no one blogs anymore

except i don't actually like spicy food.

it's weird, knowing that this is my last week of high school, ever. i'm not overly excited like some, or scared, or anxious. maybe it's just because i honestly don't know how to deal with such significant events. i just continue on as normal, waiting to be hit with with that wave of realization that i find rarely attends to me anymore. so despite my ever quickly changing surrounds, i myself adapt quite slowly. concepts don't come to me easily.
except i skipped art. i wouldn't have normally done that but it was the last week of school.
i'll just keep going to school until i don't have to anymore and then it will be over.

it's strange really. and i feel a little dazed, slightly confused.

again it's strange that some people whom you have attend school with for perhaps six years will leave your life forever on friday. because i know that there are people that i will never see again. and i range from pleasure at this thought to indifference to sadness. but nothing will change the fact that we will no longer be apart of each others lives. one day we will just all be strangers once again. 

maybe it's just the pessimist in me, maybe it's just what my own history has shown me, but i find it hard to believe that you can remain as close with the friends that leave you, or the ones that you leave. with different lives, routines, schools, friends, cities, provinces how could you? so that's why you may find me slightly less exited to be starting this new chapter of my life. for as much as i do like change, there are some things that i don't want to let go of, so please forgive me for my fickle moods.

The words for this blog wont stick together, they wont meld. Maybe they just come from to many different place. Too diverse to find ways to bond together. I never really understood bonding. That's why I dropped Chemistry.
But the thing is, that space between my ribs, that one that has known to be hollow, known to be grey is bursting with color. I'm in a good place, I'm happy.
And very proud. 
And I know that the sadness will come, and the idea of being apart from so many of you next year will bring on laden tears, but for now, I shall revel in our grad.

Congratulations class of 2011. 

and just like that, it was all over. 

what i lack, i need

i can hear the rain now. i sit in my bed, listening to the fall. and yet i have dug it no hole. i can hear it as the mass grave i live in stares back at me. shirts, jeans and sweaters lay on the floor as if massacred by a machete. books, pencils bags and boxes  thrown to the ground by a ticking time bomb. the former pieces of my life lie in surmounting pools of their own blood. so much carnage. so much destruction.
and all the while i can hear the rain.

i've missed the rain. i love it. and although it rained most every day this weekend i have yet to enjoy it. i need the rain right now. i need it to wash away all the dirt and grime from my face. i need it to hide my tears. i need to throw the light, darken the shy and wipe away my footprints so that i may escape. i need the rain.

i have so much to do. so much turning my spine into a string of fiery knives, so much compressing my chest with each breath as though i had already sustained the heart attack, so much weighing on my eyes lulling me to sleep. words. questions. test. stress.

maybe i have dug my own hole. one that i will not get out of in one piece.

i'm so far from not caring

there is something to be said for sad songs, slow beats and quiet verses. they blow the smell of rain over my quiet eyes. i want to see the forest floor in my eyes. green and brown. moss and sticks. dirt and stones.
my sad songs fill my skin with their chords, their harmonies, their melodies and their words. maybe they taint my skin gray. grey like the sky as it deliberates between hail and rain. soon, i grow gray. do you feel my icy winds? do clouds obscure my light?

i have always believed in some sort of divine intervention. a fate-ist who finds comfort in the idea of external forces aligning stars. all the while, i believe that the option of seizing that chance resides with you, and your ability to find the strength to do so. but what happens if you don't know. you don't know if your cards, you hand, your stars are presenting you with exactly what you need. and that feeling that you thought you would always get when something is right, only just sputters to life. and only then does it just admit a dull yellow light. a light that keels over and dies more often then not. are you making a mistake, not accepting what is given?

there is something to be said for disappointment. it fills me, not like the rain. not like the song. it fills just my chest, dark and green. it pushes on my lungs. it makes it hard to breathe.
it fills just my mind, crossing wires, screaming into each receptor. it fills me.
and i can not make it leave my chest, my mind. because i invited it in. and i don't know how to change that. someone once told me they were excited for my life. did they see me staying in calgary? i feel as if i have failed you.  

i met disappointment today and let him take me away. he took me to where the sky was at war with itself. to where the winds whipped at my hair, my limbs and my clothes. they pulled me wherever they could with their invisible fingers, long and bony like those of a witch. they spun me around to where i could no longer tell from where i had come. and i did not know how to find my way back, or how to move on. all the while, sky turned around me.
on one side, the clouds were dark. purple and black. they spun and rumbled in ominous circles.
to another, the clouds were gray. blanketed and flat, distorting light and perception. all the while the winds called to me.

i don't know how to beat this. i don't know what to do. so i let the rain consume me, pelt my skin, fill me.

Habs.

I feel like I am going to be hit by a train. Quite honestly. I feel like I have fallen off the map, forgotten how I got here and am about to be hit by a train. So I sit there, on the dirt ground, so extremely confused, staring around as a train comes careening towards me. And all I can think is what the fuck is going on. Honestly. What the actual fuck is going on.
Maybe the whole feeling like I am about to be hit by a train this is a premonition for some serious shit that is about to hit the fan. Or the work load that is going to fall on me and kill me. Because I actually FEEL like a train is going to come through my wall. Fackk. I don't know if I can deal with this. The thing is, this isn't even me upset or being a whiny baby. I'm just fucking confused. Probably over tired. And who knows, maybe all the stress has just made me snap. Cause I feel like I am going to. Or did, or wont. Who the fuck knows.
So now I am just crazy.
So all those who I love right now, all the things that I haven't done: I am sorry. This is my formal apology that I am entirely off the map right now that I don't even know what is going on in my own life. I consider a room to be a analogy for the state of my life. And the thing is, I had a container growing mold  under my desk. I have shit every single place possible. I cant contain my life so it spills out of me on to the floor.
Faaccck me.

How on earth did I get to this point?

"what are we going to do next year?"

there is something about rain that seams to get to me in a way nothing else can. sometimes it is happy and alive. this rain was not. it was like the sky was crying. like happiness had run its corse. like melancholy clouds and wet sidewalks were the order for the day. i love the rain. it's clean and fresh. the clouds tuck in a city as if it were a small child. 

but some days it rains not for love. 

somedays, the sky cries with you, and that is why it rains. 

it rained that day. and rain was a companion. we sat together in our dim light, (from sky and soul) wet faces and silent pain. it was a hard day.

i feel emptied. balled out like a cantaloupe or the inside of a pumpkin. hollowed so that i resound when you place an ear to the cavity of my chest. it's a tangible loss. it's something that has defined, does define me. will continue to define me. 

but it's the end now. 

and i don't know how to deal with that. i don't know how to deal with the fact that i did so poorly. that i pretty much shit the bed in the last tournament that i will ever have. all these things beat on me. hard heavy blows. fast to bruise on my raining mind.

i am lost. for words, for energy for ability to explain. 

this is just one wound, absence in my life that will take some time to heal.

morning came after the rain. i woke to a panic attack. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't find calm. i woke up alone. 

very much so

and as i drove through the city of halifax on  a bus that would take me on to a new stage of my life, i thought of something. i thought that each individual in built over years. like a city.  you will have beautiful victorian houses painted all sorts of beautiful colors. and ugly square bungalows when the war breaks out. 

we are all cities. built from the stones of our world

Bon Iver is coming out with a new album. Justin Vernon's words meld and mend the fabric of my soul. I can not wait.

I don't think you understand. I'm uncertain to begin with. I need more words for this. I don't like to wait. I simplify things. I don't play games.

the very thought unwinding me

sometimes i think in colors. i see moods in colors, auras that surround the body, like the blue feathering we did around the continents in elementary school to demonstrate the ocean. if you think about it, that was kinda a ridiculous process. i mean, what else would the ocean be rather than the absence of land? elementary school. it was an easy time, but for the most part a lot of what went down there makes less and less sense as i get older.

that can be kinda scary because maybe that means i am forgetting what it's like to be a kid. maybe i'm losing that part of me. but i still watch disney movies, know the word to all the disney songs, still like to squish my toes in the mud and walk around in the spring rain. so maybe i'm actually doing okay.
i pity any person that has yet to squish their toes in the mud, or believes themselves above such childish things. it has to be the most ridiculous, joyous, messiest thing i have done in a long time. i can't help but sequel and laugh. my reactions truly are beyond me control when my shoes come off and the water has turned the ground to mush. never forget how much fun mud can be. even if you are eighteen.

mom i love you but i think you need to just leave me alone more frequently. i don't know what this is.

i lose track of post sometimes. the words get away with me, take me to little alcoves that i didn't mean to go to, and beget a new destination. today i ment to talk about auras, blog posts, best friends and the mild crease in my brow. but interesting, good words like beget have lead me astray.
i have an aura today composed of the soft light of the christmas lights taped to my desk, of tea and the nostalgic aroma it exhales, of old songs and the smell of rain. of shakespeare, chocolate and self-involved pictures. of sunshine, dozey smiles and new shirts. it would be a perfect mood for a summer day. with good playlist and suntanning. problem is, summer days first require me passing school. something i am not feeling all to keen on these days.

Allison, i think that you are witty. your post made me smile. i could relate. i kinda love you a lot and forgot to say that for many months. now it comes in excess.

i forgot to mention silly little things, words too leaden to speak with eye contact. i don't know. all i know is that i'm waiting for a flashing red light for reasons i can't explain. that i've been whining for too long. that summer is short and
that i need more words.

Simon Bellamy

it's april today, as was yesterday. i'll be 18 in a week. i scares me a little to see how march disappeared. like wispy smoke, or the hope of spring admits all this snow. i feel deflated today, kinda weak and hollow. i know why. i don't really want to say it. i don't want people to ask, i don't want to be one of those girls that whines about these sort of things. but i've said before that feelings are never wrong. so it would stand to reason that this same logic should be self applicable to my own life. but that's a lot harder than one might make it out to be.

i just feel lonely.

but the dark between my heart and his is as good as a diamond chain

Is it weird that I was looking forward to cleaning up my house today? It probably is. But I was glad of the task. It's something that satisfies me, calms me. It's an accomplishment measurable by visible results. All other accomplishments stress me out. I like soft hair, and affectionate drunks. I like the fact that I'm starting training tomorrow. I like that we have no school for a week. I like having a house to myself. I like being only accountable to myself. I like holding hands and snuggling. There is a direct correlation between the desire for this and my state of inebriation.

I had more things to write, more words to say. I think they were given away, plastered to my lips and then stuck to others' skin by drunken kisses.
I just might post latter.

stop your running it’s you you’re running from

 

I

I don't know what happened to me. I don't know what happened to kid who would write out her notes for weeks before an exam. Who would study as soon as she got home. Who got things done. Who cared. Thing is, I don't care anymore, not enough to put in the effort. That girl should come back and help this one. Just until June. 

II

I have a temper, I know. Some days I live like dynamite sweating nitroglycerin. It's some part of me  shutting down, overriding logic for pride. Like a flood gate. I think that would be my fatal flaw, what the sirens song would speak to. But, for the most part, I think I'm pretty good at avoiding this. I carry some foresight in my front pocket to avoid explosive situations. 

Emotions, no matter how volatile, need to be respected. Because no matter the situation, emotion does not adhere to logical, or explanation. As such cannot expect react in a linear logical explanation accessible to all. Especially when temperamental.

So I need to let mine fester, let it filtrate through my system. And so it's best to let it alone. Let me alone. Let the venom leave so I don't spit any in your face. I know this. you might suspect that the pinpointing of this issue would help me eradicate it. But it doesn't. Probably because I have found that burning it all out is the best and only way for me to deal with it. Maybe I like feeling the anger, it burns everything down, all the good all the bad and I start anew. 

III

My name is Rachel, I'm 18 in 24 days. I believe that what's done is done and nothing can change that. So I don't find myself regretting much. I don't deal well with stress. My airways and veins conglomerate in my chest, till the tension is so great I'm sure that I will die of a heart attack one day. The same feelings are produced when brackets aren't closed. I cry a lot more now a days then I ever remember and I don't know why. I love Harry Potter. I love many things. I like having long red hair. I like video games. I like holding hands. Some days I really need a hug. I hate being in extended contact with other peoples fabric, (clothes, furniture, carpets) particularly if I am not all to comfortable with that individual, or I think that they are dirty. I don't hide too much, but I hide out when I don't want to share. Spoken word is a toxic smoke in my room when the tea lights are on. I like to be alone. 

++ having someone you didn't expect reach out to make you feel better 

TO TIRZAH 

Whate'er is born of mortal birth
Must be consumed with the earth,
To rise from generation free:
Then what have I to do with thee? 

The sexes sprung from shame and pride,
Blowed in the morn, in evening died;
But mercy changed death into sleep;
The sexes rose to work and weep.

Thou, mother of my mortal part,
With cruelty didst mould my heart,
And with false self-deceiving tears
Didst blind my nostrils, eyes, and ears, 

Didst close my tongue in senseless clay,
And me to mortal life betray.
The death of Jesus set me free:
Then what have I to do with thee?

and feel--they know not what but care;

Today I got a grad dress and it makes me feel very pretty. And I like it very much. But at the same time. I'm, apprehensive. Because it was expensive. Because it's a light pink. Because it's very different from what I imagined I wanted. So I wear a crease in my brow.
I do like it. Very much.

Today is not how I imagined it would go. It jerked, flowed and ebbed. Passed quickly or seemingly not at all. I don't remember certain moments. They slipped into my mind like water down cold gray glass and then disappeared. Because you couldn't keep track of it anymore. I'm confused. And tired, no drained. Covered in gray. I have an essay to write. I should go on a run. I want to sleep.

I don't know. I feel blurred. Like a weak patronus. I want to watch Disney movies and play video games with someone that will hold my hand. But that wont happen.
Not today.

Not for some while.

fuck. off.

Today was such a shitty day.
I know in the long rung it doesn't matter
I know that I can just blame things
like terrible jugging.
But that doesn't change things.
That doesn't change the fact that this is the first in I haven't qualified
 In all my years of debate
And this is my last year.
It should have been my best.
And I've worked so hard. I wanted to make it so bad
Since the tenth grade
And now all I can think of is all that I did wrong. 

I should invest in waterproof mascara.

and I have no reason to reason with you

I am attracted to people that make beautiful things. Music, movies, characters, books, paintings, words, friendships, smiles, auras. So much so that my love of what the give to the world distorts their image to me. I can't picture them other than what they are to me, rather than the image of their first impression. So I have, in my mind, a distorted image of every individual that I know. At that point I find it hard to judge weather or not someone is good looking. It's a ridiculous question. They aren't hot, or ugly, they are their face and the combination of every action and thought that lies beneath their skull.

I don't like this, ensnaring of my dreams. It is a complete contradiction of everything I was taught as a child. That anything was possible. I don't like this stress. I don't like school, I don't like being sick. Man Oh Nah Oh. Things confuse me, upset me, stress me out and push me. I like having matching undergarments. I like being home alone. I like these prospects, but I the amount of effort they will demand of me just might break me.

I'd be sad that I never held your hand as you were lowered, but I'd understand that I'd never let it go

sometimes you walk into a room and people glare. black clouds gather and are tossed at you. and you are the blemish on their day.

that is not a good feeling.

Max, maybe the world was meant to break your heart.

Skins, you broke my heart. And I love you so much. Words don't compute, so i'm left with this raw, molten lava bubble of emotion that comprises every single character, ever scene, ever song. And I wish you hadn't ended that way. I love so many things.

I love new music, red hair, best friends, long weekend, great tips, new friends, old friends, phone calls, compliments, change, new shirts, the cabin, my Boppa, my grandma, so much love. Tom Felton and Luke Pasqualino are going to be in a movie together. HOLY GLAHBUEHDUEYBDIRTASDFT Holy fuck. I am excited.

No more school please.

i don't want to say

I'm a human being
Being happy and sane
Oh but human beings
We all need to quit
Being inhumane

There are days that come along and save me. This day was today. Spending countless hours with someone I honestly consider my twin soul. My legs will burn tomorrow, my abs just might hurt, but the countless hours of bonding, DJ'ing on the chairlift, checking out all the hot ski boys, eating our delicious food and singing all the way home could not have been more worth it. I couldn't ask for a better escape. Damn page errors.


Erin, I miss you. Can we please make one of these hangouts work?

And I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be

Freddie, I love you. And I think you die. And I had a dream that you died last night. And it took it a long for me to convince myself that it was a dream in the morning. But I was so very sad.

I'm done. So completely done. Like honestly, just fuck it. I'm done with the drama, this fucking dance that has been going on for what much too long. So I will sit idly by and let shit hit me in the face if need be. I've said everything that I may have conceivably needed to say. And if that is not enough for you then I guess this is where the sidewalk ends for us. If you want to continue down this path, be my guest. Just know that it will no longer be with my participation.

i love skins, i love skins a lot

 

never underestimate the power of words, the value of life, the strength of friendship, the importance of hugs and music. there are a lot of things going on now, i feel like emotions are all taut, stretching from our heart to all regions of our brain as we try to establish logic with irrational feeling. it's a difficult and exhausting progress. words fail, and you are left facing the acknowledgment of your own vulnerability, your shortsightedness, your flaws. and i think that these things are important to be reminded of from time to time. 

i place a lot of value in being able to recognize your own flaws. because even if you can't fix them right away, it's the first step. and when you are able to openly point out that you make mistakes, that you aren't always right and that your decision can hurt people, you can start to work towards fixing all that. you can understand how your actions might upset someone else if you can acknowledge the source of them. that source being your flaws. 

i have used a lot of words today. words attached to heavy emotions and black winged demons that have been dragging me into the abyss lately. but like i said, never underestimate the power of words. because talking it out, giving the words weight and sound, helps, in a way i can't even describe. so even if it takes a long time to get out, (and the result is a bit of a public cry), having that constant anchor of mine to listen to me, to be there for me and to help scare away some of the black is powerful, helpful, reassuring, comforting and the best remedy. thank you. there is nothing starbucks can't solve. 

i'm emotionally exhausted. i wrote a long winded message that leeched energy. and it's my final offering. but it's also the establishment of my stance, that being of a decent person. a detached but kind one if need be.

I just want to sleep.

You don't really think, do you? About how your actions can hurt other people.

but i'm here all the time and i wont go away

I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me

That indy hipster italicized verse is from a Matchbox Twenty song. And it fits me. With family and friends on gray sky, hot tea and Jane Austin days. I am sorry that I can be a bitch sometimes. That I throw up a wall that specializes in snarky comments and a black cloud attitude. I guess I kinda live with parts of my heart on my sleeve. Not everything. Just parts. It's something I should work on. I just don't always try.

I'm very blunt today. I really don't have time for anything but the quickest words to execute my furrowed brow of emotions. Then I step on sensitive toes. We will see how this all turns out. Honestly, I'm getting tired of this game of hide the emotions. Maybe it's simply because I am never one to hold back my true feelings on a issue. Unless it might hurt someone. But I hardly think broken bridges require sensitive builders. Say what you mean, mean what you say. How else is anything ever going to be figured out.

That part of my personality is currently aggravated by my blunt mood. 

There is something about this semester that I just can't pin down. Maybe it's the fact that it is the last of high school, or my first without any french classes or the fact that I just don't have a spare anymore. Maybe I'm just really tired right now. I switched into vacay mode long ago. That is not a fun place to come back from.

I think the word blunt befits its definition. It sounds like what it means.

I want to be Elizabeth Bennet

I can't say enough how I love this book and the movie. I think it is one of my most favorite books of all time. I love it so very much.

but I am cleaning up so well

Today was a really nice day. It was a contrast of friendships and demonstrated how they all make me happy. One with a best friend where if words aren't there, silences are calming and easy, one with a best friend who silence is rare but her zest for life spills out with ever sentence, and a friend were conversation never ends simply for the fact that we don't hang out that much. But everything was so easy. And so much fun. Someone where I can almost hear the click, the realization of a friend in an other, a mirrored soul. I imagine it like those hair clips, that with a little bit of pressure, they click shut. And in those that I am closest with, I can sense that click every time we hangout. Others there is never the click. It's like we operate on different plans of life, just missing the other. And as much as I might like that person, I feel no desire to be closer with the simply because there is no click. And I identify each relationship I have with weather or not there is a click.

I had good conversations today. With much insight.

And it made me think about high school, how we are honestly growing up. And how in about five to six years, maybe even less, it wouldn't be weird if some of us were getting married. It's strange. And then I think about how all the douche bags are going out into the world with the rest of us. And the real world will treat them like the ass holes they are. For the most part. And that makes me happy.

i have made these songs for you

My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur 

 

I feel like I am blogging more out of obligation rather than my own desire to. I feel a need to shove some of my older post away into the archives of my blog and to send some words out there for my fellow community to read. Because basically everyone that still blogs has blogged in the last little while.  So here I am, listening to Kid Cudi on repeat, in my every messy room with dishes all around me typing. And I think that it will take me a while to finish this literary piece basically because I'm singing and I have no point really to convey with these words. So I have no idea the route it will take. I'll just type and let my finger decide. 

I am worried because I have been hanging out with people a lot lately. And then when I do that I find that I don't want to hang out with other people in the coming days. I convince myself that I will have no fun, that I am too tired or boring or grumpy and should just procure some excuse so that I can finally have alone time. But the thing is after I have hung out with everyone, I know I will be so glad that I didn't bail. I have too much fun. So I guess I will just have to bite the bullet and force myself to follow through on my commitments. Because it's just the getting myself there that is hard. Making sure I don't convince myself a night alone would be better. After I have tackled that mountain I am good. 

I don't think people really understand but honestly I need, absolutely require an insane amount of time to myself. Because if I don't I start to loose pieces of myself, I get a nasty temper and I am a lot quitter than normal. I honestly dont' feel that comfortable with others when I don't have those hours alone. I feel like I am falling apart, just a little bit. This has caused problems before because people think that I don't want to hang out with them. But when it comes to times like this, it's never just one person. It's everyone. It's not like I don't like any single person, it's just self preservation. It's me that's the problem. It's my unbelievably odd desire to be entirely alone, to have the only sound exit my mouth in song, the only words I produce on paper and to express myself with only a pencil in my hand. I just can't handle being around others a lot. I'm extremely introverted in that sense.  

Because I am stalling things like cleaning my room, studying for my learners and starting a new painting, I took a personality test to find that I am still an INFJ, introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging. But I am only slightly introverted and moderately the rest. It's quite accurate really, all the missed was my ability to be loud. But I guess that's the whole idea of being slightly introverted. Truly though I feel like there is an extremely introverted part of me that comes out when the extrovert retires for the day. And he quietly runs me from there, home to my bedroom and calming music.

"INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.

INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits", rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset. INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired.^[16] Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries."

i just think i'm free

There are few things that I love as much in this world as Disney movies. A select few people make that cut. I really do love Disney movies to a degree that some may suggest clinical intervention. Disney combined with Harry Potter defined my childhood and therefore is an intrinsic part of myself.  But that combined with cowboy boots, new music and most of all much needed time with my best friend, made it one of the best days that I have had in a very long time. 

We fight sometimes, that best friend and I, but I think that just comes with being as close as we are. We get all bent out of shape about things that normally aren't that big a deal. Normally it's just stress. Or not being able to actually talk in a very long time. It's silly. We're both sorry at the end and it never last to long. Honestly, I can't handle not talking to her, or knowing that she is mad at me for any more than a few hours. So we get through it. And we're stronger at the end. And it just goes to prove to me how much our friendship means to me. How much I value her opinion, her words and humor.  I know that my life would not be the same without her. That without her by my side for me to lean on time and time again, I would be a weaker, less happy person. So I'm grateful and unbelievable blessed to have someone to go to a Disney movie with at 9:30 at night to an empty theater. 

I was suppose to post this many hours ago. But I organized my photos instead. So now it's late. And I am going to sleep until late in the afternoon and not feel bad about it for one moment. 

i made theses songs for you

i just hope that it effects you, even just a little bit. i think it must. because you knew. and things were weird for a while and now they are changed. maybe even reversed. no probably not.

but i can't imagine that after all that time, these things would have absolutely no effect. so i do hope it stings. just a little

becca fuller, i love you. please walk again. next time i see you walk, i am going to scream, it's a miracle. i have your book

love

my heart thump not from being nervous

That went. Well. I think. Maybe. Seconding guessing.  I'm on repeat. Short. Choppy. Repeat. Done. 

And again. Cheap words. Cheap songs. Maybe I'm just broken. I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken. Not in the heart. 

Just not working.Wiring issues.

The real words. What I want to say. I'm confused. Maybe a little upset. I, what? to say here. But I have support. He interprets. He doesn't know what's going on either. I don't want to study for french. fuck that. I want to do other things. Thing is I've already done things. Now here I am. And I don't want to study. I want to leave. I want to-NO. No. I don't. Change. I want to leave. on my own. . I want friends. I. I. I. Who, what the fuck. No more. Beating on social. Can you develop temporary ADD? From stress? At least that's what I think happened. Wait it out. Then more talking. Short conversations. I wanted to yell. Good, good, very bad. We've got problems. We've all got problems. Left right and center. Some understood. Lah de fucking da. No, I don't want to. Can't fucking see it. Fuck it all. 

FUCK

I think this is what you call a break down.

listen to super mash bros and you will know where i'm coming from.

I'm just talking.

ugh

 

Foudre. 

I don't do well with good byes. I don't like studying. I'm not prepared. I'm not eating well. I feel like there is a very good chance that I will not do well at all. I'm feel left out. I have formed an amazing new trio. I have a new, catchy french song. I think I have a pretty good french accent, others don't agree. I miss my Germans. I think I should try and apply to some other universities. I should do some more studying. I cry a lot. I'm behind. I'm not being a very good friend. I'm lost. I'm looking forward to when I am done with all these stupid exams. I'm being very selfish. The Hallows are getting me though a lot. I want to be alone. I want to catch up with all my friends. I want to do well. I want exams to be done...

Then things will be better. I hope. 

so it seams i'm not breathing

 

I feel like Pangaea. Or rather that we are Pangaea, all slowly being torn apart. Everyone on a completely different page of life. We are moving on to who we are suppose to be, and leaving the rest behind. And this isn't suppose to happen. Not now. It's bad enough that we have University separating us all, spreading to the corners of the world not unlike those continents. 

Words words. It's all just words. 

this will hurt more than anything has before

 

There are very few people who aren't pissing me off right now. Let's hope it's just exams. Because I think you are stressed to. So I wont document any changes as permanent till later. I know my own stress isn't helping things.

I'm mad though. For now. 

but not alone

somewhere between the Smirnoff, the drunken hugs, heart to heart conversations, and David Bowie face paint, something tangible changed. I feel like this is the first time, walking from one year to another that I felt different the next morning. something beyond the high blood sugar and alcoholic seizure of my system. and if i was honest with my words here, i could probably explain why. but those words are too honest and they hold truths that i don't want to face right now.

words words. I have so many words, bouncing around my brain, ricocheting off the walls of my throat to the cavity in my chest. the echos of impact upon the walls inside me hurt. unwanted.
that one is making the biggest impact. screaming the loudest echo. and these eight letters carry a leaden weight.

unwanted defines a second part me. the part that want absolutely nothing to do with anyone right now. who wants to be alone for a week, maybe more, accomplishing all that I need to get done, talking very little listening to the songs that will release me for a while. I have had none of this alone time over break. it's effects are resounding. like the echos. they carry.

but i'm glad we resolved our tensions. i'm glad we had our heart to heart. i missed you and i promise i have nothing but a desire to rebuild what we had and make it all the stronger.

this year things will change.

this year i will try to walk more quietly. i will work to find who i am and what i want to do. and from there, shape the person of my minds eye. i want to lessen the discrepancies between who i am and who think i am. i will talk less and think more.

i will find things, and discover. and that is what i resolve to do.