaves, and it scares me how much the seasons have changed in my own living memory. I am terrified for this world, a world where I will soon become a contributing and recognized citizen, completely legally obligated to my actions, expected to decide the outline of my future, define my own definitions of fail or succeed and then try and meet my expectations in a very short matter of time. It's all terrifying, I assure you. It's the one thing that I feel I was never fully prepared for as a young child, that growing up happens when you are still young, that you, more so than anyone else in the entire world, chart the course for your life and there is a lot of stress lying in wait when you don't know what or who you want to become. Maybe these should have been obvious truths, but they hit me with surprising ferocity and speed these last few months. And I am scared.

What, I guess, I can take comfort in is that really, no one knows what on earth they are doing, and there was a time in their life where they were probably just as lost and scared as me. That most certainly helps me through.

And if they haven't, well, they can just go fuck themselves.

I love HP

I don't wanna see you go,
but it's not forever, not forever!
Even it was,
you now that I would never let it get me down.
You're the part of me that makes me better,
wherever I go!
So I will try
not to cry--
but no one needs to say goodbye..

i make weird covers of disney songs, i mean who does that?

There are sleep people hiding in in my eye lids, weighing them down. so i want to go to sleep even though it's only nine. o'clock. maybe that's a good thing because school is starting up again in a few days and it is going to kick my ass to be sure. i am not going to be able to get up at six to go on a run, take a shower, clean my self up, decide what on earth from the depths of my closet shall cloth me and then eat. And all that before i leave the house. don't worry, I hear the angst and all together unpleasantness of the above paragraph. It must be the sleep people, i guess they have multiplied and  run from my eyes to the ears, through my ear canals and into the teenage angst lobe and then jumped around. damned sleep people. i imagine them all blue, with no features on their face, like they were all wearing morph suits, but that's just their face and very small. They thrive in adolescents brains especially during the school year. I have a feeling there will be a full established colony in my head by November.

Quite honestly I am getting excited for school, and I guess that's a good thing seeing as I will probably be there every day next week. That's what comes with a strange devotion to debate. I love the beginning, getting to see who's in your class, figuring out your timetable, getting your school id, even though the picture will suck, I don't know, I get excited. I'm a nerd, I know. But I'm excited. and that excitement is beating down a lot of the fear for the moment.

Jump time. I got to see my step-sister's (Ginger, just to clear any confusion with the vast amount of sisters that grow on my family tree) "flat" today. It's beautiful, and it's so very cool that she has a place of her own, that she is living by herself. I can not imagine that right now. Partly because it scares me and in part because it seams so unreal.

Final point. It will come out short and disjointed because the sleep people are slowly winning the war against my eye lids....never mind. It's about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and I am falling asleep. It deserves more a level of attention and literary skill that the sleep people are currently using as weights for my eye lids.

GOD DAN IT FRIENDS I MISS YOU ALL.

I find it odd that only the child who is currently located outside of the country is blogging. 

Come on folks.

I claim Belle's castle

I propose a new name for wisdom teeth, bloody, swollen, god awful, fuck you, terrible teeth. More appropriate I think, seeing as I currently resemble the tragic outcome of a fish, chipmunk human hybrid that took the the wrong end of a terrible beating. Just to the face. I have been informed that I am living down the worst of it right now, and that it will only get better from here. That being said, I'll keep my bitching to a minimum. 

 Fuck Wisdom Teeth

Well besides that, I don't really know. I would like to mention my new computer, while completely understanding that it sounds like I am bragging an awful amount. Sorry, I am a little, but I don't mean it to sound stuck up or rude or what have you. I'm just very excited and I like to share that with all my loved ones.. aka you guys. And I worked hard for the money that helped me get it. It's my baby, I love it and it's very beautiful. Plus it's distracting me.

Stress warning: I will be talking about school in this next paragraph. Feel free to skip, 

Well I am worried, cause we don't have our debate video even started, our schedules are all messed up and it's the last first day. And that scares me.

Bandages, blood, ice and pain. Woopie.

VS.

michael cera 

honestly i don't have any words for it all. but i love him and kinda want to marry him.

yeah scott pilgrim. 

add the enthusiasm.

sex-y

don't ever look back.

Everyone is worried about so many things. It worries me. I am tired and a little stressed. The future is a little to much for me right now. It sits at my kitchen table, tapping it's long finger nails on the table impaitently while waiting for me to do something that I wasn't exactly filled in on. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I want or expect from myself. I just want to do something that I love, that brings me joy and excites me. That's what I want. But more often than not people end up in a life that they don't like. But maybe they were bad at adapting, or they didn't fight as hard as I will or play the pessimist where I really do belive that I am an optimist. I will fight and sweat and cry for what I want, even if I don't know what it is yet. I will rise and rise again untill I find where I belong or what I need. Or want. Whatever you want to call it. Maybe they will be one in the same.

I am tired and I miss my mom. I'm worried.

Rachel has grammer issues

This blog needs some words. So I decided that I should write a blog. One with words. Even though I have to go to work in a few minuets, and I am being distracted by Friends and have enough mosquito bites to keep me occupied for some time. But still. I haven't actually written anything worth merit in a very long time. But I bet this worth your time either. Oh well, to bad for you. You are probably going to continue reading it anyway. Actually I found something to write about.

I was watching the news the other day and there was this study done about people and social interaction. And the study said that having friends, I think that it was around 5 or something, improved your life expectancy by about 50%. So having no friends is as about as bad for you as being obese or smoking cigarettes. This got me to thinking, because I have been spending a lot of time alone lately, and honestly, I have been getting quite bored. So then my sister came home and I hung out with Lynds and Hannah, at separate times. And it's been odd, but a little bit eye opening, about how much I really do need my friends, how they really fill my life with so much worth living for and I take them for granted much to often. Lyndsay, thank you so much for your kind words in your last blog. They were so sweet and made me very happy. You are one of my favorite people ever, and mirror my own personality in so many ways that I can't help but wonder if we were sisters in another life. Your spirit and zest for life shine in everything you do. You have a fire in you that burns brighter than anyone else I've seen. Hannah, I probably take you for granted more often than anyone else in my life. I've never known anyone that I am so comfortable around, and free to be myself 100% of the time without fear of judgement or ridicule. Happy, sad, weird and grumpy, you have dealt with me in every mood possible and I know that is no small challenge.You have contributed so strongly to the person that I have become that all I can do is thank you again and again for all that you are. And I don't think all the cookies in the world could make up for everything that you have done for me, so I will just do what I can to be as good a friend to you as you are to me. Now I am going to be late for work, and I didn't expect this blog to be as sappy as it turned out to be, but there you have it. I am just a sap. Honestly, I think I would use that as one of my defining personality traits.

Goodbye to you all. I get to meet the new host boy tonight, so that shall be exciting. Even if he has already been there for a month. Whatever, we've never met before.I guess that is what happens when you only have two host/hostesses on Friday and Saturday nights.

Oh and I decided to change the picture at the top of my blog because;

1. Hannah thought that the cat was creepy
2. and more so because I really like the idea of being "Prongs" from Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.

Gonna be late.
Got to go.

Today has been a very good great successful day. Mainly because I found a way to re-arrange my blog to my liking, because I don't have to work today and because I am watching my favorite tv show ever. 

yeah me.

And I really like this picture. Well I am all over the place with this blog. Blah blah. 

Now, to make up for a lack of blogs lately, here is a list of my favorite tv characters.

Yeah, that's all I've got right now. 

James "Sawyer" Ford, Juliet Burke, Boone Carlyle, Desmond David Hume, Sayid Jarrah, Charlie Pace, Miles Straume, Damon Salvatore

I am not myself you see

I heart the Lion King

Really, I can't even think about the whole BP thing. I get very depressed. Just to clarify, I am takling about the oil spill. Really, if I was living in the states on that coast by myself, I would probably have to move away. And this is not because i don't care. It's the complete opposite. I get to overwhellemed to think about it to often. And I know that, minus becoming a rich millionaire and then funding a huge clean up effort, or quitting school and hippy-ing it down to the coast so that I can spend the next ten years cleaning up the coast, I can't really do anything about it. So I try not to think about because I get stressed and ulitmately depressed. And that is the case with most all of the problems of the world. None the less, they get to me more often then I would like to say.

And then I just get sad, quiet and anti-social.

And I don't really know what to do about it.

none of it

I'm to young to be without hope

.

It's sad. All of it

i love you but you make me sad

Maybe I need more vitamin D.

Or more time with my friends

or time alone, reading and watching movies.

Because today I am not happy. That is not to say that I am sad, because being sad and being not happy are two entirely different things. Believe me, I know them both quite well, and if there were people, one could compare them to say, a zoologist and a cryptozoologist. And where the profession of these two individuals both sound quite similar and you might think, unless you are otherwise informed, that a cryptozoologist is simply some one that works in the crypts of a zoo, but you would be sadly mistaken. For they don't even work in the same building, or study the same animals. It's the same thing with being not happy and being sad. They may sound they same, but do not be lead down the path of literary misunderstandings of the English language. 

Stampede's done, which means that summer can now commence. We are sorry for the delay. Honestly, I didn't think that I was going to be so tired at the end of Stampede, and want to sleep so bad. It was learning experience as my family, oddly enough, felt the need to tell me time and time again. I love you all, but really, I already knew how to put in a day's worth of work. Honestly. I'm not Zac here. 

"you'll start to wonder ff you're ever gonna make it by, you'll start to think you were born blind"

Ugh I don't know. There were words, like clouds floating in my head. Then I forget them. And now I don't know. I could write about many things right now, about the Minnesota Iceman, the missing link shot in Vietnam, my love and yet lack of respect for cryptozoologist, how I love my friends and how I miss many of them, of my fear of losing summer, my need to travel to the library soon, of my inability to keep up contact with some people that i love, even when it is they that have sent the first facebook message, how I hate facebook, how I miss my mom, trying to locate ground zero of my melancholy mood and my inattention to grammar in this paragraph located above. Whatever. 

One thing that I did want to say is something that i am guilty of myself, and that is negativity. I just don't like it. I know that there is a time and a place. I have been there and it can be really nice to just bitch about everything and be upset, and rage and steam and fume. But honestly, it's my least favourite thing. 

I have a motto, one that I forget about sometimes; if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. 
I like it because in encourages positivity in some. or just quietness. 

Something I just found out; Rob Thomas is the lead singer of Matchbox 2o. No wounder I love him so much

I feel as if this blog is jumping all over the place and it can hold no thread of common sense. Unless that thread is a lack of a thread. 

So to keep up with that thread, I have this stupid paragraph that will shorty follow this sentence. how do yo know that you know yourself? When do you know that you know yourself? is it that moment where sometimes, you would rather just sit, or walk, or bike with your own thoughts and not say a single word for the rest of the day, as if an evil octopus women stole your voice in exchange for legs so you could meet the boy whom has stolen your heart while she tries to take over the sea from Triton, your father? Because if that is even a stepping stone, i do believe I am well on my way.

if anything, it's nice to know i'm not the only one

I don't really want to write a blog right now. I am pretty exhausted, but I would rather have this worn out blog than the really angry one that I have sitting in the top spot of my home page right now. So if you see me post a bunch of pictures in the next few days, please understand, it's part of the clensing process. You see after I get out my anger, I feel kinda silly about it later. I do believe it was justified this time, but I just don't think that everyone needs to see it plastered all over the place like a blood stain, angry and red. So I will put this one up instead. I am excited about stampede being over, as much as i do love it, I could use a day of rest. I am excited for sunday, and then monday afterwards. I have post secret and a person that brings smiles to my soul on the plan for the day. And then an L4 sleepover soon? Yes?

Good night